Day 29: The /real/ me

I'm pissed because I can't fucking say what's on my mind to ANYONE because everyone is constantly being lied to by me so they're gonna judge when I tell them EXACTLY what I fucking think and I'd tell Riley, since I've never lied to her but i'm afraid of losing her because I'm just going to complain about the fact that she's going to break my heart so that she can get famous and is ALWAYS going to assume that I'll be here which pisses me off the most because I /will/ always be here, because not only am I too weak to leave, I'm too bipolar to realize what a bitch she still is and it breaks my fucking heart. I'm ready to fucking DIE. because at least if I die I'll be happy. And it's sad, because she see's /something/ in me, (god knows what) even though she has a beautiful voice, can act, is gorgeous, and can pretty much have whatever she wants, but I'm Ugly, Stupid and Insane So she'll always amount to more than me, and I can only sit around all day, wallowing in my own pool of lies hoping for the 2 hour long phone call filled with "I love yous" and moaning that will allow me to dry off for a second, before I'm dropped back into my sadness and self loathing because no matter how happy I make her, or how much I seduce her, she's still not ready to date me. and it KILLS me inside, because while she's getting her pussy eaten by me, and singing on stage, I'll be stuck with the fact that I'm always just gonna be some fucker who's accused of dating her so that I /can/ be eating the pussy of a fucking celebrity, when in reality, i've done things that /should/ have made me famous, by now. But being a 15 year old, drug addicted, poor, white boy doesn't always appeal to everyone so I tell people and myself that I'm going to go kill myself, even though we /all/ know it's not true, because I'm not even strong enough to bring the blade that close to my skin. so instead i lie to people, telling them everything's fine, when in reality, it's just the opposite, and I wish that for once in like, things would go according to plan, and I'd be fucking happy for once. And what I think is making me happy is really serving no other purpose than to kill me inside and tear out my heart because I know that once everything is all over, and I'm still just as miserable, I have noone to turn to, because everyone was lied to. So pretty much: No body knows what really goes on in my life except for me and Riley, and we both want it to turn around right away, and she loves me, and I love her. It's obvious, seeing as she's the only girlfriend I haven't ever lied to. But at the end of the day, I'll still belong to her, but for right now, she doesn't belong to me, not officially, because she's stuck on this idea that she's not talented enough to get famous without flirting with people who can get her to the top, and she ALSO doesn't realize that if we were dating, I'd let her do /anything/ to get famous. Literally, anything. and so, once again, I'm sitting here, rambling and tearing apart my insides, because I'm still the same sad boy that I was when I woke up. and soon I'll go into the bathroom and jack off to the pictures of Riley that are saved on my phone. But I still wont be happy, because tomorrow when I see her, we're going to be held back from anything past holding hands because her friends are fucking RETARDED.

Ps: I love you too, Austin.
I love you too, everyone.
thank you for being here.

pps: I want you all to do me a favor and read http://tothexity.blogspot.com/