If I Didn't Exist.

If I didn't exist, there would be less hunger in this house.
there would be room for Danny.
there would be no blog
my mom would be 15 dollars richer
Danny would be 20 dollars richer.
Vladimir would have one less friend.
Texas would be happier.
my family would be richer.
There would be less poetry and music.
That trombone wouldn't be there

and shit would be different

but, I do exist.
That trombone remains,
My poems are written
we're still poor
Texas is sad
Vlad is stuck with me
Danny doesn't have 20 extra dollars
my mom doesn't have 15
There IS a blog
and Danny has nowhere to sleep.

Life is good... ish

Tonight, Tonight I send out apologies.

Last night I had in my head, a vision of a new blog.

I can't remember what it was.
Fuck it.

Highschool's gonna be starting soon.
Let me tell you something:

When you watched those movies about highschool, and actually GOT there, you were disappointed at how inaccurate they are, right?
If you had gone to Ontario, trust, you would NOT have been disappointed.

that is all.

it had very little to do with meaning it

Schools going to start again soon.
I'm excited.
I feed off of teenage drama.
But I'm NOT excited to stop this rumor from spreading.
The one that's already spreading.

No thank you.

time is falling, fast.
But for some reason, not fast enough.
I miss the classrooms, even.
I know that sounds weird.
But I'm not a nerd, I just miss school.
The security of being nestled in an 8 hour block of violence and curse words.
It gives me a certain thrill.

I love it.

Not only that.
How about lunch with the boys?
Talking shit about various people.
How about kicking some ass?
I miss everything, there are certain things about being in highschool that i love.

Like the fact that every day for me seems to be another scene in some shitty Romantic-Comedy that takes place at Ontario HighSchool, where I'm the main character some days, and a utility character the next.
But for some reason, no matter the scene, the movie runs on MY soundtrack.
I love it.

God, having people cheat off my test papers, shooting dirty looks at people.
The Freshman Protection Program.
My apprentice.
Everything is so... fun and dramatic.
I think that makes me weird.
ha!

But once again, we go back to the ONE peice of drama I don't want spreading.
Ever.
And that's YOU, aurora.
We don't want your name circulating.
So I'll do my best to keep it from happening, okay?
I pinky promise.
<3

I miss you, Ontario High.

(even if i miss YOU more.)

The dangers of saying "I love You."

My name is Ryan Thomas Dilks.
I'm 15.583 years old, exactly.
Up until the morning of June 14th 2009 at 1:05 am, I was probably going to hell.
It was that minute.
The minute she told me we could try, and she called me babe.
The moment I read that, my life was saved.

I never thought I would amount to anything, and then, the girl who had hated me three years earlier, showed me otherwise.

And now she, YOU, have saved me forever.
I'm probably going to heaven, now.
God, I hope so...
I'd kill for an eternity with you.
I love you.
---

My name is Ryan Thomas Dilks.
I'm 15.583 years old.
I play God.

I lack the mental capacity to hate, and the intelligence to love.

I'm 99.999% certain that you're too good for me.
But only time will tell.

You're perfect, love.
I hate you.
---

My name is Ryan Thomas Dilks.
I'm 15.583 years old.
I lack a material soul.

How I feel about the letter Y

Today we had company over, and someone was arguing whether "Y" should be tought as a vowel or consonant.
Here's MY argument.
Stop teaching kids that the alphabet has 26 letters, and start saying it has 25 and one shape that's full of itself. REALLY. The letter Y thinks it's SUCH a big deal that it can be two things at once? Even after we were nice to it and called it a LETTER? Which is already the most exclusive club in the world? only 26 members, and we're like, "Hey, be a vowel" And he's like "Okay" But meanwhile he's two-timing it with those fucking consonants? No. Sorry, Y-dog. Shit don't fly with me. You're being demoted to shape. Just like the fucking triangle.
Yeah, that fucker used to be a letter too.
Remember DELTA?
But then triangle was like, 'I wanna have Nine types of me' and the letters were like "DEMOTED"
FUCK YOU Triangle.
You can't even support anything. you're a lazy ass shape, made of shoddy craftsmanship.
You're not even a FUN shape.
At least what the circle lacks in brawn it makes up for in fun-ness.
THAT, triangle, is why it's a letter, a shape, AND a number.
So in conclusion, the letter Y needs to become a fucking SHAPE.
FUCK YOU, LETTER Y.
DEMOTED!

Day 33:

Have you ever wanted to look someone in the eyes and scream "It's not your life, stay the fuck out of it." or something along those lines?
How about three of four somebodies?
Can't people just learn to be happy for their friends?
It doesn't MATTER if they found someone you hate to make them happy.
Can't you at least be glad that the someone made them happy?
i have a friend, Juan, who's dating a girl who I find to be a complete and utter bitch.
Does that mean I'm gonna take every opportunity to try and ruin his happiness?
NO!
I'm glad she can make him happy.
And if he ever needed to go out with her, but couldn't because he didn't have something necessary (Money, Tickets, company) and I could provide it, I would.
Why?
Because it doesn't matter to me that she's a bitch.
HE is my friend and I love him.

By the way, this blog isn't just for her side.
My side is being stupid, too.

I don't get it, though.
There USED to be a time where friends supported their friends happiness...
I'm not sure where that all went, but I damn well miss it.
All I'm saying is, If any of you/you were in this situation, I'm 99.9% sure that I/she would support your happiness.
Fuck, I might not agree that the person is as amazing as you claim.
But they're making you happy.

And as a friend, that's all that /should/ matter.

I guess not though.
Because You/you still hate me/her.
Which is fine, except that you/you still try to ruin what we have.
Both sides.
I can't believe it.
Personally her side I like you guys.
You guys are cool, and fun to be around.
I know I made one mistake, but she forgave me for it, and is now just as happy with me.
Why can't you be?
It's confusing.
I thought you were her friends?
My side: I'm tired of hearing it. How /bad/ she is for me. YOU FUCKERS DON'T KNOW HER.
Get over it.
I'm sorry, but can't you just be happy for me?
For once?
Fuck, maybe I'll find new friends.
maybe.
Probably not, you guys are the best ones i've ever had.

I'm sorry that I had to post this for ANYONE to see.
But I hope when you DO see it, you don't just bitch and complain about how annoying it is, and really take it in.
Please?
For me/her?

Smiling in my sleep

It's not fair, when I feel hungry, and theres nothing to eat but baby food.

FML.

They already KNOW how skinny I am, and how unhealthy it is.

just fkking feed me, yes?

I'm going home, tonight. I at least have /food/ there.

GOD!

ps. Why did you ask me who's house was closer? Why did it matter?

pps. school starts soon D:!

wootwoot

Every Hello, ends with a Goodbye

I'm giving up, so just catch me.


Dear /you/
Yesterday was FUCKING amazing, that is all.

TheTruth

I love you, you know that?

WHAT A FUCKING DAY, YESTERDAY!
I went on a date with my sister, haha.
We went swimming, to IHOP, target and the mall!

No lie, we could have fun in a ditch, aha.

And then I ate food!
Yay for me!
OH, I also got the phone call I dreamed of, and apparently Demi is a huge sweetheart.

-sigh-
Not really epic OR long.
But I like fooling people.

<3

Tell me I'm a bad man.

I wish you would call me right now.
Just to remind me that you /will/ call me later.
I'd kill someone to get that text/phone call right now.
I'm sorry for what I did, and I understand completely why you're mad at me.
But stay my friend, at the very least.
I'm a terrible person, I'm aware...
I'm sorry I smothered you,
I'm sorry I never learned,
I'm sorry all your friends hate me,
But I'll back off, I learned this time, and my friends hate you too (it's not stopping me)
I trust you, and until wednesday night, you trusted me.
I hope I can sustain most of that trust.
I'd never lie to you, Aurora.
Never ever.
I tell you the truth more than I tell myself the truth.
I hope you have fun tonight, you deserve it, but don't just drop what we had.
Not yet...
Not this time...
I'm crying for you, on the inside.
I'm just trying to look strong on the outside.

I /did/ quit.
I promise, tell your father I promise.
I /am/ straightedge.
I quit. I quit.
I don't want to fuck my life up all over again.

I love you, text me, call me, DM me...
Something, as soon as Demi is over...
I'm yours, forever and always.
I'm sorry, again.

I was looking through my notebook today and I saw something that said:
"Dear future Ryan, do you remember RDoll?"

Right underneath that it reads:
"Yes. Dear future Ryan, don't fuck up again."



Goodbye, Goodnight...
Ryan(baby?) Thomas Dilks.

I have 44 secrets written down in a folder on my computer

Nobody will see all 44.

Here are 3:

#2: I'm afraid I might be anorexic
elaborate: I don't get to eat, because I'm poor. And when I do eat, it's in small amounts (comparatively.)


#11: I sleep with my TV on because I'm afraid of the dark.
elaborate: I've always been afraid of the dark. I'm not sure why... Irrational fear.


#20: I hate looking in the mirror every morning.
elaborate: It's sad. I see this poor, pale, depressed boy staring back at me, and I pity him. I hope one day he can bee as happy as me.

I prayed last night.

I don't ever pray.
I didn't pray for what you think.

I prayed that my Nephew and Brother in law stay safe.
I prayed that Aurora can be happy.
I prayed that my family can make it, despite being poor.

I don't know who heard.

Day 32: I only have three talents

None of them are easily showcased in a talent show.

Number One:
I have this AWESOME talent for ruining everything in four words or less.
This time I did it with "I need advice"
Of FUCKING course, right?
I made a personal vow to myself: I live my OWN life.
Kathy, x!, Christine, Cousin.
You all get to hear about it, still.
(more censored than EVER)
But I'm no longer asking for help/ advice.

Number Two:
I can paint amazing pictures with words.
"The only reason I still believe in God is because I like having someone to blame"
at every turn.
Every chance I get, I'm poetic.
Why?
Because i'm cursed.
Fuck it, it makes me special.
Even though sometimes it comes to ruin me*
at other times, it helps me succeed**
Either way, there's no denying this talent.

Number Three:
I can take the blame like a pro.
Everything is my fault, if you need it to be.
The problem is, when it really IS my fault, I turn to God.
So I guess I'm not /that/ good at it.
Fuck it, I'm good enough.

So there you have it: The thing I'm best at, The thing I hate the most, and the thing I'm most proud of***

I love you, kiddies.
I'll give you an (almost) instant update, tomorrow.
this may be the most life-changing night ever.

Goodnight room, goodnight moon,
RyanThomasDilks

*See: "The REAL Me"
**See: "And there it is"
***Not necessarily in order.

and they eat my insides.

I need to tell chloe i'm sorry.
I need her to know I am.
I can't do this.
my insides burn.
my arm is shaking.
my head hurts.

CHLOE: if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I am. I know you hate me, rightfully so. But I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Don't give up on Justin, don't give up on yourself.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

:/
thepainisn'tgone.

The noises in my ear keep me awake

I got home from Vegas yesterday.

I was threatened to have charges filed against me, by Chloes parents.
(Yeah, I said her name, God forbid)

I wrote a song, I met cool people, and i caught up with someone from elementary.
I had fun.

My eyes itches.
I can't scratch it.
Tonight I'm going to see HBP at midnight
Maybe I'll see /you/ there, dollie.

OH! fan-fucking-tastic: I found out that someone might be stealing my songs and poems.
YES! I /am/ thedinosaurside
so if anyone else (Other than me, or Thedinosaurside) has my songs up without me credited OBVIOUSLY! please tell me.

<3 much love,
RyanDilks.

vegas.

i'm in las vegas.
and i wrote a song.
no mysteries as to what it's about...
it's called:
"i miss you" by highschool low.

oh my god she's beautiful,
i swear to go she shines.
i'm proud to call her babygirl
i'm blessed to call her mine.
i want her here with me right now
oh i want to touch her skin
i need her in my life somehow
because when her name escapes my lips
i'm over-taken
my body starts quakin'
i cannot believe that i'm hers
my baby, i miss you
i'm longing to kiss you
i'm out of breath, i've no words.

and heres the chorus it goes:
My pretty girl i want you to be here with me
When i think about your face, i go weak at the knees
My pretty girl i want you to be here with me
You've been gone too long, so I wrote this song wondering why I never see her.
OH! I miss you!

I love it when she calls me up just to complain
About her hair, her aunts dead stare, or even all the dirty things
And she's stuck on these tiny imperfections
But baby girl, have you even looked at your reflection?
all of the things that she tells me when we're on the phone
just remind me that i'm still hers, even when I'm alone.
baby, i see you, though we're far apart
we're two souls in one, we connect at the heart,
i just want to show you what you've done to me
you're tattooed on my mind, my love dont you see?
oh, girl, you're my only, my true, my one
the flame that share even outshines the sun
the things that I say to you really are true
how couldn't I love you, babe that's what you do

and heres the chorus, sing it:
My pretty girl i want you to be here with me
When i think about your face, i go weak at the knees
My pretty girl i want you to be here with me
You've been gone too long, so I wrote this song wondering why I never see her.
OH! I miss you!

You'll never know just how much i talk about you.
my friends are bored with hearing "Aurora and I are true"
but they don't get it, just how much you mean to me
you're the only girl who makes me write my poetry,
but i've told you time and time again, my doll
the words I write can't compare to your name at all
so baby, just hear me,
oh love and endear me
the way that I do it for you.
girl, know that i need you
i'll never leave you
oh baby, don't you know it's true:
i need you, girl, I miss you.
I love you, girl, i'll kiss you.

And heres the chorus real slow:
My pretty girl i want you to be here with me
When i think about your face, i go weak at the knees
My pretty girl i want you to be here with me
You've been gone too long, so I wrote this song wondering why I never see her.
OH! I miss you!
oh, I miss you.
Oh, i miss you.
girl, i miss you.

dedicated to the beautiful RileyDoll.
I love you.

Give my gun away when it's loaded.

I can't stop thinking that everything is falling apart...
I don't know what's causing me to feel that way...
Nothing's wrong, not much has changed...
But that's the thought that keeps going through my head.

Day 31: Eyes made of moonlight

I'm still in CA.
I'm not sure how to feel about that...

Last night I went up to Griffith observatory with my mom and some of her friends.
I might as well have been alone.
I looked out over the edge and saw the LA skyline...
And I was alone.
Everyone else had disappeared.
I could only this of how beautiful she is, compared to the city lights.
She won that contest.
I turned around to see the stars.
I was still alone...
I started to cry.

It was then that I noticed the security guard telling me that they were shutting down, and I had to leave like everyone else.

Then I realized that... I /am/ the jealous type.
But not with my girlfriend talking to other guys.

I'm jealous of friends who get to see their "Person" every day, or even every week.
-sigh-

My 90th

It's 1:03 in the morning and I can't type.
Mostly because I'm super tired.
Actually, completely because I'm super tired.

Fuck i'm tired.
haha

My stomach hurts, my throat hurts, my ears burn, my nuts itch, my house is hot, my pillows are lumpy.
I feel like my insides are cold, and I burped and it tasted like bacon.

TacoBell has this new bacon potato burrito.
Exquisite, haha

let's share one, yes, dollie?
(and yes, Dollie, i'm talking about /you/ since I'm not allowed to call anyone else dollie.)

"when it's an obscure amount I always seem to move back down
the thought of never knowing always seems to freak me out."
the butterfly room- sleepyhead

I'm pretty sure that /all/ music is about /you/ dollie.
Because you've made my mind think about you all the time.
why?

Why did you invade my mind like this, Riley?
I love it, but it's crazy.

I may or not post in the next week or so, I'm going to be in Vegas.
that's pretty much a good thing.

good god, that quote catches me every time she says it:
the thought of never knowing always seems to freak me out.

ANYWAY. I'm going to try to sleep, we'll see how that works out.
(hopefully /hella/ good)
byebye, children.
see you in a weeks

hope it stays like this forever,
Ryan Dilks

Day 30: But really the Fourth.

I decided what I'm doing today.
I'm flipping a coin to decide who to go with.
And then I'm going with whoever guilt trips me harder.

fml.

It's late, or early, or whatever.
I'm drinking Brisk raspberry ice tea.
I'm wearing my Say Anything shirt.

I'm tired, but I miss the one girl who (secretly) loves me.
It's no mystery that I love her with all my heart.
WE NEED TO PAINT WATERCOLORS.
Right now.

Idea: A colorful man, in a concrete, greyscale world
in his footsteps there are flowers and grass growing out of the pavement.

I'm so tired, I'm falling asl-
my throat hurts.
Bad.

btw, as it turns out, my wallet wasn't empty.
There was a quarter in there.

The thought of never knowing always seems to freak me out.

I hate having two parents, and not a single unit.
I mean, it's nice that they aren't in some sort of loveless trap, but holidays are the worst.
"What are you doing tomorrow, Ryan?"
Stop fucking asking me, Dad.
"Any plans tomorrow, son?"
Stop fucking asking me, Mom.

Two years ago when they split up, I prayed every night we could be a happy family again.
Now I'm not even sure who to pray to, let alone what to pray for.
Or what to prey on.

Both of my houses force me into anorexia, my Dads is stocked with food.
for babies.
My Moms is stocked with food.
for babies.
I love it here at my Dads house, privacy, a computer, my loverly sister and her boyfriend.
I love it at my Moms house, lot's of people, an awesome nephew and niece, people always over, the ability to just /leave/

So once again I'm asked "What are your plans tomorrow?" and this time I think I'll say "To find out what the hell one of my friend's family is doing and ask if I'm invited."

hm, I wonder if tomorrow is as good a time as any to tell everyone about the drugs...
No, no. I'll wait until after Vegas, maybe by then I'll have someone by my side, again, to help me let everyone know.

"As reluctant as I am to say goodbye, I'm going to have to say it eventually, good luck with J, I hope I can pick up a book by Chloe Evans and read it, one day"
"And I hope I can listen to an album by R(doll) Dilks and enjoy it, and read a book by Ryan T. Dilks."

Me and Chloe said goodbye today.
I'm crying.

I found my wallet today.
It was empty.

--Edit--

Chloe has a blog.
I'm following it, I recommend you do too.

The butterfly room

RDoll:Wow. The way life always works itself out at the last minute for me... It's amazing. I still love /you/ know that I will forever. Pinky promise. You called me an asshole, which I needed. You implied that you still love me too, and... yeah... that's enough for me. I love you.

ABalls:Thank you for reminding me that no matter how bad I fuck up, I'll always have a friend who loves me in you. That's amazing and I'm truly blessed. I love you.

KPal: You put up with my shit /every/ day? wow. You're fucking hilarious, too. (: I love you

CMars: You too, I've known you for 4 years, and every single one of them I've relied on you to listen to me bitch and moan. haha yay. I love you.

D2Dusk: You, my friend. Good job meeting the boy of your dreams. I love you. You're a real inspiration to me, no joke. haha, you seriously listen to me talk about my people problems all day. For reals, man: i love you.

bemdog: I've never met you (yet) But thank you for writing music to keep me reminded that I'm /not/ alone. I love you

The rest of the world: I love you all. Yes, even you TX, despite my better judgement.

,RyanThomasDilks

Hm.

"I'm tired." The fifteen year old boy looked up from his notebook and set down his pen, waiting for his friends reply. "Then sleep?"
"No, metaphorically." This puzzled the friend for a second, "Oh. What are you tired of?" Both boys thought for a second, "I'm tired of wondering what's on eveyone elses mind."
"Then stop thinking about it, Ryan." The boy adressed as Ryan stood up and walked to the window, his fingers making streaks across the glass, "I wish it was that easy, E."
E stood up and walked over to Ryan, shaking his head slowly, "You think too much."
"It keeps me up at night, sometimes."
"I'm sorry, Ryan..."
"It's not like it's your fault." Both boys knew how foolish that was, of course it's not his fault, "I'm the one doing the thinking."

So that everyone knows.

I'm taking a break from the computer for a couple days.
I love you.
ttyl.

Without you is how I disappear

I'm ready to be gone.
I am.
This is horrible.
I haven't felt this bad upon waking up in a long time.
And the weird thing is, it's not even the 20th.
It's the second.
I'm sorry to EVERYONE who was mentioned below.
I do love you all, and half of it wasn't meant.
I was venting, and I said whatever decided to come to my mind.
The thing is, I hardly regret ANYTHING I said.
I regret saying that Riley is a bitch.
That's all.
I'm sorry to everyone, though.
Fuck it all, God, take me.

Day 29: The /real/ me

I'm pissed because I can't fucking say what's on my mind to ANYONE because everyone is constantly being lied to by me so they're gonna judge when I tell them EXACTLY what I fucking think and I'd tell Riley, since I've never lied to her but i'm afraid of losing her because I'm just going to complain about the fact that she's going to break my heart so that she can get famous and is ALWAYS going to assume that I'll be here which pisses me off the most because I /will/ always be here, because not only am I too weak to leave, I'm too bipolar to realize what a bitch she still is and it breaks my fucking heart. I'm ready to fucking DIE. because at least if I die I'll be happy. And it's sad, because she see's /something/ in me, (god knows what) even though she has a beautiful voice, can act, is gorgeous, and can pretty much have whatever she wants, but I'm Ugly, Stupid and Insane So she'll always amount to more than me, and I can only sit around all day, wallowing in my own pool of lies hoping for the 2 hour long phone call filled with "I love yous" and moaning that will allow me to dry off for a second, before I'm dropped back into my sadness and self loathing because no matter how happy I make her, or how much I seduce her, she's still not ready to date me. and it KILLS me inside, because while she's getting her pussy eaten by me, and singing on stage, I'll be stuck with the fact that I'm always just gonna be some fucker who's accused of dating her so that I /can/ be eating the pussy of a fucking celebrity, when in reality, i've done things that /should/ have made me famous, by now. But being a 15 year old, drug addicted, poor, white boy doesn't always appeal to everyone so I tell people and myself that I'm going to go kill myself, even though we /all/ know it's not true, because I'm not even strong enough to bring the blade that close to my skin. so instead i lie to people, telling them everything's fine, when in reality, it's just the opposite, and I wish that for once in like, things would go according to plan, and I'd be fucking happy for once. And what I think is making me happy is really serving no other purpose than to kill me inside and tear out my heart because I know that once everything is all over, and I'm still just as miserable, I have noone to turn to, because everyone was lied to. So pretty much: No body knows what really goes on in my life except for me and Riley, and we both want it to turn around right away, and she loves me, and I love her. It's obvious, seeing as she's the only girlfriend I haven't ever lied to. But at the end of the day, I'll still belong to her, but for right now, she doesn't belong to me, not officially, because she's stuck on this idea that she's not talented enough to get famous without flirting with people who can get her to the top, and she ALSO doesn't realize that if we were dating, I'd let her do /anything/ to get famous. Literally, anything. and so, once again, I'm sitting here, rambling and tearing apart my insides, because I'm still the same sad boy that I was when I woke up. and soon I'll go into the bathroom and jack off to the pictures of Riley that are saved on my phone. But I still wont be happy, because tomorrow when I see her, we're going to be held back from anything past holding hands because her friends are fucking RETARDED.

Ps: I love you too, Austin.
I love you too, everyone.
thank you for being here.

pps: I want you all to do me a favor and read http://tothexity.blogspot.com/

in times of need, this is what I do

Dear Only Girl in The World,

You amaze me, you know that? No matter how mad we are, or how pissed off we can be, you still give me a reason to be happy.
"DON'T TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM"
"we can just say I Like You, and only we'll know..."
♥
Yes.
You're absolutely perfect, babe.
Just know that.
I like you, a lot.
I'm on the phone with you right now, and I still can't believe that we're allowed to talk.
It's like a forbidden lo- like.

Forever yours,
Ryan(baby) Dilks