“I think I love you” The words hold on to the smoke in my breath as they climb out. The cigarette smoke slowly fades, while the words remain suspended in the air like some slurred reminder of the mistakes I’m making. (I have my hands behind my back, this shows insecurity, I do not want her to think i’m insecure while I’m telling her I love her; I’m avoiding eye contact, which tells her that I’m nervous; and I used the word think, which might make HER think that I say this to everyone, while I, in fact, dont.) She picks up on none of these except for the word love. I am mostly thankful. “I’m sorry, Ryan. I don’t think I can ever love you, again.” My heart gains fifty or sixty pounds over the course of three seconds. I think It’s somewhere in my lower abdomen. “W-why not?” it kills me to even ask this, because I know that secretly, I don’t want to know. I inhale slowly, trying to pull the words back into my mouth. “Because we’re too close now. I can never fall in love with you. You’re a really good friend, you found me an amazing boyfriend…” I wish she had told me it was because of the fact that I’m an angry, pathetic person. But instead she told me it was because she cared too much.
Good lord, kill me now.
No comments:
Post a Comment