I don't do apologies.

Ring the verse, let it in, said softly begin
If it feels like the first time, don't let it end
because it wonders by like something that could have been.

I sit in front of her, we are staring into each others eyes. She is looking into my soul.
She sits in front of me, we are talking to each other. Our conversation consists primarily of "Oh"s and "Ouch"s.
On my wrists (as she was quick to figure out) are four words, scrawled. "Take me. I'm yours" She smiles at this.
She is telling me how poetic I am, even in pain.
I am contemplating how I will murder her.

If I were to write this song that could penetrate your ears
Would it calm your trembling soul?
Would it ease your every fear?

It isn't cold outside.
I'm wearing a jacket and pants, regardless.
It is hot outside.
It is winter.
Fuck.

Can we go back to the place where we all used to see through
Everything blinding us. Now you don't understand anything
anymore and you shiver at the sight...
You're afraid to show that you're only so human tonight

I want to write a love song.
I don't even LIKE anyone right now.
Fuck this shit.

Could the song solve all our problems?
Could it have the strength to heal?
Or would it cripple and destroy
And leave nothing unrevealed?

I'm sinking like a stone in the sea.

I’m burning like a bridge for your body…

Why was it Saturday night when I carried you from the stadium to the bus? I have two sprained ankles, and you were tired. You rested your head in my shoulder and hugged my neck closely while I held you in my hands and felt big and important. I set you down and you invited me to Dennys. “I can’t go, my dad’s coming to pick me up already.” You smile and I walk away, hearing you say “Text me in the morning.” I walk to my bus and join my girlfriend in the seat beside me.

I’m afraid that I’m falling for the wrong person.

Goodnight, sanity.

“I think I love you” The words hold on to the smoke in my breath as they climb out. The cigarette smoke slowly fades, while the words remain suspended in the air like some slurred reminder of the mistakes I’m making. (I have my hands behind my back, this shows insecurity, I do not want her to think i’m insecure while I’m telling her I love her; I’m avoiding eye contact, which tells her that I’m nervous; and I used the word think, which might make HER think that I say this to everyone, while I, in fact, dont.) She picks up on none of these except for the word love. I am mostly thankful. “I’m sorry, Ryan. I don’t think I can ever love you, again.” My heart gains fifty or sixty pounds over the course of three seconds. I think It’s somewhere in my lower abdomen. “W-why not?” it kills me to even ask this, because I know that secretly, I don’t want to know. I inhale slowly, trying to pull the words back into my mouth. “Because we’re too close now. I can never fall in love with you. You’re a really good friend, you found me an amazing boyfriend…” I wish she had told me it was because of the fact that I’m an angry, pathetic person. But instead she told me it was because she cared too much.

Good lord, kill me now.

You could do better, you could be the greatest man in the world

The fact that you're sitting on my lap makes no difference to me. I will pay no attention to the kisses you're laying on my cheek. I will not care about the words you are saying.
But if you could wake me up with only your touch...
I might.
I might care.

I might care that you're telling me you love me. I might care that you're trying to give me the kiss of life. I might care that you're attempting to bring me back to life.
But you are not my Jesus Christ
you cannot bring me back to life.


My empire has fallen, I am not evil.
I am just a boy.
A teenage boy.



My eyes flicker open and I show a tiny smile.
Your tears mix with mine.

I am just a boy.
but unlike the others, I am in love.









(With myself, what a novel idea)

I opened up my mind, and tried to find God. I found her where I'd least expect. She was hidden among the cigarette stained youth, in skinny black jeans, and a shirt that said "Team Jacob" She looked at me and smiled, said "Ryro!" I stepped back a step and looked at the face of perfection, and all that is right in the world. I was staring into the eyes of God. She gave me a hug, and told me everything was going to be fine...

put down that cigarette, my hearts not in it yet.

I will forever fade away. It's my only Destiny.
I met God, I did. I met God and I ruined everything with her. Her family, her friends. I ruined it. God's giving me a second chance, a chance to redeem myself. God is here for me, and I find every time we talk, God needs my help...

I love you.
I promise you.

She won't hate me long enough for us to fall in love.

the world is a sick, dark place, and highschool is just as bad. we're thrust into this hellhole that we live our lives in every day. except for every saturday and sunday. those are the days where we live our lives to the best of our ability, and as average human beings. not teenage monsters. i am a teenage monster 24/7 i am a liar, hypocritic, moron. i would enjoy very much if you would calmly die.


I am also in like with a girl I have never spoken to.
I am also in like with jerica.
I'm a horrid person.
I love it :D

Guiding Satans steady hand.

Wish me luck fuckers.
Tomorrow I head into the lions den.
My mouth tastes like cigarettes and malicious intent.
I am hoping that by the time she tastes my tongue it will not be flavored of gin and unadmirable plans.
But who knows, right?
It probably will.
I'm such a terrible person, after all.
I can only hope that it'll stay that way long enough for her to realize it.
(:
I'm so sick.
I love it.

Death for my birthday.

Suicidal people only make it so damn far, terrible people do terrible things, and Ryan Thomas Dilks is a dick.


All three are true.
I'm a terrible person.
I think i'll sleep now.
Goodnight, fuckers.

a part of me they didn't know existed

This has been me forever, though. I might not show it at school, or in public, but it exists. This is me.
Ryan Thomas Dilks, writer, romantic.
I'm such a sorry, sad child.
But I'm also such a happy, though scared one.
But life is not a spark in space, no episode of will&grace.
Controversial yet mundane.

I'm forever doomed to love the forbidden fruit, and kiss the poison tongue. I will never find true happiness for myself, and it makes me proud, in a way, knowing that my sadness will be your guiding light...


But I'm stuck on you.
I am.
Because I'm not allowed to have you, that's why.
your name is Sarah.
Your last name is O'Cleary.
You are related to Angel.
He doesn't PARTICULARLY like me.
I love that.

;D






Ofcourse. I could do better.

One more night.

In my life I have done a million things, and the one thing I regret doing the most is lying to Riley.
And then ruining whatever friendship we had left.
I am a horrible person because I cannot get her out of my head, and I am a horrible person because I cannot leave it alone. Call me a stalker, if you wish, but I'm not. I am just a boy with not much left in this world but his writing and his depression. I refuse to wake up from another night of begging myself to apologize without actually doing so, so Riley, here it is. I'm sorry.
I apologize for everything.
The lies, the rumors, the... everything.
I tried hurting you, and I'm glad I didn't.
It was today, though, talking to Leo about Oaks...
He mentioned you.
I said "I remember Riley..."
He said "She was a bitch."
I said "Eh. She used to be, but she changed a lot..."
He said "You talk to her?"
I said "I try, but she doesn't respond anymore."
He said "Oh... Bitch."
I nodded, and cried inside.

It is later.
I am telling Kathy that I miss you.
She tells me not to.
It is Seconds later.
I am tweeting to you.
She tells me not to.
It is Right now.
Im sorry.

How far we've been.

It is tonight, and the rain pounding against our window scares you a bit. You cuddle closer to me as I hug you tighter, "Don't worry, darling, it'll go away." you kiss me and smile, "I hope so, babe."

Oh how I wish we were this again.

Just give me one more night

"Who am I going to ask out today?" they hung in the air, and she looked at them with uncertainty. She shook hair from her eyes and whispered a reply, "Me?" He nods and grabs her hand, "You're right." She smiles and hugs him. Their heads come closer together as they lock in a kiss.
BEEP BEEP BEEP.
He pulls away and looks around. "What is that?" His voice cracks.
BEEP BEEP BEEP.
The perfect girl in front of him fades, as my eyes flicker open.

Today is Sunday, I am sore.

Who will save us?

I want to tell you I'm lying every time I say "I love you." But I'm trying to make you happy, and I feel bad about it. My heart is my own, and I'm not ready to give it away again. I'm sorry, but I'll never love you. I also had a dream about what I used to have. Heartbroken that I won't have it again.

Just send me that ambulance.

The slap echoes like a gunshot in my head. My cheek burns, as I clutch it, crying. I suppose I deserved what was coming to me, but I'll never admit it* I am a horrible person.
I would LOVE for you to break up with me.
Or let me break up with you.

But neither of those things are happening. :D
So I will continue to pretend I'm happy, when really I just want to smack your hand and tell you to back off.
Ah.
I'll smile, and hug you, telling you I love you.
I'll pretend that love songs are about you, I'll never complain.
i'll tell your friends how happy i am.
And then
When I get home.
I'll forget you exist.

Sic Transit Gloria

Her blood coats my hands, and runs down the drain. My hair is sweaty and hanging in front of my eyes, while I whisper to myself "I am not guilty of any crime." Repeat. I am smiling, despite myself.
My skin is red.


and you are dead.



goodnight.

The art of breaking up.

i need an ambulance.
i took, i took the worst of the blow.
send me a redeemer.
let me know if i'm gonna be alright.
am i gonna be alright?
'cause i know how it usually goes.
i know how it usually goes.

I am Ryan Thomas Dilks.
I am Forever.
I'm still the best, more or less, i guess.
I think
That.
I
Will
Leave
You

Baby please, let go, my Eloise.

Being the sick and sorry young man that I am, I'm flipping a coin to decide whether I want to hurt you now, and break up, or if I want to stay together, and hurt you later.


It said stay together.
10 times.

Fate or Coincidence?

I Will Play My Game Beneath the Spin Light.

The coastline is quiet, while we're quietly losing control.
How terribly sad.

I seem to have fallen in love.

Better think fast, Killer!

I have my first tournament tomorrow.
I am fully prepared to experience defeat.
I am NOT, however, prepared to go another day, see you, and not say anything.
You are killing me.
Your brother would kill me if he found out.

And you don't even know.
oh the sick innocence.

How funnnn

Sin On Sunday
highschool lows

Throw you away,
Throw you away,
You weren't worth much anyway.
Stuck in this place,
Like everyday.
Hellhole until I graduate.
Who I wouldn't kill,
To make love with a girl
Forget her name, with superior skill.
Take her back home,
To meet with my folks
Tell her a dozen corny jokes.
She'll call me clever,
Say forget her.
And I'll dump her ass within the week
Welcome to highschool
This place has no rules,
At least as far as i can see.

I'm a go-getter
And nothing smells better
Than knowing that we sin on sunday
All the boys with their letters
And varsity sweaters
Pray the day away until come monday.

I haven't forgotten,
You spoiled me rotten,
The names and the kisses and smiles
But you are my past now
Letting you know now
The words only intentions were to beguile.
That's right I lied just
To acheive your lust
Can't believe you fell right into my hands
I was stoking your hatred,
And girl you were baited,
You fell for my plan.
You gave me innocence,
For only fifty cents
And I got into your pants.


I'm a go-getter
And nothing smells better
Than knowing that we sin on sunday
All the boys with their letters
And varsity sweaters
Pray the day away until come monday.
I'm a go-getter
And nothing smells better
Than knowing that we sin on sunday
All the boys with their letters
And varsity sweaters
Pray the day away until come monday.

And this place is a hellhole
Blackening my soul,
I don't want this to be the last one
Fucking highschool drama
You hate that I'm honest
I don't want to be the bad son.
But I'll burn this place down
Right down to the ground
If it will bring home the bacon.
Because fat-heads will burn hot
In the big ego melting pot
That we awaken
To everyday!

I'm a go-getter
And nothing smells better
Than knowing that we sin on sunday
All the boys with their letters
And varsity sweaters
Pray the day away until come monday.

You are still pretty and I am still choked up

Lies are an ongoing theme in my life, and it's slowly tearing me apart.
I don't think i should care anymore, but I can't bring myself to stop.
You led me on, you did.
Number 4 to lie like this.
Thanks, darling.
I'm really glad you cared.
Thank you for kissing my wounds.
Thank you for telling me you love me.
You're welcome for the song.
I think I'll go drown myself in words and reverie.
Or I'll go die somewhere.
Possibly my bed.
Who knows.
Just remember that when you see me next, it was your fault.

Attention ladies and gentlemen, I think I want to write another song.

You left the frays from the ties you severed when you say "Best friends means friends forever"

And just because I can get angry.
How fucking DARE you tell me that I'm a horrible friend.
I pretty much TRUSTED YOU, queerbag.
I thought that best friends meant friends forever, asshole.
GOD DAMN IT.
I'm so pissed at you, man.
I don't know if I'll ever get over it.

Expensive.

Stuck.
I look down at the piece of paper in front of me and cuss to myself, under my breath.
I'm stuck.
All I have written down is one word.
Expensive.
I don't know what to do with it.
I turn it sideways, literally.
I still can't do fuck all with it.
My paper gets crumpled up and thrown into the trashcan while I stare at my table.
My table says nothing on it, except for the faint markings of what was possibly a love letter at one time.
Who knows.
Expensive.
I trace the letters with my fingers and frown, I do not know why I wrote it on the paper.
It means nothing to me, independently, and It hardly means anything in a sentence.
I wish I could crumble my table up and throw it away.
I'd be staring at the floor.
Through the floor, beneath me, is hell.
At least, that's what I've been taught.
Secretly, though, I think that hell is the reason I'm looking at my table.
I don't want to look up and see hell.
This Highschool hellhole.
Everyone is a liar.
It's disgusting.
For some reason, the children who attend school with me are too much like me.
Drama is what they leech.
They live for the drama.
If they cannot get drama, they become whores or bullies.
If they can get drama, they become depressed or ecstatic.
They feel the need to associate with a boyfriend or a girlfriend that they don't know, because it gives them the drama they want.
But there are the select few.
The ten people in my school who let me know, daily, that Ontario Highschool is not hell.
The people who manage to learn someones name before asking them out.
The people who manage to learn my name before deciding that they don't like me.
The people who help me see that everyone's an oyster with a grain of sand.
I've spent too long telling myself that I hate everyone, when I know that it's not true.
I just hate the majority.
But then there is you.
And you asked me for a dollar to day.
You said you'd pay me back, but I think i won't let you.
You are not J! and I know you a lot less than I know J!
I have never written you a song, and you have never read one that I /have/ written.
I've never told you that I love you.
I've never hugged you.
I've never told you my life story.
You probably do not know what my voice sounds like when I'm angry.
But for some reason.
Some really awkwardly strange reason.
I think that I like you far too much.
And that's why i want to, somehow, someway, get to know you.

Love always,
Ryan Thomas Dilks

ps.
I've learned my identity again, I'm also more of the man I've always wanted to be.
I'm becoming a real person, now.

I've seen more spine on jellyfish

No beating around the bush, I had an anxiety attack in band. By anxiety I mean extreme panic and depression. It was the angriest I've been in a long time and I have no idea why. The only thing that kept me from tearing some heads off was your voice. I swear. I couldn't get over the fact that Aprils socks were a different color, or that my trombone had a piece of tape on the end of it, holding my spit in. And I promise, I don't know why. It didn't stop until the dodgers won. I was still flipping out over every stupid nothing. I just want it to be next Wednesday so that I can see Say Anything.


What I could really fucking use right now:
1. a glass of water. Like, honestly, a glass.
2. some more music.
3. say anything live.
4. to get in a fight.
5. some FUCKING food.
6. and for sure some avocado.

He sifts through his bag, mostly to avoid taking another step.
The gates are open, but there are only two choices. He wipes his mouth and prepares for a step down the road on his left, believing with everything in his heart that it is indeed, the right road.

He will soon find out.

"why don't you just... ask?"
"because it seems to become harder the less it becomes theory and the more it becomes practice."

And yes, while I do wish i could just pull the fucking trigger, It's not as easy as it sounds.
My finger is shaking against it, and I don't think my aim is as good as i think it is.

I can pull the trigger from way back here, but it does not count.

once i get close enough to kill her.
yes.
kill.
her.
I cannot pull the trigger.

Die young and save yourself.

It's dark in here. In fact, it's REALLY fucking dark in here, and I don't like it one bit. I can't see who is behind me or next to me, and they are all touching me. I cannot see who is in front of me, or who I am laying on top of. I wipe the sweat from my forehead as the lights all turn on and I'm surrounded by victims of the same thing.
A succubus.
They are all silent, naked and bleeding.
No one even breathes.
I'm the only one still clothed and as a female hand brushes my shoulder, only one voice is heard.
A boy whispers softly "This is so messed up."
The hand pulls my shirt up over my head and I look the girl in the eyes while the boy who spoke bites his tongue and watches the events unfold.
And they unfold fast.
Soon I, too, am naked, silent and bleeding.

I am the lamb.
She is the slaughter.

I wrote this song.... a couple days straight.

Katherine

by Highschool Lows

I wish that I could read minds
So that I could know what was going on in mine
Wish I could speak clear
Cause I would ask if you could please stay here.
Wish I could see you.
But I'm blinded dead, see what true love can do?
Woah, I'm falling off the edge again
And I need excuses for I don't wanna stand.
Woah, see what you did to me
If I chose who I was, why isn't this what I want to be?

And as this slowly changed
I kept on thinking it was all staged.
Rip me up, I'm laid out.
I'm coming home, won't you please lay down.

You've taken all my breath
I'm gasping on the floor making the most of what I've got left.
You've taken all my words
Speechless, love, is less than what you deserve.
Please take this song
As a token of my gratitude,
You know I'm never leaving you
But this is all that I can do
I hope it's okay.
Won't even open up to breathe,
Instead you opened up to me
And now I won't ever be the same.

And as this slowly changed
I kept on thinking it was all staged.
Rip me up, I'm laid out.
I'm coming home, won't you please lay down.
And as this slowly changed
I kept on thinking it was all staged.
Rip me up, I'm laid out.
I'm coming home, won't you please lay down.

I'm gone, baby I'm gone.
Open up to me, I'm singing our song.
This it it, it's all I can do.
I hope that it's okay with you.

A token of my gratitude,
You know I'm never leaving you
But this is all that I can do
I hope it's okay.
Won't even open up to breathe,
Instead you opened up to me
And now I won't ever be the same.
(I'm gone, baby I'm gone.
Open up to me, I'm singing our song.
This it it, it's all I can do.
I hope that it's okay with you.)

I used to swear to God like he could listen
Try me out girl you don't know what you're missing
I promise you I'm not the same,
Oh no girl I've changed..
And as this slowly changed
I kept on thinking it was all staged.
Rip me up, I'm laid out.
I'm coming home, won't you please lay down.

I don't want this to be
The last time that you see me,
But if we can't stand it,
I guess all hope's abandoned.
Couldn't go to sleep, trying to get away.
I wish that I could leave, but I really have to stay.
You are not my friend, no you belong to me
I wish that you had left me just a little room to breathe.
I don't even have a pair of legs to stand.
I stole your love and I sold it secondhand.
Girl, don't ever leave my side, because I need you here
The fire in your eyes has dried up all my tears.
This is not what I do
But I will if I have to.
I can't stay, no way I'm gone.
So long.
So long....

Blacking out on the floor, same thing as the night before...

Good God.
I would do anything to touch your skin one last time.
You STILL haunt my fucking dreams.
Bitch.
GODDDDD.
Why?
Why did you do that to me?

I used to pray like God was listening

"I love you"
The words hung in the air. Neither of us knew what to do next. I opened my mouth "I love you too?" there was a question mark, and she did not want it there.
"Yes. Yes you do."

I woke up...
Today was....
Fuck.
Nothing like my dream.

I'm a word that no one ever wants to say.

"Smile," she says. I smile and laugh, "Alright, I'm smiling." She looks at my smile and laughs too, "Good smile, Ryan." It looks goofy. I know it does, I did it on purpose. She hugs me and starts walking away, "Good luck on the test, boy."
I shiver.

5minutes earlier.

J! walks up to me in the hallway before history. Just like she does every day. But today something is different, she knows it. "Hey Ryan," she says, and frowns, staring at my wrist, "why did you do it?" I shake my head and try to hide the scar, "Do what?" she isn't fooled. She grabs my hand and twists it so that my wrist is pointing up. "That. Why?" I shake my head again and she slaps me,"No, Ryan. Tell me."
"It's nothing, it was an accident."
"Bullshit, boy." Her voice and her eyes give me the same feeling.
I now feel both guilty and horny.
"J! it-"
"Don't lie. Why did you do it." there wasn't a question mark. Her voice remained the same. I frown. "I don't know why i did it. I felt like shit. I regret it."
"Damn straight you regret it." she kisses my wrist and looks at me, I'm still frowning. "Smile."
I shake my head. "Smile, Ryan." I pull my wrist away and look her in the eyes. Gorgeous. "Smile," She says. I smile and laugh...

Some die looking for a hand to hold.

"It's blood." The words form themselves around my lips with an awkward gravity, "It's blood and it's dripping onto the table." Across the table is Jeremy, smiling sickly and bleeding, "It's blood, Dilks. I wasn't arguing." His accent pierces my ear drums. It's disgusting. It's sexy. He looks at his wrist. Bleeding.
A drop of blood falls back onto the table.
"Fucking Jeremy, clean that shit up. I don't need you cutting yourself and bleeding all over my table."
He doesn't move. Instead he sits there and stares at me with his grey eyes. He shakes the hair from his eyes and flashes a frown, yet never lets his grin falter.
My hand shoots to the left and grabs a napkin, wiping the blood and throwing another at Jeremy in one swift move, "Put it against your wrist. If you're going to hurt yourself at my house, keep it clean."
He looks over at me and stands.
I can see his lips trying to say something.
My mouth says it first.
"I'm not hurting myself. I'm hurting you."
I sound like him.
Just.
Like.
Him.

I shiver a bit and look down at my bleeding wrist.
I'm holding a napkin to it and staring into the mirror.
I keep on mumbling to myself as I bleed and shake.

"It hurts to know that when you tell them where you got the scars, they'll call you insane." He whispers it in my ear.
For a person that never existed outside of my body, I can see him too clearly over my shoulder.
His hand runs along my chest and he kisses my cheek.
His soft limey accent whispers something in latin, and the bleeding stops.

Operor non timeo praecessi subter supter

he fades away, but is nowhere near gone.
His words remain.

Operor non timeo praecessi subter supter
do not be afraid to go underneath.

How to say goodbye

1. the buildup "Hey, (namegoeshere) I think we should talk."


it is third period. Still. I just want to go home. It's not very often that my phone gets signal in that class. but when it does, i always seem to get an important text.
This one is from J! "I'm sorry I haven't texted you in a while, I'm just trying to figure myself out, Just like you are."
I text her back "I've figured you out. It's time to figure myself out now. I'll talk to you after school."

2. the false hope "No it's nothing bad, just important."

it is sixth period. Still. I just want to go home. I write her a note and throw it across the table.
"I never got a chance to tell you who I like, yesterday."
She reads this and smiles.
Adorable smile.
"Who?"
I read it and shiver.
She wasn't supposed to ask.
"You."
The note flies across the table and lands on her folder.
She unfolds the note and looks at it.
I can see the single word reflected in her eyes.
you
She smiles and writes something else down.
"Idk, I think we should just be friends."
Story of my life.
Bell rings.
Time to go home.
I throw the note in the trashcan and leave her in the dust.

3. the letdown "I just can't stay."

i am sitting in band.
I am holding my trombone and looking pissed off.
I am.
Arnold won't shut the fuck up.
"Arnold, shut the fuck up, please?"
That was SectionLeader.
Arnold doesn't shut the fuck up.
I just want to stab him.
In the chest.
Ten times.
my phone vibrates.
J!
the word appears on my screen.
you.
"I know, J!"

4. the fake apologies. "I'm sorry, Truly."

it is last night.
I'm laying on the chair/bed/thingy.
I am thirsty.
The TV is off.
there is no noise.
I cannot sleep like this.
My niece is sleeping in a box.
Does it make me a bad person if I want to tape the box shut?
probably.
I text Kathy.
"I am going to hurt someone tomorrow."
She is sleeping in a box.
I don't know why this bothers me as much as it does.
it shouldn't.
But it does.
I text J!
"My niece is sleeping in a box."
Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.
"Wtf? Why?"
i shrug.
Which is stupid.
she doesn't see.
I text her back
"I don't know. But it pisses me off. Goodnight."

5. the day after. "-awkward silence-"

it is today.
After band.
I text J!
"I'm out of band, now."
Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.
"I don't want to talk to you right now."
I look over at Arnold.
He's still being a dick.
I want to stab him still.
Instead I call him a dumbass and walk to my moms car angrily.

six. the regret.

it is almost literally right now.
Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.
"I'm sorry about earlier, Ryan. It wasn't you. It was me."
I text her back.
"Sure. It's fine. Come back to school. I miss you."

She is asking.

And she is guessing.
But I do not tell her it is you.

She'll find out.

fk'd

You are staring.
There is door one, which is wide open, and you are staring at the love of your life.
Then there is door two.
Shut.
And Monty Hall says, "You can keep door one. Or you can open door two."
"I'll take door two."

The air of mystery is what attracts you.
The love of your life is amazing, but He/she isn't as mysterious as whatever is behind door two.

It's a goat.
It is now less than mysterious.

This is Forever!

New songggg.
Y3Y me!
The album is written completely.

Open your eyes babe.
Look up from the ground.
Every day you're spending makes another come around.
I know you say I need you more, You've opened up the door.
We're stepping inside.

And I am you hero!
I will not let you go.
I am your friend.
Save me.
Baby save me.
I am your hero!
I will not let you die alone.
Oh no.
It's day one, forgive forget that we're apart,
I know it's hard to heal my heart.
But You are my...

OH! It feels SO nice.
And I swear I only did it twice
[I am your hero] (x3)

I am your hero.
I am your friend.

They will not take you from me.
Open your eyes, look around and see.
Life is what happens when you're dragging around
They will only find us if we open our mouths
You are my girl.
And I am your lover.
This is right now.
And this is forever.

Here we sit, we're counting stars.
I just don't know you are.
I am your hero.
I am your friend.
If this is forever,
I won't let it end.

I know I never said this but you're the world to me,
And though I never meant it I said you're not for me.
And I don't want to hurt you,
But you're trying to tear me apart.
But now and only now as they're dragging me away.
There's something that I've always wanted to hear you say and that's,
I don't want this to be
The last time that you see me.
But if we can't stand it
I guess all hope's abandoned.

This is forever.

I feed you drugs on a silver plate.

Put my fire out with your brain.
Do me in.

"Please?" She smiles, "Just once." I look at her, frowning, "Not once. Not ever." She grabs my hand, "For me?" I pull away and turn around, my middle finger shoots up into the air, "Not once. Not ever."

As promised, here's Hero.

Why does he have to hit you like that?
Does it make him feel like more of a man?
Hey girl, you're really pretty, I think you can do better
But he's got you hostage, sending me a crank a letter.
He keeps pushing and shoving babygirl around.
If I could baby, I'd take him down.
When he hears you crying does it make him feel right?
I say you leave him by the end of the night.

But I'm here, and I will be your hero.
I won't let him win, that supervillain zero.
He's a bad man, a ruthless instigator
Cant stop getting high, perpetual blazer.
But I'm here.
And I'm your hero.

He's got you in a stranglehold
You don't want him, but he wont let go.
Just kick him out, you can do it my love.
But you're running out of time what're waiting on?
You need to get out of his lust my dear.
You cannot listen to the things you hear
When you hear him lying does it feel alright?
I say you leave him by the end of the night.

But I'm here, and I will be your hero.
I won't let him win, that supervillain zero.
He's a bad man, a ruthless instigator
Cant stop getting high, perpetual blazer.
But I'm here.
And I'm your hero.

Secretly I've been writing an album

This is forever, album description


This album is a kind of love story.
It starts off with the girl in our story, who's in the midst of an abusive relationship (Something to Bleed On). And our boy has a secret crush on the girl, and when he finds out about the abuse she's taking, he tries to save her from the relationship (Hero). The girl loves this, and decides to take him as her boyfriend. They have a good relationship (Landing Gear) but evventually she'll leave him (Forgive: Forget) he confesses that she was his saviour (Want To Go Home) and begs her to come back, but she refuses (Staying away) He takes up drugs and becomes violent (Only Twice + Unt!tled) he then tries to kick the habit (I'm Gone). He fails and then tries to commit suicide (Dressed to kill) but another girl stops and saves him (Hero Revise.) and they live happily ever after (This is forever)


In a way, it's about myself and a single relationship that I was in, with a few extra things added in, or stolen from other relationships. But it's all mostly taken from a specific one, and if she ever hears this album, she'll know it was about her.

This is a Breakup song

And it's about two different things.
It was written about a drug, but it could also be a response to my last song "Want to go Home"

It's called So Gone, by Highschool Lows

I'm laying here, I'm drying off the tears,
I won't forget the way you made me feel,
Eveytime we whispered our goodnights,
Said I loved you, mostly out of fright.
But there's no way I'm coming back to you
Because I know what you can make me do.
But still I cannot bear to say goodbye,
Maybe it's time I give in to your lies.
You tell me that I need you,
So i say it to my friends.
You ask me not to leave you,
So I stay in your defense.
But it's so hard to leave you here
Buried in my veins.
I just wish I could leave you
But you're begging me to stay.

And I don't want to hurt you,
But you're trying to tear me apart.
And I don't want to lose you,
But it's so wrong you've blackened my heart.
And I'm dying to kick you away,
But I'm stuck on the pain that your taking from me
I can't risk it any longer I'm gone.
And this is my final love song.

You keep calling me back telling me that you've changed
And I'm finding it harder and harder to stay away,
Call me one more time, I think I need to hear your voice.
Baby, I'm so gone... You only make me worse.
I try kicking and screaming, but it only makes me hoarse.
I just wish you would leave me, baby just go.

And I don't want to hurt you,
But you're trying to tear me apart.
And I don't want to lose you,
But it's so wrong you've blackened my heart.
And I'm dying to kick you away,
But I'm stuck on the pain that your taking from me
I can't risk it any longer, I'm gone.
And this is my final love song.
Baby I'm gone.

Also

I swear to God that's for me.
From her.
Even if it's probably not.
I'll do it anyway.

Seven loves you so much.

I am laying here on my bed, and I only have one wish. I wish that she would pull the trigger and murder me. Leave me lying on my bed, gasping for breath. Bleeding. Choking. Dead.

But instead she will stand there.
She will stand there with the gun pressed to my skull.
A skill she took right from the book of LiamAlexander
She insists on letting me live.
She reaches down and strokes my cheek.
Spits in my face.
And leaves.


































































bitch.

There is nobody here.

New song:

Want to go home, by Highschool Lows

It's been three years since life was easy
And now they're trying hard to save me,
But I'm too busy giving up on all this.
And they try hard to get me breathing
Suddenly my cheast is heaving
I'm alive again and back in all this.
And you say, "Baby I just want you to stay
Don't you ever ever go away.
I won't let them take your place."
But you got up and left anyway.
And I'm chained to this bed.
You left me feeling dead.
Don't you leave me alone,
Baby girl, won't please take me home?

I don't want this to be
The last time that you see me.
But if we can't stand it
I guess all hope's abandoned.
And this aint what I do
But I'll do it if I have to.
And you aren't the one that I knew best
Baby girl, does this confession impress you?

And here we sit, counting stars.
I just don't know who you are.
You always said these things were silly
But is that all that you feeling?
As I want you more, you want me less,
You try so hard, swear you're obsessed.
And I'll say, "Baby, don't you go nowhere
I can't stand life without you here
Don't want you to leave my sight."
But then you went and said goodbye.
And I'm stuck to this pen,
I'm writing letters that won't be sent
Don't you leave me alone,
Baby girl, won't you please take me home

I don't want this to be
The last time that you see me.
But if we can't stand it
I guess all hope's abandoned.
And this aint what I do
But I'll do it if I have to.
And you aren't the one that I knew best
Baby girl, does this confession impress you?
I don't want this to be
The last time that you see me.
But if we can't stand it
I guess all hope's abandoned.
And this aint what I do
But I'll do it if I have to.
And you aren't the one that I knew best
Baby girl, does this confession impress you?
Does this confession depress you?

I let the bad parts in, the bad parts in.

She said she would dream about me.
You said you were as we spoke.
She said she loved me.
You said you don't know how.
She said that I was perfect.
You said that I was wonderful.
She said that my letters and poems rendered her speechless.
You said that I'm a very sweet guy.

I killed her.

You're next.

Am I lost in your eyes?

I am sitting here, at the end of my rope.
The knot is tied, the gun is cocked and ready, the toaster is next to the tub, the pills in my hand.
I am thinking of doing all of them at once, but I do not know how to correctly kill myself.
Besides, who would show up to my funeral?
Who would dare look at the dead Ryan Thomas Dilks?
Who would have anything nice to say, but Best Friend?
Eddie would say: "All I knew about him were lies."
Armando would say: "He seemed too happy to kill himself"
Vlad would cry and say: "One last time, just for him... Who's the babe?"
Dannyboy would repeat after Vlad: "Who's the babe?"
My family would cry and cry.
Best Friend might cry, too.
I don't know.
But I do know that she'd talk the longest.
Because I'd ask her to.
I pull the rope from around my neck, I unplug the toaster, I put the gun away, and I put the pills back in the bottle.

I was about to die.
I was about to commit suicide.
It was attempts 14, 15, 16, and 17.
And I failed them all.

I was about to commit suicide because I forgot to thank you this afternoon.

(Of course I wasn't going to physically kill myself.
I mean it in a metaphorical, metaphysical sense.
Kill myself psychologically.)

I was about to commit suicide because I forgot to thank you this afternoon.
Because you were there and I never gave you any recognition.
So here it is.
Thank you.
I am sorry that I didn't tell you in person.
I wish we had rehearsal tomorrow so that I /could/ tell you in person.
But I'm a loser.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.

Also.
The only reason I haven't asked you on a date without betting for it is because I'm afraid of having my heart broken.
And you can't break my heart if I don't let you inside of it.
But I like you a lot.
A lot.
You're a sweet girl.
You like the right things.
Not to mention, you look like God.
Seeing as I imagine that (s)he is gorgeous.
I don't think that I want to let you into my heart, yet, though.
You handled my mind better than most.
And I think that right now, that's where I want to leave it.
I'm sorry, Censored.
But that's all I can do for now.
Maybe one day I'll let myself ask you out on a date.
But not yet.
Not now.

Grand finale.

I am falling.
I don't like falling, but I can't deny it: I am definitely falling.
Damn.
Not metaphorically, not in love or anything, no.
I am falling.
Downwards.
By way of gravity.
The ground is not getting any closer.
Fuck.
Ryan, rise and shine. Time for school

My eyes shoot open.
I do not want to wake up.
Suddenly I like falling, I don't want to stop falling.
I try my best to fall some more.

Ryyyyannnn. Wake up.

Fuck this.
I sit up.
I put on my game face.
I put on my game clothes.
I do my hair.
(Brush, Squirt, Brush, Squirt)
"I'm ready."*


Boom.
School.
Where the fuck is Eddie and Armando?
Here's Daniel, but where's Vlad?
Fuck.
First period.
"Class, today we're taking our chapter 7 test."
Aced.
Easy shit.
Fire alarm.

Nobody budges, this is sad.
This is how often the alarm goes off.
pardon the interruption.
there is a fire, but we have it in control.
Thank you
Even sadder.
People were in real danger, and nobody moved from their seats.
Sad.

Second period.
Tintary is reading MLKs work.
Genius man.
Both of them.
Tintary and MLK.

BOOM!
Third period.
Fuck.
Mr. G's on jury duty, still?
Shit.
Movie about Jack the Ripper.
Alright.
Fire alarm.
Nobody moves.
This is even sadder still.
It's another fire.
Still nobody moves.
Holy shit.

Lunch Time.
There's Vlad.
And Eddie.
And Armando.
"Who's the babe?"
"Stick your head in there."
"Hey faggot."
Etcetera.
On our way to fourth period.
that's where it happens.

"Why do you always hit us, why don't you ever get Dilks?"
"Cause he's a little bitch about it."
"Bullshit, homeboy, you're just afraid of him."
"Fucking, naw, look"
He aims for my nuts.
I block him.
"See, he fucking blocks it."
I aim for his nuts.
He blocks me.
"You're a little bitch too then, eh. You blocked it too."
"Naw fool, I'm not a little bitch. You're just a fucking queer."
I shove him to the floor.
"Shut the fuck up, little bitch"
He stands up to hit me and Mrs. Mach steps in between us.

We don't get in official trouble.

5th period is boring.
6th period is, too.
Except that Freshmen and the Girl who Sits Next to Me are talking about my fight.
They exaggerate it.
I look like the good guy, though.
I go with it.
Why not?
It's highschool.



*I lied.

And with that:

This blog gets yet another name change.
Goodbye TenFold.
Hello Villainous Bastard.

Sometimes I hear songs that remind me of myself in a scary way.

For example, Property.
It's about an abusive relationship.
From the eyes of the abuser.
And hearing how much it reminded me of myself, made me realize I'm an abusive monster.
There's not a word in that song that I haven't said or threatened.

Kanye West is a dick

Dear Talyor Swift, you won a VMA, congrats.
I love you.

Dear Kanye West,
Fuck you, bro.

Burn that motherfucker to the ground.

It is Friday afternoon, and we are waiting for the busses to take us to the football game.
I am in my uniform.
Waiting.
"Fucking Queer" James says.
He is looking my way.
"Fuck you, James."
He walks over to me and shoves me.
"Do something."
I don't.
"Faggot" he says, and walks away.

Release the beast.

I shove him to the ground and kick the side of his head.
James is bleeding from the lip.
He stands up and swings at me.
Misses.

release the beast

I swing back.
But I make contact.
He falls backwards down the hill.
He is dead.

"Faggot," he says, and walks away.
I look over at him and be the bigger man.
He IS dead, inside.
I know it.
But I am alive.
I'm alive.
And I'm the bigger man.

Manifest Destiny is Just a fancy word for murder.

I am ALIVE.
And well.
A miracle must have happened last night.
Oh my goodness.
First football game tomorrow.
My voice is gone, but still.
Oh.
My.
God.
I'm so excited for health.
I'm gonna get offline and do something else, just as nonproductive.
HELL YEAH FOOTBALL.

Ps.

You told me that the virus escapes through bodily fluids
As another bead of sweat rolls down my neck, and across my chest, I thank god that you reminded me that sweat was a bodily fluid.
Love you.

Day35: Dead Man Walking

Please sing to me.
I can see you open up to breathe.
Fast words make it easier on me.
If the points to never disappoint you,
Somebody's got to tell me what to do.
Just wish you could've seen me
When it used to come so easy.
I'd like to say that it's easy to stay
but it's not for me.
I'm barely here at all...


I am Ryan Thomas Dilks, and I am a dead man walking. I am trying not to give up, but it seems so god damned easy. I am dying. I am.
Granted, we all are, but that's beside the point.
I'm dying too quick. A virgin. Hot. Naked. With IceCream in one hand, and a gun in the other. I am going out like this. I am going out tonight. Last night I did not dream, and I woke up afraid that I died in my sleep. Maybe I died in that swimming pool on monday night.
Jumping into the pool, maybe I slipped and hit my head, dying on contact.
And maybe now I am in hell.
But the Dodgers won last night.
And are about to win tonight.
Kathy's still my best friend.
And I'm eating ice cream.
So this can't be hell...

Heaven?
No.
I'm too bad a person.
Besides, heaven wouldn't be feeding me the flu.
And in heaven, I'd be visited by Grandma Mabel, telling me she loves me.

So I'm still alive.
I just wish I felt better.
I am Ryan Thomas Dilks.
and I am a dead man walking.

Slow down now, the secrets out
and I swear now, I can make this perfect.
What you want
What you need
has been killing me
try to be everything that you want me to be.
I'll say yes, I'll undress.
I've done more for less.
Now I'll change everything till it's perfect again.

Personality flaws.

I was staring at the bottom of the toilet.
I could see my faint reflection, past the puke that had just come out of my mouth.
I rear back.
Another load flies, but this time there's blood mixed in.
A small amount, but an amount nonetheless.
I stare at the blood, which swirls with last nights dinner.
"Maybe it's fruit punch"
I tell myself.
I spit.
It's blood.
I can taste it.
"Fuck." I try to say.
What I really say is "Fu- akjsdnvin" because I puke.
No blood.
But my throat is burning.
There's loads of bile in the bowl.
I flush.
Rear back.
Puke.
Something comes out.
Something large.
It appears to be my stomach.
Yes.
Awesome.
Here I am, turning inside out in the toilet.
In pain, Slowly.
But private.
This is not how I wanted to go out.
No bang.

I am dying in this bathroom.
I am going to die a virgin, a bad man, with plenty of regrets.
H1N1 is murdering me.

I can see my reflection clearly again.
It's like there's a mirror at the bottom of the porcelain chair.
But there's not.
I wish there were.
I want to see what dying looks like.
I look up, into the mirror on my wall.
Fuck.
I look like shit.
Maybe I shouldn't have looked up....
"Fuck," I manage, "I look like shit... Maybe I shouldn't have lo-kjdvnbkj"
More puke.
My face is gone...
And it was then.
There.
Staring into that toilet, regretting my death, that I decided it was NOT time.
I slowly try to stand, I make it to my feet.
I am naked.
But I am NOT going to die naked.
I am NOT going to die a virgin.
I am NOT going to die today.
I drop to my knees.
Naked.
A virgin.
Today.
I puke.

Fuck.

I am at school.

In second period. in the computer lab.
it is cold.
i am sick.
FUCK.
this hurts so bad...
FML.

I am a vampire

Except that I do not need blood.
I need women.
Leave me.

I just sneezed.

And I thought I broke a rib.
That hurt like a biotch.
Like, no lie, man.

Jesus.

Anyway, I'm Ryan Thomas Dilks, and I think that tomorrow is tuesday.
but I'm not completely sure...

Disneyland last night was fun.
I s'pose.
I was on pirates and some trick kept touching on me.

She was alright, I guess.
But still.

My tongue has now become a platform for your lies.

I'm stuck here in between the shadows of my yesterday.
i want to get away.
I need to get away.

It is 12:37PM.
My father is still asleep.
He woke up for a half hour at around 9 this morning.
Then he fell back asleep.
It is just like any other sunday.
I am a sinner, because I am not at church.
Ryan Thomas Dilks, Sinning Bastard.

I'm half convinced that I'm destined for someone I not only don't know, but someone who doesn't like me at all.

I am NOT a bad person.
Kathy told me that.
Amy told me that.
Chloe told me otherwise.
Chloe told me I did not used to be a bad person.
But I have become one.
Ryan Thomas Dilks, Sinning Bastard Who Is Also A Bad Person.

It's a three day weekend.
God has blessed me with an extra day to sit at home, lazy and too thin.
No life.
No hope.
I can sit here and marinate in my thoughts.
Ryan Thomas Dilks, Sinning Poetic Genius.

Do you know what I hate?
People who think that birds make cute pets.
People who misuse the word "Ironic"
People who try and force their beliefs on me.
The word "Abnormalities"
Improper Fractions.
Teachers that don't understand the material they are teaching.
People who tell me they "Did their best" after they failed me.
People who tell me they "Will be here if I ever need to talk about anything" After I CLEARLY just stated that I'm fine.
Blimpies. [sandwich shop]

I'm just a big cauldron of sadness, aren't I?
yep.

Ryan Thomas Dilks, Sinning Poetic Cauldron of Hate and Sadness.

The (almost) complete SecretList

#1: I have a strong Oedipal complex

#2: I'm afraid I might be anorexic

#3: i'm a closet racist.

#4: I only believe in god so that I have someone to blame

#5: I tell disgusting lies for the attention

#6: I told my mom to cancel therapy because I was fine. I was really just afraid of being exploited.

#7: I cheated on shelby two times with three girls

#8: [censored]

#9: the only reason I didn't pass spanish is because I let my friend have my final exam

#10: [censored]

#11: I sleep with my TV on because I'm afraid of the dark.

#12: I sold naked pictures of my ex to buy Jamba Juice for Riley

#13: I'm a HUGE hypocrite

#14: [censored]

#15: I proposed to a girl while drunk

#16: I only have one testicle.

#17: I have a friend in elementary who thinks I'm dead.

#18: i've had 911 called on me, twice.

#19: I've sent random girls naked pictures of random guys.

#20: I hate looking in the mirror every morning.

#21: I've never prayed for my own personal gain

#22: [censored]

#23: I'm not nearly as happy as I pretend to be at school.

#24: I told the truth to Riley more than i tell the truth to myself

#25: [censored]

#26: I make fun of people out of jealousy.

#27: I have a strong attraction to bitchy girls

#28: I've probably used you more than once.

#29: [censored]

#30: I've taken pictures up girls skirts at school on more than one occasion.

#31: I took the drugs out of my friends back pocket when he was caught with them.

#32: [censored]

#33: I faked it when we had phone sex.

#34: [censored]

#35: It kills me to see Destiny happy.

#36: [censored]

#37: My neice is the only person to have heard me sing

#38: The friend from elementary who thinks I'm dead still talks to me. I pretend to be someone else.

#39: I once masturbated in a tattoo parlor.

#40: I recycle love notes.

#41: I'm gay for x!

#42: I used to tell her Demi is pretty so that she hurt me. I'm masochistic

#43: [censored]

#44: I'm stifling my depression so that I can keep on feeling alone

#45: I'm embarrassed about my bipolar, that's why I don't have medication for it.

#46: I tell her to have fun, but I really hope she has a shitty time.

#47: [censored]

#48: I tell myself every night what a bitch TX was, but when I remind myself of the truth, I miss her.

#49: I can't go through 10 minutes without wondering if I'm still smothering her. I haven't talked to her in hours.*

#50: I think I might really be God.

#51: Sometimes I reply to myself on GroupHug so that I don't feel so alone, but when I read it and /remember/ that it was me, i realize that it didn't work.

#52: I lie simply to keep my mind away from the truth

#53: I keep texting her "On accident"

#54: [censored]

#55: I hate when i'm reading my secret list, and I realize that 82% of them have been about myself.

#56: I lost weight, I really /am/ anorexic.

#57: I've had a strong sexual attraction to every english teacher of mine since 3rd grade.

#58: [censored]

#59: Stop saying she's a bitch. You aren't any better. You're fucking WORSE. you never gave me a chance to explain. That's why I hate you TX

#60: [censored]

#61: [censored]

#62: Whenever I see a group of little kids, I wish I was one of them.

#63: Whether I'm single or not, I'll always get turned on when a random girl checks me out.

#64: This day is much easier than I honestly expected.

#65: i let down the one person i told myself i wouldnt let down

#66: My mom's boyfriend is the perfect guy.

#67: I just lied to Kathy so that she would be happy for me.

#68: I've written 3 break up songs special for Riley, just in case.**

#69: <- I never want to try it.

#70: Schizography.blogspot.com/tell-me-im-a-bad-man.html

#71: I'm such a peaceful person, that the only thing that makes me mad is when that FUCKING mushroom tells me my princess is in another castle.

#72: when we started talking, i started crying. this is the happiest ive ever been***

* Was true until we broke up
** We made up that night, and I erased them
*** Of course I wish I had never written that one

Cross my heart and hope to die.

"People who leave their dreams to their imaginations are wasting a good talent."
I am Ryan Thomas Dilks, and I'm still single.
FML.
Apparently, though, I'm gorgeous.
(Don't lie to me anymore, trick)
And apparently, I'm a really good guy.
(You either.)
And also, I'm the best you've ever had.
(Possibly the truth)

See, I think the reason I'm single is: I'm too god damn picky.
Or maybe I give in too easily?
I still love shelby.
A lot.
And I'd ask her back out.
But peer pressure is holding me back.
my friends don't like her...

Whatever, though.
Maybe J! will date me.
Or maybe MysteryGirl will.
Or maybe I'll become rich and famous, and Demi Lovato will.
There's always that.

I am a bad person, sometimes.

Ryan Thomas Dilks; Expert in human relations.

When Daniel asked me today whether I've ever contemplated suicide, I decided it was time to tell him my life story.
It wasn't until J! joined us, that I realized I had a complete audience.

Sometime around, "And then my friend killed herself. I tried to commit suicide 12 times that night." J! stopped me and hugged me, and told me I'm an awesome person.

It was sometime around, "And I stalked her. Hard." That I realized there were tears in my eyes. And Daniels.

Sometimes I write songs in the shower.

Sometimes I forget what my place is in this world,
so, filled with regret, I stick myself in girls.
I wish I could tell you that I think you're what I need
But I can't, so I shake my head, and I bleed.

Chorus:
I only hope that forever isn't so long as it seems
Because to me, forever isn't all it's cracked up to be.
I think I can have you, so please let me know I can't
I want you right now, girl, in my hands in my hands.

This is not what I want to do with my life
But I don't have another choice, until tonight,
When I see you undressing through your window.
I'm watching you, but I'll never let you know.
Woah!

Chorus.

Theres only one place left to go
if you don't want to feel alone.
It's somewhere hidden, in relief and regret
I could tell you where to find it, but It's so easy to forget.
Just take your knife and place it against the wall
Cut a hole, watch the foundation fall.
When it's big enough for you to step in.
When it's the right size, step inside step inside

Chorus.

If I burn out and slip away.

Love (luv): (n) 1.An excuse for being fat/lazy
2. A phenomenon in which two people are connected both sexually and emotionally.
3. Something made up to have a reason to write music
4. the second sweetest drug.
(See: music)

I am Ryan Thomas Dilks, and this is forever.
I refuse to conform, yet conformity is what I do best.

How to get the girl in 3 [or more] steps

I told her, "Hello. My name is Ryan Thomas Dilks, and I'm a writer."
"Oh," she responds "My name is J." I smile at her, and sigh softly. "It's hot outside, darling."
She thinks it's cute that I call her darling.

I am still single.

How's that for a happy ending?

It's actually not much of an ending at all, is it?
Hm.
Strange.

Oh well...
I am Ryan Thomas Dilks and I don't know what I want to do tomorrow.
But we're marching afterschool on friday.
you should come watch me with a sign that says "HI RYAN I LOVE YOU"
Or not.
It's up to you.

Sometimes I think that the bitter in you, and the quitter in me is bigger than the both of us

Sometimes i wish you would leave me.
I'm not sick of you yet, is that as good as it gets?


I take it hard, it's hard to take.
I'm wide awake.
one more confession, discretion's not what i need to sell, i never needed a reason for keeping secrets from myself and now that's just how i tell i'm wide-awake i'll wreck this if i have to, tell me what good would that do, i'll wreck this if i have to.


By weekday, I am RyanThomasD!lks, 15 year old band-geek dumbass whore.
By weeknight, I am RyanThomasD!lks, 15 year old poet, professional liar.
On the weekends I am alone.
I suddenly have no life.
No friends.
Nothing to do.
Just me, the computer, and music.
And my phone.
But zero life whatsoever.
Fuck.

I always feel like there's some all-day party I wasn't invited to.
Hm.

she didn't know me

Are you single?"

"yes."

"Good, that means you're interested"

"What makes you think i'm not just honest?"

"Well, I hope you're honest, too. But you don't know me at ALL so the natural instinct would've been to lie. But since you must be interested, you told the truth and said you were single"

"What are the odds that I really am interested, and not simply honest?"

"95%"

"Maybe I fall into the other 5?"

"96%, you're still talking to me."

"haha, you're right, I am interested."

"Knew it."

"You sound like you get alot of practice, you aren't a womanizer right?"

"Not a womanizer.
MY name is Ryan Dilks and I'm just good at what I do, so I do what I'm good at"

"And you're good at getting girls?"

"No, i'm good at talking."

"And being interesting"

"Very."

"So you do this alot?"

"Not with girls"

"So you're gay?"

"Straight."

"Haha, well..."

"73% chance you're still interested"

"I fall into that 73%"

"Good, do you want to go out some time?"

"Too fast. I fall into the other 27%, bye."

FML.

Now don't pretty please me.

It was this afternoon, when you said "I saw them in concert" that I wished i had asked if you wanted to again.
ha.

I'm pathetic.
I can/t even talk to my peers past a couple words.
you're a cutie though, {censored}

I am forever

My name is of no importance, during the course of this post.

My masterpiece is falling apart.
I think I'm destined for someone I don't know.

My name is RyanThomasDilks

And today you kicked me in the face.
I dared you to.
We talked.
You laughed.
I laughed.
I called you pretty.
You didn't hear.
I'm sorry...

You're gorgeous, J[censored]
Don't tell anyone I told you.
I think I like you.
Call me.

this is not the man I hoped to be.

You see.
Growing up i did not want to be RyanThomasD!lks, blogger, writer, poet.
15.455 year old whore.

I wanted to be RyanThomasD!lks, pro baseball player.
15.455year old king.
Astronaut/cowboy/millionaire.
I wanted to cure cancer.
I wanted to fuck the girl who is now my best friend.
I wanted to be RyanThomasD!lks, the boy with a "Monday"

My aspirations have changed.

My life goals:
Find my Laughin' Place.
Get to my room at the HollyWood Tower Hotel.
Lose my virginity.
Have stories to tell, that are as funny as my dads.
Be as sad as the boy I write about in my blogs.

Goodnight, my sweet world of sadness and sorrow.
I set you to sleep once again.
I love you all, whether you love me back or not.

Songs about my childhood:

Singular.
I reminds me of my childhood.
At my Aunt Faiths house with my cousin.
When shit was easier, and we both had a place in the world.
Before things got complicated.
I miss you, Childhood.

I have a confession

I am scared that if I do not find and accept God, my life will continue being like this.
I will be forever stuck in this HighSchool hellhole, of which I am the definition.
I am afraid that if I do not realize that she IS God, I will never be allowed inside of her [head]

I do not want to be like this forever. Sad, scared, dainty, frail, pale, ugly, and a loser. But I fear that I may be.

forever

An excuse. Forever is about to happen in just a few minutes. I am forever. And Goddammit I wish I was something else. I wish I was never. I wish I was you. I wish I was me. I wish I was foreverHAPPY. But instead I am Ryan Thomas Dilks: Loser.

Ryan Thomas Dilks: Child
Ryan Thomas Dilks: Nobody.


I DO NOT EXIST: I am not me. I am not you. I am nothing. I am Time and God. I am Fate and Luck. I am Skill and Power. I am Love and Hate. I am Emotion. I am Guilt. I am the reason you look the way you do. I am Rest. I am Knowledge.
I am a sad child, stuck in this body.
Eternally damned to get struck down everytime he is fully happy.
I am 1000 failed relationships.
I do not know how to be successful. I do not know how to be proud. I am a sad, scary, young man. I wish I knew you, and I wish I could tell you I love you.
I wish I had made an attempt at being more than friends when I still had the chance.
Because I don't like you anymore, but I finally see that you ARE the perfect girl.
You are my best friend and I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
And for some reason, you love me back.
Even though you know things about me.
Even though you know I am a stalker.
even though you know I am a liar.

I care for you more than myself.
It is a sad truth.
But Darling, it's the full truth.

But you are NOT the only one I love beyond reason.
I Love all of 2-3.
With all my heart.
My brothers.

I love my sisters and brothers.
I love my mother, and my father.
I love my curse words and violence.

I love living my life as if it is a movie.
Because it is.
I am a child.
I am not, however, childish.
I am a boy.
I am not, however, masculine.
I am a liar.
I am not, however, a deceiver.
I am a fool.
I am not, however, foolish.
I am a lover.
I am not, however, in love.

Because I lack the intelligence to love.
I believe that love is an emotion, too often spoken, and scarcely shown.
To love is not to say it.
To love is not to make it.
To love is not to hold hands and share a long conversation.

To love is to hand your heart to the people you care most about, and let them inside of it.
To love is to sing your spidersong for your best friend, and sister, even though they might be the same person.
To love is to hold that persons hand and help them through the saddest and darkest times of their lives.

So yes.
I did love you.
And yes.
I do love you.
But no.
I will not stop loving you.

Because this is not what I do (9Crimes)
All my faces are alibis (Alibis)
And I am the spider (SpiderSong)
But i am not fine, i am in pain (Better that we break)
But you are helping me through, because you know, my darling, that is what you do. (You)

I wont say anything at all.

A fellow blogger, Rapha, had this idea to post our desktop backgrounds:


The PORN folder is empty.
It's just there for fun.

Theres a little bit of you in all this.

!

"I know how to get a girl. If she does not know me, and I want her, I use my powers of fucked up persuasion to get her."
"How do you do it?"
"Step one. Get into her head."
"Mmhm."
"Step two. Get into her hands"
"yeah?"
"Step four. Get into her pants."
"And step three?"
"All details."

I am a Child

!

I like you.
I like her.
I like her too.
She is your friend.
She is in color guard.
You're still the best.
I like you.
and I L!ke you a lot.
I shall see you tomorrow.
Goodn!ght.

BOOMBAM@

I am tired.
I am Going to stop using contractions in my writing.
It makes things look very messy.
All those commas.
So there you have it.
I am tired.
I am listening to Cage The Elephant.
I am a boy.

I am a Freak [ReWrite.]

Dear Beautiful girls who keep on inserting yourselves into my life:
I hate you all.
My name is ryan thomas dilks and this is advice:

Stop being a coward and go

okay?
No matter what you're holding yourself back from doing:
Stop being a coward and go.
Because "I tried" is just a grown-up way of saying "I gave up"
So next time you say you tried.
Remember what you're really saying.
You're saying you tried once [twice. thrice.] and gave up, deeming it impossible.
But:
Impossible is nothing.
impossible is a grown-up word for: Too Hard to Try.
But if you never try, you'll never succeed.
And if you never succeed, you'll always fail.
And failure is unacceptable, if you never try.

Giving up is to fail without trying.
to fail without trying is to be a coward.
To be a coward is to deem something impossible.
To deem something impossible is to give up.
My name is Ryan Thomas Dilks.
And this is advice.

I am a whore.

Not even fifteen minutes later
I'm still walking down the street,
When I saw a shadow of a man creep out of sight.
Then he walks up from behind
And puts a gun up to my head,
He made it clear he wasn't looking for a fight.
He said "Give me all you've got
I want your money not your life,
But if you try to make a move I won't think twice."
I said "You can have my cash
But first you know I got to ask
What made you want to live this kind of life?"

He said "There ain't no rest for the wicked,
Money don't grow on trees.
I got bills to pay,
I got mouths to feed,
There ain't nothing in this world for free.
I know I can't slow down,
I can't hold back,
Though you know, I wish I could.
No there ain't no rest for the wicked,
Until we close our eyes for good".





Cage The Elephant: Aint no rest for the wicked.
I like that song.

I am a stalker.

I am a creep.
I am a loser.
I am insane.
I am a lunatic.
I am a child.
I am a stalker.
I am a creep.

i did it for you, love.
i did it for you.
they think that they know us
we know it aint true.
you're leaving me, now, so this is goodbye.
you've left me to rot, how i hope that you die.

BOOM BAM@

It had to happen someday, and I'm glad it happened now.
The words that I was holding back finally came out of my mouth.
I hope that when you hear this you agree that i'm the one
the only boy that ever treated you like you were worth the time.
Even though, as it turns out you really weren't you simply lied
tried time and time again to keep me from getting inside
That pretty little head of yours that you tried to lock down
but i got in with my dick of key. And now i'm letting you drown.

I hope that you don't hear this until it's too late.
I hope that you don't care if any other girls say they can relate.
I hope that you still think of me when you're touching yourself.
Because I know that you're the only one, that I'm not touching too.

i slept with you twice.

And I told EVERYONE about it.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.


Anyways.
Freshman has a myspace.
I have it.
Let the fun begin.

What if it was fake?

He sticks the needle in at three,
injects himself with poetry.
Sends metaphors running through his veins,
hope they stay long enough to ease his pain.
Fills his pulse with lies, and rhymes, and songs
the words to help him lead her on.
And now he's so full of lovely lines,
that he no longer sees the signs.
He's coming towards his finals days,
and he squeaks this out, on his bed, he lays.
He says, "I'm leaving, child, i'll soon be gone."
and he departs, with one final song.
The song is short, the song is sweet.
it goes "I part for now, but again, we'll meet"
So Goodbye, my poet, my genius, my guide.
I'll forever wait, until I too, may die.
Because one day i'll be with you again,
but until that day, this is the end.
So I too will take my needle, here
and stick it in, my words endeared.
So I too have poems in my blood,
Goodbye my poet, for I am done.

It's not fine, not okay.

I never knew perfection til
I heard you speak, and now it kills me
Just to hear you say the simple things
Now waking up is hard to do
And sleeping is impossible too
Everything is reminding me of you
What can I do?


god damnnnn
haha

NOTE TO SELF:
"I wish she would wear shorts every day" is not an appropriate thing to say when you're referring to someone who's 5 yards away.

I never knew perfection till I heard you speak.

I just need a little of your to say the words that I never said.

<3

Freshman has a boyfriend.
Fuck it, it's highschool, rightup?



ps. remember that whole "Romantic-comedy" joke a couple weeks back?
I was serious.

I have no name.(idon'texist)

OH.
MY.
GOD.
SHE LIKES ME BACK.

Her name is [undisclosed]
She's a Freshman in band and plays the [undisclosed]
I'm so excited.
I have two classes with herrrr.
band(obv.) and [undisclosed]

We will refer to her in here as Freshman.

she's REALLLY pretty

The end of summer.

It was a cold day of summer, and the freshmen were sitting inside of the auditorium waiting for orientation to start.
A young man walked slowly to the stage, and a light fell on him.
"Good Morning, freshmen" He announced, "My name is Ryan Thomas Dilks, and this school is horrible. But you guys aren't listening to me talk about the school, I'm here to talk about what summer is like once you get to highschool..."

My name is Ryan Thomas Dilks, and my summer was filled with love, hatred, violent threats, lies, and most recently, Fun.

Summer started like any other, hurrying out of school, to run home and start it. Getting home was the fun part, The Girl Across The Way wanted to hang out. And I like The Girl Across The Way. So we hung out. Talked, mostly. Got to know eachother... I thought I was in love...
CRASH.
BURN.
(i have no name, i don't exist)
Still, a pretty average summer.
And then I remembered HER.
We "dated" for two months, and in those two months:
I kissed her (Sorta)
I loved her
I got in a fight with TX#2
and with TX#1
CRASH.
BURN.
She's over me, she says.
We can still be friends, she says.*
So to heal my pain (And to celebrate my fathers birthday) I go to disneyland.
While I'm at disneyland, I like to take full advantage of the fact that there are girls there, right?
So i'm sitting there, enjoying my meal.
I stand up and I'm carrying my soda, you following me so far?
Now, imagine this as if you were watching it in a movie:
I throw my trash away and go to take a drink of my "Large Orange Fanta" I glance at hot girl#4852 and she smiles at me.
I move my soda back down, swallow, and start to walk away...

My knee hits the cup, and my "Large Orange Fanta" spills all over the floor.
Hot Girl#4852 is laughing at me.
FML

So we get on indiana jones.
It's night.
The ride breaks down and stops in the DARKEST FUCKING PART OF THE RIDE.
Quick list of my fears, in order:
The dark
Dying alone
The future
Clowns
so when I'm stuck on the pitch black part of the ride, its no surprise that I go into a panic.
That's NOT the worst part.
Guess who's sitting near me, while i have this freakout.

hot girl#4852

FML.

I love summer.
My name is Ryan Thomas Dilks, and I'm about to eat a breakfast burrito.

*She lied.

I've been to heaven and i've been to hell.

I found no sanctity in either of them.
I'll live my eternity in purgatory.
That's where I'm stuck right now anyway.

My name is Ryan Thomas Dilks

And this is my Spidersong.

I have no name, I don't exist.
I keep telling myself that.
So that I don't go insane.

My name is Ryan Thomas Dilks, i just kinda wish it wasn't.
I'm sorry to everyone I've ever hurt.
Everyone I've ever betrayed.
Everyone I've ever lied to.
I'm sorry I'm me.
But it's much better than the ladder.
It's much better than:
Mr. Smooth talk
Mr. Sly smile
Mr. Hello, Piggie
Mr. User
Mr. Abuser
Mr. Jeremiah [Jeremy] Sebastian.
Age 16.
Ontario California.

I AM NOBODY.
I HAVE NO NAME.
I DON'T EXIST.

My name is Ryan Thomas Dilks.
And THIS is my spidersong.

Ahahaha, You again, right?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAH
FUCK YOU GUYS, I FIGURED YOU OUT, ROCKAAAAA

OHMYGOD, THAT IS JUST LIKE ME, EH?
they didn't say "Eh" enough though, but Daddies and Child was spot on.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't remember the person who texted me, saying their name was Heather.
I know who you are, Child.
You don't win.

To the music, in your head.

Lay in bed, on rainy days, and I'll hold you like a child, and kiss your head.
But all these states are in my way, so I won't be there tonight.
But soon the day will come when I wake up in a bed next to you.

That song.
Gives me.
The biggest.
Chills.
Ever.

Day 34: the word you're weilding like a knife

I'm taking this easier, than I took Destiny, for some reason.
It's surreal, but I'm happy it happened this way, instead of because of a fight or something.
I'll always be your friend, I'll always love you.

Everyone who's been here for me, the last 2 months, thank you.
You've gotten to see me, in the happiest moments of my life, and I only have one person to blame for that.

I think I'm still going to heaven.
You've still saved my life.
You've made me feel... like a prince...

i-i hate you...
Goodbye, young tutor, you've now outgrown me.

If I Didn't Exist.

If I didn't exist, there would be less hunger in this house.
there would be room for Danny.
there would be no blog
my mom would be 15 dollars richer
Danny would be 20 dollars richer.
Vladimir would have one less friend.
Texas would be happier.
my family would be richer.
There would be less poetry and music.
That trombone wouldn't be there

and shit would be different

but, I do exist.
That trombone remains,
My poems are written
we're still poor
Texas is sad
Vlad is stuck with me
Danny doesn't have 20 extra dollars
my mom doesn't have 15
There IS a blog
and Danny has nowhere to sleep.

Life is good... ish

Tonight, Tonight I send out apologies.

Last night I had in my head, a vision of a new blog.

I can't remember what it was.
Fuck it.

Highschool's gonna be starting soon.
Let me tell you something:

When you watched those movies about highschool, and actually GOT there, you were disappointed at how inaccurate they are, right?
If you had gone to Ontario, trust, you would NOT have been disappointed.

that is all.

it had very little to do with meaning it

Schools going to start again soon.
I'm excited.
I feed off of teenage drama.
But I'm NOT excited to stop this rumor from spreading.
The one that's already spreading.

No thank you.

time is falling, fast.
But for some reason, not fast enough.
I miss the classrooms, even.
I know that sounds weird.
But I'm not a nerd, I just miss school.
The security of being nestled in an 8 hour block of violence and curse words.
It gives me a certain thrill.

I love it.

Not only that.
How about lunch with the boys?
Talking shit about various people.
How about kicking some ass?
I miss everything, there are certain things about being in highschool that i love.

Like the fact that every day for me seems to be another scene in some shitty Romantic-Comedy that takes place at Ontario HighSchool, where I'm the main character some days, and a utility character the next.
But for some reason, no matter the scene, the movie runs on MY soundtrack.
I love it.

God, having people cheat off my test papers, shooting dirty looks at people.
The Freshman Protection Program.
My apprentice.
Everything is so... fun and dramatic.
I think that makes me weird.
ha!

But once again, we go back to the ONE peice of drama I don't want spreading.
Ever.
And that's YOU, aurora.
We don't want your name circulating.
So I'll do my best to keep it from happening, okay?
I pinky promise.
<3

I miss you, Ontario High.

(even if i miss YOU more.)

The dangers of saying "I love You."

My name is Ryan Thomas Dilks.
I'm 15.583 years old, exactly.
Up until the morning of June 14th 2009 at 1:05 am, I was probably going to hell.
It was that minute.
The minute she told me we could try, and she called me babe.
The moment I read that, my life was saved.

I never thought I would amount to anything, and then, the girl who had hated me three years earlier, showed me otherwise.

And now she, YOU, have saved me forever.
I'm probably going to heaven, now.
God, I hope so...
I'd kill for an eternity with you.
I love you.
---

My name is Ryan Thomas Dilks.
I'm 15.583 years old.
I play God.

I lack the mental capacity to hate, and the intelligence to love.

I'm 99.999% certain that you're too good for me.
But only time will tell.

You're perfect, love.
I hate you.
---

My name is Ryan Thomas Dilks.
I'm 15.583 years old.
I lack a material soul.