I have a confession

I am scared that if I do not find and accept God, my life will continue being like this.
I will be forever stuck in this HighSchool hellhole, of which I am the definition.
I am afraid that if I do not realize that she IS God, I will never be allowed inside of her [head]

I do not want to be like this forever. Sad, scared, dainty, frail, pale, ugly, and a loser. But I fear that I may be.

forever

An excuse. Forever is about to happen in just a few minutes. I am forever. And Goddammit I wish I was something else. I wish I was never. I wish I was you. I wish I was me. I wish I was foreverHAPPY. But instead I am Ryan Thomas Dilks: Loser.

Ryan Thomas Dilks: Child
Ryan Thomas Dilks: Nobody.


I DO NOT EXIST: I am not me. I am not you. I am nothing. I am Time and God. I am Fate and Luck. I am Skill and Power. I am Love and Hate. I am Emotion. I am Guilt. I am the reason you look the way you do. I am Rest. I am Knowledge.
I am a sad child, stuck in this body.
Eternally damned to get struck down everytime he is fully happy.
I am 1000 failed relationships.
I do not know how to be successful. I do not know how to be proud. I am a sad, scary, young man. I wish I knew you, and I wish I could tell you I love you.
I wish I had made an attempt at being more than friends when I still had the chance.
Because I don't like you anymore, but I finally see that you ARE the perfect girl.
You are my best friend and I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
And for some reason, you love me back.
Even though you know things about me.
Even though you know I am a stalker.
even though you know I am a liar.

I care for you more than myself.
It is a sad truth.
But Darling, it's the full truth.

But you are NOT the only one I love beyond reason.
I Love all of 2-3.
With all my heart.
My brothers.

I love my sisters and brothers.
I love my mother, and my father.
I love my curse words and violence.

I love living my life as if it is a movie.
Because it is.
I am a child.
I am not, however, childish.
I am a boy.
I am not, however, masculine.
I am a liar.
I am not, however, a deceiver.
I am a fool.
I am not, however, foolish.
I am a lover.
I am not, however, in love.

Because I lack the intelligence to love.
I believe that love is an emotion, too often spoken, and scarcely shown.
To love is not to say it.
To love is not to make it.
To love is not to hold hands and share a long conversation.

To love is to hand your heart to the people you care most about, and let them inside of it.
To love is to sing your spidersong for your best friend, and sister, even though they might be the same person.
To love is to hold that persons hand and help them through the saddest and darkest times of their lives.

So yes.
I did love you.
And yes.
I do love you.
But no.
I will not stop loving you.

Because this is not what I do (9Crimes)
All my faces are alibis (Alibis)
And I am the spider (SpiderSong)
But i am not fine, i am in pain (Better that we break)
But you are helping me through, because you know, my darling, that is what you do. (You)