I wrote this song.... a couple days straight.

Katherine

by Highschool Lows

I wish that I could read minds
So that I could know what was going on in mine
Wish I could speak clear
Cause I would ask if you could please stay here.
Wish I could see you.
But I'm blinded dead, see what true love can do?
Woah, I'm falling off the edge again
And I need excuses for I don't wanna stand.
Woah, see what you did to me
If I chose who I was, why isn't this what I want to be?

And as this slowly changed
I kept on thinking it was all staged.
Rip me up, I'm laid out.
I'm coming home, won't you please lay down.

You've taken all my breath
I'm gasping on the floor making the most of what I've got left.
You've taken all my words
Speechless, love, is less than what you deserve.
Please take this song
As a token of my gratitude,
You know I'm never leaving you
But this is all that I can do
I hope it's okay.
Won't even open up to breathe,
Instead you opened up to me
And now I won't ever be the same.

And as this slowly changed
I kept on thinking it was all staged.
Rip me up, I'm laid out.
I'm coming home, won't you please lay down.
And as this slowly changed
I kept on thinking it was all staged.
Rip me up, I'm laid out.
I'm coming home, won't you please lay down.

I'm gone, baby I'm gone.
Open up to me, I'm singing our song.
This it it, it's all I can do.
I hope that it's okay with you.

A token of my gratitude,
You know I'm never leaving you
But this is all that I can do
I hope it's okay.
Won't even open up to breathe,
Instead you opened up to me
And now I won't ever be the same.
(I'm gone, baby I'm gone.
Open up to me, I'm singing our song.
This it it, it's all I can do.
I hope that it's okay with you.)

I used to swear to God like he could listen
Try me out girl you don't know what you're missing
I promise you I'm not the same,
Oh no girl I've changed..
And as this slowly changed
I kept on thinking it was all staged.
Rip me up, I'm laid out.
I'm coming home, won't you please lay down.

I don't want this to be
The last time that you see me,
But if we can't stand it,
I guess all hope's abandoned.
Couldn't go to sleep, trying to get away.
I wish that I could leave, but I really have to stay.
You are not my friend, no you belong to me
I wish that you had left me just a little room to breathe.
I don't even have a pair of legs to stand.
I stole your love and I sold it secondhand.
Girl, don't ever leave my side, because I need you here
The fire in your eyes has dried up all my tears.
This is not what I do
But I will if I have to.
I can't stay, no way I'm gone.
So long.
So long....

Blacking out on the floor, same thing as the night before...

Good God.
I would do anything to touch your skin one last time.
You STILL haunt my fucking dreams.
Bitch.
GODDDDD.
Why?
Why did you do that to me?

I used to pray like God was listening

"I love you"
The words hung in the air. Neither of us knew what to do next. I opened my mouth "I love you too?" there was a question mark, and she did not want it there.
"Yes. Yes you do."

I woke up...
Today was....
Fuck.
Nothing like my dream.

I'm a word that no one ever wants to say.

"Smile," she says. I smile and laugh, "Alright, I'm smiling." She looks at my smile and laughs too, "Good smile, Ryan." It looks goofy. I know it does, I did it on purpose. She hugs me and starts walking away, "Good luck on the test, boy."
I shiver.

5minutes earlier.

J! walks up to me in the hallway before history. Just like she does every day. But today something is different, she knows it. "Hey Ryan," she says, and frowns, staring at my wrist, "why did you do it?" I shake my head and try to hide the scar, "Do what?" she isn't fooled. She grabs my hand and twists it so that my wrist is pointing up. "That. Why?" I shake my head again and she slaps me,"No, Ryan. Tell me."
"It's nothing, it was an accident."
"Bullshit, boy." Her voice and her eyes give me the same feeling.
I now feel both guilty and horny.
"J! it-"
"Don't lie. Why did you do it." there wasn't a question mark. Her voice remained the same. I frown. "I don't know why i did it. I felt like shit. I regret it."
"Damn straight you regret it." she kisses my wrist and looks at me, I'm still frowning. "Smile."
I shake my head. "Smile, Ryan." I pull my wrist away and look her in the eyes. Gorgeous. "Smile," She says. I smile and laugh...

Some die looking for a hand to hold.

"It's blood." The words form themselves around my lips with an awkward gravity, "It's blood and it's dripping onto the table." Across the table is Jeremy, smiling sickly and bleeding, "It's blood, Dilks. I wasn't arguing." His accent pierces my ear drums. It's disgusting. It's sexy. He looks at his wrist. Bleeding.
A drop of blood falls back onto the table.
"Fucking Jeremy, clean that shit up. I don't need you cutting yourself and bleeding all over my table."
He doesn't move. Instead he sits there and stares at me with his grey eyes. He shakes the hair from his eyes and flashes a frown, yet never lets his grin falter.
My hand shoots to the left and grabs a napkin, wiping the blood and throwing another at Jeremy in one swift move, "Put it against your wrist. If you're going to hurt yourself at my house, keep it clean."
He looks over at me and stands.
I can see his lips trying to say something.
My mouth says it first.
"I'm not hurting myself. I'm hurting you."
I sound like him.
Just.
Like.
Him.

I shiver a bit and look down at my bleeding wrist.
I'm holding a napkin to it and staring into the mirror.
I keep on mumbling to myself as I bleed and shake.

"It hurts to know that when you tell them where you got the scars, they'll call you insane." He whispers it in my ear.
For a person that never existed outside of my body, I can see him too clearly over my shoulder.
His hand runs along my chest and he kisses my cheek.
His soft limey accent whispers something in latin, and the bleeding stops.

Operor non timeo praecessi subter supter

he fades away, but is nowhere near gone.
His words remain.

Operor non timeo praecessi subter supter
do not be afraid to go underneath.

How to say goodbye

1. the buildup "Hey, (namegoeshere) I think we should talk."


it is third period. Still. I just want to go home. It's not very often that my phone gets signal in that class. but when it does, i always seem to get an important text.
This one is from J! "I'm sorry I haven't texted you in a while, I'm just trying to figure myself out, Just like you are."
I text her back "I've figured you out. It's time to figure myself out now. I'll talk to you after school."

2. the false hope "No it's nothing bad, just important."

it is sixth period. Still. I just want to go home. I write her a note and throw it across the table.
"I never got a chance to tell you who I like, yesterday."
She reads this and smiles.
Adorable smile.
"Who?"
I read it and shiver.
She wasn't supposed to ask.
"You."
The note flies across the table and lands on her folder.
She unfolds the note and looks at it.
I can see the single word reflected in her eyes.
you
She smiles and writes something else down.
"Idk, I think we should just be friends."
Story of my life.
Bell rings.
Time to go home.
I throw the note in the trashcan and leave her in the dust.

3. the letdown "I just can't stay."

i am sitting in band.
I am holding my trombone and looking pissed off.
I am.
Arnold won't shut the fuck up.
"Arnold, shut the fuck up, please?"
That was SectionLeader.
Arnold doesn't shut the fuck up.
I just want to stab him.
In the chest.
Ten times.
my phone vibrates.
J!
the word appears on my screen.
you.
"I know, J!"

4. the fake apologies. "I'm sorry, Truly."

it is last night.
I'm laying on the chair/bed/thingy.
I am thirsty.
The TV is off.
there is no noise.
I cannot sleep like this.
My niece is sleeping in a box.
Does it make me a bad person if I want to tape the box shut?
probably.
I text Kathy.
"I am going to hurt someone tomorrow."
She is sleeping in a box.
I don't know why this bothers me as much as it does.
it shouldn't.
But it does.
I text J!
"My niece is sleeping in a box."
Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.
"Wtf? Why?"
i shrug.
Which is stupid.
she doesn't see.
I text her back
"I don't know. But it pisses me off. Goodnight."

5. the day after. "-awkward silence-"

it is today.
After band.
I text J!
"I'm out of band, now."
Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.
"I don't want to talk to you right now."
I look over at Arnold.
He's still being a dick.
I want to stab him still.
Instead I call him a dumbass and walk to my moms car angrily.

six. the regret.

it is almost literally right now.
Buzz. Buzz. Buzz.
"I'm sorry about earlier, Ryan. It wasn't you. It was me."
I text her back.
"Sure. It's fine. Come back to school. I miss you."

She is asking.

And she is guessing.
But I do not tell her it is you.

She'll find out.

fk'd

You are staring.
There is door one, which is wide open, and you are staring at the love of your life.
Then there is door two.
Shut.
And Monty Hall says, "You can keep door one. Or you can open door two."
"I'll take door two."

The air of mystery is what attracts you.
The love of your life is amazing, but He/she isn't as mysterious as whatever is behind door two.

It's a goat.
It is now less than mysterious.

This is Forever!

New songggg.
Y3Y me!
The album is written completely.

Open your eyes babe.
Look up from the ground.
Every day you're spending makes another come around.
I know you say I need you more, You've opened up the door.
We're stepping inside.

And I am you hero!
I will not let you go.
I am your friend.
Save me.
Baby save me.
I am your hero!
I will not let you die alone.
Oh no.
It's day one, forgive forget that we're apart,
I know it's hard to heal my heart.
But You are my...

OH! It feels SO nice.
And I swear I only did it twice
[I am your hero] (x3)

I am your hero.
I am your friend.

They will not take you from me.
Open your eyes, look around and see.
Life is what happens when you're dragging around
They will only find us if we open our mouths
You are my girl.
And I am your lover.
This is right now.
And this is forever.

Here we sit, we're counting stars.
I just don't know you are.
I am your hero.
I am your friend.
If this is forever,
I won't let it end.

I know I never said this but you're the world to me,
And though I never meant it I said you're not for me.
And I don't want to hurt you,
But you're trying to tear me apart.
But now and only now as they're dragging me away.
There's something that I've always wanted to hear you say and that's,
I don't want this to be
The last time that you see me.
But if we can't stand it
I guess all hope's abandoned.

This is forever.

I feed you drugs on a silver plate.

Put my fire out with your brain.
Do me in.

"Please?" She smiles, "Just once." I look at her, frowning, "Not once. Not ever." She grabs my hand, "For me?" I pull away and turn around, my middle finger shoots up into the air, "Not once. Not ever."

As promised, here's Hero.

Why does he have to hit you like that?
Does it make him feel like more of a man?
Hey girl, you're really pretty, I think you can do better
But he's got you hostage, sending me a crank a letter.
He keeps pushing and shoving babygirl around.
If I could baby, I'd take him down.
When he hears you crying does it make him feel right?
I say you leave him by the end of the night.

But I'm here, and I will be your hero.
I won't let him win, that supervillain zero.
He's a bad man, a ruthless instigator
Cant stop getting high, perpetual blazer.
But I'm here.
And I'm your hero.

He's got you in a stranglehold
You don't want him, but he wont let go.
Just kick him out, you can do it my love.
But you're running out of time what're waiting on?
You need to get out of his lust my dear.
You cannot listen to the things you hear
When you hear him lying does it feel alright?
I say you leave him by the end of the night.

But I'm here, and I will be your hero.
I won't let him win, that supervillain zero.
He's a bad man, a ruthless instigator
Cant stop getting high, perpetual blazer.
But I'm here.
And I'm your hero.

Secretly I've been writing an album

This is forever, album description


This album is a kind of love story.
It starts off with the girl in our story, who's in the midst of an abusive relationship (Something to Bleed On). And our boy has a secret crush on the girl, and when he finds out about the abuse she's taking, he tries to save her from the relationship (Hero). The girl loves this, and decides to take him as her boyfriend. They have a good relationship (Landing Gear) but evventually she'll leave him (Forgive: Forget) he confesses that she was his saviour (Want To Go Home) and begs her to come back, but she refuses (Staying away) He takes up drugs and becomes violent (Only Twice + Unt!tled) he then tries to kick the habit (I'm Gone). He fails and then tries to commit suicide (Dressed to kill) but another girl stops and saves him (Hero Revise.) and they live happily ever after (This is forever)


In a way, it's about myself and a single relationship that I was in, with a few extra things added in, or stolen from other relationships. But it's all mostly taken from a specific one, and if she ever hears this album, she'll know it was about her.

This is a Breakup song

And it's about two different things.
It was written about a drug, but it could also be a response to my last song "Want to go Home"

It's called So Gone, by Highschool Lows

I'm laying here, I'm drying off the tears,
I won't forget the way you made me feel,
Eveytime we whispered our goodnights,
Said I loved you, mostly out of fright.
But there's no way I'm coming back to you
Because I know what you can make me do.
But still I cannot bear to say goodbye,
Maybe it's time I give in to your lies.
You tell me that I need you,
So i say it to my friends.
You ask me not to leave you,
So I stay in your defense.
But it's so hard to leave you here
Buried in my veins.
I just wish I could leave you
But you're begging me to stay.

And I don't want to hurt you,
But you're trying to tear me apart.
And I don't want to lose you,
But it's so wrong you've blackened my heart.
And I'm dying to kick you away,
But I'm stuck on the pain that your taking from me
I can't risk it any longer I'm gone.
And this is my final love song.

You keep calling me back telling me that you've changed
And I'm finding it harder and harder to stay away,
Call me one more time, I think I need to hear your voice.
Baby, I'm so gone... You only make me worse.
I try kicking and screaming, but it only makes me hoarse.
I just wish you would leave me, baby just go.

And I don't want to hurt you,
But you're trying to tear me apart.
And I don't want to lose you,
But it's so wrong you've blackened my heart.
And I'm dying to kick you away,
But I'm stuck on the pain that your taking from me
I can't risk it any longer, I'm gone.
And this is my final love song.
Baby I'm gone.

Also

I swear to God that's for me.
From her.
Even if it's probably not.
I'll do it anyway.

Seven loves you so much.

I am laying here on my bed, and I only have one wish. I wish that she would pull the trigger and murder me. Leave me lying on my bed, gasping for breath. Bleeding. Choking. Dead.

But instead she will stand there.
She will stand there with the gun pressed to my skull.
A skill she took right from the book of LiamAlexander
She insists on letting me live.
She reaches down and strokes my cheek.
Spits in my face.
And leaves.


































































bitch.

There is nobody here.

New song:

Want to go home, by Highschool Lows

It's been three years since life was easy
And now they're trying hard to save me,
But I'm too busy giving up on all this.
And they try hard to get me breathing
Suddenly my cheast is heaving
I'm alive again and back in all this.
And you say, "Baby I just want you to stay
Don't you ever ever go away.
I won't let them take your place."
But you got up and left anyway.
And I'm chained to this bed.
You left me feeling dead.
Don't you leave me alone,
Baby girl, won't please take me home?

I don't want this to be
The last time that you see me.
But if we can't stand it
I guess all hope's abandoned.
And this aint what I do
But I'll do it if I have to.
And you aren't the one that I knew best
Baby girl, does this confession impress you?

And here we sit, counting stars.
I just don't know who you are.
You always said these things were silly
But is that all that you feeling?
As I want you more, you want me less,
You try so hard, swear you're obsessed.
And I'll say, "Baby, don't you go nowhere
I can't stand life without you here
Don't want you to leave my sight."
But then you went and said goodbye.
And I'm stuck to this pen,
I'm writing letters that won't be sent
Don't you leave me alone,
Baby girl, won't you please take me home

I don't want this to be
The last time that you see me.
But if we can't stand it
I guess all hope's abandoned.
And this aint what I do
But I'll do it if I have to.
And you aren't the one that I knew best
Baby girl, does this confession impress you?
I don't want this to be
The last time that you see me.
But if we can't stand it
I guess all hope's abandoned.
And this aint what I do
But I'll do it if I have to.
And you aren't the one that I knew best
Baby girl, does this confession impress you?
Does this confession depress you?

I let the bad parts in, the bad parts in.

She said she would dream about me.
You said you were as we spoke.
She said she loved me.
You said you don't know how.
She said that I was perfect.
You said that I was wonderful.
She said that my letters and poems rendered her speechless.
You said that I'm a very sweet guy.

I killed her.

You're next.

Am I lost in your eyes?

I am sitting here, at the end of my rope.
The knot is tied, the gun is cocked and ready, the toaster is next to the tub, the pills in my hand.
I am thinking of doing all of them at once, but I do not know how to correctly kill myself.
Besides, who would show up to my funeral?
Who would dare look at the dead Ryan Thomas Dilks?
Who would have anything nice to say, but Best Friend?
Eddie would say: "All I knew about him were lies."
Armando would say: "He seemed too happy to kill himself"
Vlad would cry and say: "One last time, just for him... Who's the babe?"
Dannyboy would repeat after Vlad: "Who's the babe?"
My family would cry and cry.
Best Friend might cry, too.
I don't know.
But I do know that she'd talk the longest.
Because I'd ask her to.
I pull the rope from around my neck, I unplug the toaster, I put the gun away, and I put the pills back in the bottle.

I was about to die.
I was about to commit suicide.
It was attempts 14, 15, 16, and 17.
And I failed them all.

I was about to commit suicide because I forgot to thank you this afternoon.

(Of course I wasn't going to physically kill myself.
I mean it in a metaphorical, metaphysical sense.
Kill myself psychologically.)

I was about to commit suicide because I forgot to thank you this afternoon.
Because you were there and I never gave you any recognition.
So here it is.
Thank you.
I am sorry that I didn't tell you in person.
I wish we had rehearsal tomorrow so that I /could/ tell you in person.
But I'm a loser.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.

Also.
The only reason I haven't asked you on a date without betting for it is because I'm afraid of having my heart broken.
And you can't break my heart if I don't let you inside of it.
But I like you a lot.
A lot.
You're a sweet girl.
You like the right things.
Not to mention, you look like God.
Seeing as I imagine that (s)he is gorgeous.
I don't think that I want to let you into my heart, yet, though.
You handled my mind better than most.
And I think that right now, that's where I want to leave it.
I'm sorry, Censored.
But that's all I can do for now.
Maybe one day I'll let myself ask you out on a date.
But not yet.
Not now.

Grand finale.

I am falling.
I don't like falling, but I can't deny it: I am definitely falling.
Damn.
Not metaphorically, not in love or anything, no.
I am falling.
Downwards.
By way of gravity.
The ground is not getting any closer.
Fuck.
Ryan, rise and shine. Time for school

My eyes shoot open.
I do not want to wake up.
Suddenly I like falling, I don't want to stop falling.
I try my best to fall some more.

Ryyyyannnn. Wake up.

Fuck this.
I sit up.
I put on my game face.
I put on my game clothes.
I do my hair.
(Brush, Squirt, Brush, Squirt)
"I'm ready."*


Boom.
School.
Where the fuck is Eddie and Armando?
Here's Daniel, but where's Vlad?
Fuck.
First period.
"Class, today we're taking our chapter 7 test."
Aced.
Easy shit.
Fire alarm.

Nobody budges, this is sad.
This is how often the alarm goes off.
pardon the interruption.
there is a fire, but we have it in control.
Thank you
Even sadder.
People were in real danger, and nobody moved from their seats.
Sad.

Second period.
Tintary is reading MLKs work.
Genius man.
Both of them.
Tintary and MLK.

BOOM!
Third period.
Fuck.
Mr. G's on jury duty, still?
Shit.
Movie about Jack the Ripper.
Alright.
Fire alarm.
Nobody moves.
This is even sadder still.
It's another fire.
Still nobody moves.
Holy shit.

Lunch Time.
There's Vlad.
And Eddie.
And Armando.
"Who's the babe?"
"Stick your head in there."
"Hey faggot."
Etcetera.
On our way to fourth period.
that's where it happens.

"Why do you always hit us, why don't you ever get Dilks?"
"Cause he's a little bitch about it."
"Bullshit, homeboy, you're just afraid of him."
"Fucking, naw, look"
He aims for my nuts.
I block him.
"See, he fucking blocks it."
I aim for his nuts.
He blocks me.
"You're a little bitch too then, eh. You blocked it too."
"Naw fool, I'm not a little bitch. You're just a fucking queer."
I shove him to the floor.
"Shut the fuck up, little bitch"
He stands up to hit me and Mrs. Mach steps in between us.

We don't get in official trouble.

5th period is boring.
6th period is, too.
Except that Freshmen and the Girl who Sits Next to Me are talking about my fight.
They exaggerate it.
I look like the good guy, though.
I go with it.
Why not?
It's highschool.



*I lied.

And with that:

This blog gets yet another name change.
Goodbye TenFold.
Hello Villainous Bastard.

Sometimes I hear songs that remind me of myself in a scary way.

For example, Property.
It's about an abusive relationship.
From the eyes of the abuser.
And hearing how much it reminded me of myself, made me realize I'm an abusive monster.
There's not a word in that song that I haven't said or threatened.

Kanye West is a dick

Dear Talyor Swift, you won a VMA, congrats.
I love you.

Dear Kanye West,
Fuck you, bro.

Burn that motherfucker to the ground.

It is Friday afternoon, and we are waiting for the busses to take us to the football game.
I am in my uniform.
Waiting.
"Fucking Queer" James says.
He is looking my way.
"Fuck you, James."
He walks over to me and shoves me.
"Do something."
I don't.
"Faggot" he says, and walks away.

Release the beast.

I shove him to the ground and kick the side of his head.
James is bleeding from the lip.
He stands up and swings at me.
Misses.

release the beast

I swing back.
But I make contact.
He falls backwards down the hill.
He is dead.

"Faggot," he says, and walks away.
I look over at him and be the bigger man.
He IS dead, inside.
I know it.
But I am alive.
I'm alive.
And I'm the bigger man.

Manifest Destiny is Just a fancy word for murder.

I am ALIVE.
And well.
A miracle must have happened last night.
Oh my goodness.
First football game tomorrow.
My voice is gone, but still.
Oh.
My.
God.
I'm so excited for health.
I'm gonna get offline and do something else, just as nonproductive.
HELL YEAH FOOTBALL.

Ps.

You told me that the virus escapes through bodily fluids
As another bead of sweat rolls down my neck, and across my chest, I thank god that you reminded me that sweat was a bodily fluid.
Love you.

Day35: Dead Man Walking

Please sing to me.
I can see you open up to breathe.
Fast words make it easier on me.
If the points to never disappoint you,
Somebody's got to tell me what to do.
Just wish you could've seen me
When it used to come so easy.
I'd like to say that it's easy to stay
but it's not for me.
I'm barely here at all...


I am Ryan Thomas Dilks, and I am a dead man walking. I am trying not to give up, but it seems so god damned easy. I am dying. I am.
Granted, we all are, but that's beside the point.
I'm dying too quick. A virgin. Hot. Naked. With IceCream in one hand, and a gun in the other. I am going out like this. I am going out tonight. Last night I did not dream, and I woke up afraid that I died in my sleep. Maybe I died in that swimming pool on monday night.
Jumping into the pool, maybe I slipped and hit my head, dying on contact.
And maybe now I am in hell.
But the Dodgers won last night.
And are about to win tonight.
Kathy's still my best friend.
And I'm eating ice cream.
So this can't be hell...

Heaven?
No.
I'm too bad a person.
Besides, heaven wouldn't be feeding me the flu.
And in heaven, I'd be visited by Grandma Mabel, telling me she loves me.

So I'm still alive.
I just wish I felt better.
I am Ryan Thomas Dilks.
and I am a dead man walking.

Slow down now, the secrets out
and I swear now, I can make this perfect.
What you want
What you need
has been killing me
try to be everything that you want me to be.
I'll say yes, I'll undress.
I've done more for less.
Now I'll change everything till it's perfect again.

Personality flaws.

I was staring at the bottom of the toilet.
I could see my faint reflection, past the puke that had just come out of my mouth.
I rear back.
Another load flies, but this time there's blood mixed in.
A small amount, but an amount nonetheless.
I stare at the blood, which swirls with last nights dinner.
"Maybe it's fruit punch"
I tell myself.
I spit.
It's blood.
I can taste it.
"Fuck." I try to say.
What I really say is "Fu- akjsdnvin" because I puke.
No blood.
But my throat is burning.
There's loads of bile in the bowl.
I flush.
Rear back.
Puke.
Something comes out.
Something large.
It appears to be my stomach.
Yes.
Awesome.
Here I am, turning inside out in the toilet.
In pain, Slowly.
But private.
This is not how I wanted to go out.
No bang.

I am dying in this bathroom.
I am going to die a virgin, a bad man, with plenty of regrets.
H1N1 is murdering me.

I can see my reflection clearly again.
It's like there's a mirror at the bottom of the porcelain chair.
But there's not.
I wish there were.
I want to see what dying looks like.
I look up, into the mirror on my wall.
Fuck.
I look like shit.
Maybe I shouldn't have looked up....
"Fuck," I manage, "I look like shit... Maybe I shouldn't have lo-kjdvnbkj"
More puke.
My face is gone...
And it was then.
There.
Staring into that toilet, regretting my death, that I decided it was NOT time.
I slowly try to stand, I make it to my feet.
I am naked.
But I am NOT going to die naked.
I am NOT going to die a virgin.
I am NOT going to die today.
I drop to my knees.
Naked.
A virgin.
Today.
I puke.

Fuck.

I am at school.

In second period. in the computer lab.
it is cold.
i am sick.
FUCK.
this hurts so bad...
FML.

I am a vampire

Except that I do not need blood.
I need women.
Leave me.

I just sneezed.

And I thought I broke a rib.
That hurt like a biotch.
Like, no lie, man.

Jesus.

Anyway, I'm Ryan Thomas Dilks, and I think that tomorrow is tuesday.
but I'm not completely sure...

Disneyland last night was fun.
I s'pose.
I was on pirates and some trick kept touching on me.

She was alright, I guess.
But still.

My tongue has now become a platform for your lies.

I'm stuck here in between the shadows of my yesterday.
i want to get away.
I need to get away.

It is 12:37PM.
My father is still asleep.
He woke up for a half hour at around 9 this morning.
Then he fell back asleep.
It is just like any other sunday.
I am a sinner, because I am not at church.
Ryan Thomas Dilks, Sinning Bastard.

I'm half convinced that I'm destined for someone I not only don't know, but someone who doesn't like me at all.

I am NOT a bad person.
Kathy told me that.
Amy told me that.
Chloe told me otherwise.
Chloe told me I did not used to be a bad person.
But I have become one.
Ryan Thomas Dilks, Sinning Bastard Who Is Also A Bad Person.

It's a three day weekend.
God has blessed me with an extra day to sit at home, lazy and too thin.
No life.
No hope.
I can sit here and marinate in my thoughts.
Ryan Thomas Dilks, Sinning Poetic Genius.

Do you know what I hate?
People who think that birds make cute pets.
People who misuse the word "Ironic"
People who try and force their beliefs on me.
The word "Abnormalities"
Improper Fractions.
Teachers that don't understand the material they are teaching.
People who tell me they "Did their best" after they failed me.
People who tell me they "Will be here if I ever need to talk about anything" After I CLEARLY just stated that I'm fine.
Blimpies. [sandwich shop]

I'm just a big cauldron of sadness, aren't I?
yep.

Ryan Thomas Dilks, Sinning Poetic Cauldron of Hate and Sadness.

The (almost) complete SecretList

#1: I have a strong Oedipal complex

#2: I'm afraid I might be anorexic

#3: i'm a closet racist.

#4: I only believe in god so that I have someone to blame

#5: I tell disgusting lies for the attention

#6: I told my mom to cancel therapy because I was fine. I was really just afraid of being exploited.

#7: I cheated on shelby two times with three girls

#8: [censored]

#9: the only reason I didn't pass spanish is because I let my friend have my final exam

#10: [censored]

#11: I sleep with my TV on because I'm afraid of the dark.

#12: I sold naked pictures of my ex to buy Jamba Juice for Riley

#13: I'm a HUGE hypocrite

#14: [censored]

#15: I proposed to a girl while drunk

#16: I only have one testicle.

#17: I have a friend in elementary who thinks I'm dead.

#18: i've had 911 called on me, twice.

#19: I've sent random girls naked pictures of random guys.

#20: I hate looking in the mirror every morning.

#21: I've never prayed for my own personal gain

#22: [censored]

#23: I'm not nearly as happy as I pretend to be at school.

#24: I told the truth to Riley more than i tell the truth to myself

#25: [censored]

#26: I make fun of people out of jealousy.

#27: I have a strong attraction to bitchy girls

#28: I've probably used you more than once.

#29: [censored]

#30: I've taken pictures up girls skirts at school on more than one occasion.

#31: I took the drugs out of my friends back pocket when he was caught with them.

#32: [censored]

#33: I faked it when we had phone sex.

#34: [censored]

#35: It kills me to see Destiny happy.

#36: [censored]

#37: My neice is the only person to have heard me sing

#38: The friend from elementary who thinks I'm dead still talks to me. I pretend to be someone else.

#39: I once masturbated in a tattoo parlor.

#40: I recycle love notes.

#41: I'm gay for x!

#42: I used to tell her Demi is pretty so that she hurt me. I'm masochistic

#43: [censored]

#44: I'm stifling my depression so that I can keep on feeling alone

#45: I'm embarrassed about my bipolar, that's why I don't have medication for it.

#46: I tell her to have fun, but I really hope she has a shitty time.

#47: [censored]

#48: I tell myself every night what a bitch TX was, but when I remind myself of the truth, I miss her.

#49: I can't go through 10 minutes without wondering if I'm still smothering her. I haven't talked to her in hours.*

#50: I think I might really be God.

#51: Sometimes I reply to myself on GroupHug so that I don't feel so alone, but when I read it and /remember/ that it was me, i realize that it didn't work.

#52: I lie simply to keep my mind away from the truth

#53: I keep texting her "On accident"

#54: [censored]

#55: I hate when i'm reading my secret list, and I realize that 82% of them have been about myself.

#56: I lost weight, I really /am/ anorexic.

#57: I've had a strong sexual attraction to every english teacher of mine since 3rd grade.

#58: [censored]

#59: Stop saying she's a bitch. You aren't any better. You're fucking WORSE. you never gave me a chance to explain. That's why I hate you TX

#60: [censored]

#61: [censored]

#62: Whenever I see a group of little kids, I wish I was one of them.

#63: Whether I'm single or not, I'll always get turned on when a random girl checks me out.

#64: This day is much easier than I honestly expected.

#65: i let down the one person i told myself i wouldnt let down

#66: My mom's boyfriend is the perfect guy.

#67: I just lied to Kathy so that she would be happy for me.

#68: I've written 3 break up songs special for Riley, just in case.**

#69: <- I never want to try it.

#70: Schizography.blogspot.com/tell-me-im-a-bad-man.html

#71: I'm such a peaceful person, that the only thing that makes me mad is when that FUCKING mushroom tells me my princess is in another castle.

#72: when we started talking, i started crying. this is the happiest ive ever been***

* Was true until we broke up
** We made up that night, and I erased them
*** Of course I wish I had never written that one

Cross my heart and hope to die.

"People who leave their dreams to their imaginations are wasting a good talent."
I am Ryan Thomas Dilks, and I'm still single.
FML.
Apparently, though, I'm gorgeous.
(Don't lie to me anymore, trick)
And apparently, I'm a really good guy.
(You either.)
And also, I'm the best you've ever had.
(Possibly the truth)

See, I think the reason I'm single is: I'm too god damn picky.
Or maybe I give in too easily?
I still love shelby.
A lot.
And I'd ask her back out.
But peer pressure is holding me back.
my friends don't like her...

Whatever, though.
Maybe J! will date me.
Or maybe MysteryGirl will.
Or maybe I'll become rich and famous, and Demi Lovato will.
There's always that.

I am a bad person, sometimes.

Ryan Thomas Dilks; Expert in human relations.

When Daniel asked me today whether I've ever contemplated suicide, I decided it was time to tell him my life story.
It wasn't until J! joined us, that I realized I had a complete audience.

Sometime around, "And then my friend killed herself. I tried to commit suicide 12 times that night." J! stopped me and hugged me, and told me I'm an awesome person.

It was sometime around, "And I stalked her. Hard." That I realized there were tears in my eyes. And Daniels.

Sometimes I write songs in the shower.

Sometimes I forget what my place is in this world,
so, filled with regret, I stick myself in girls.
I wish I could tell you that I think you're what I need
But I can't, so I shake my head, and I bleed.

Chorus:
I only hope that forever isn't so long as it seems
Because to me, forever isn't all it's cracked up to be.
I think I can have you, so please let me know I can't
I want you right now, girl, in my hands in my hands.

This is not what I want to do with my life
But I don't have another choice, until tonight,
When I see you undressing through your window.
I'm watching you, but I'll never let you know.
Woah!

Chorus.

Theres only one place left to go
if you don't want to feel alone.
It's somewhere hidden, in relief and regret
I could tell you where to find it, but It's so easy to forget.
Just take your knife and place it against the wall
Cut a hole, watch the foundation fall.
When it's big enough for you to step in.
When it's the right size, step inside step inside

Chorus.

If I burn out and slip away.

Love (luv): (n) 1.An excuse for being fat/lazy
2. A phenomenon in which two people are connected both sexually and emotionally.
3. Something made up to have a reason to write music
4. the second sweetest drug.
(See: music)

I am Ryan Thomas Dilks, and this is forever.
I refuse to conform, yet conformity is what I do best.

How to get the girl in 3 [or more] steps

I told her, "Hello. My name is Ryan Thomas Dilks, and I'm a writer."
"Oh," she responds "My name is J." I smile at her, and sigh softly. "It's hot outside, darling."
She thinks it's cute that I call her darling.

I am still single.

How's that for a happy ending?

It's actually not much of an ending at all, is it?
Hm.
Strange.

Oh well...
I am Ryan Thomas Dilks and I don't know what I want to do tomorrow.
But we're marching afterschool on friday.
you should come watch me with a sign that says "HI RYAN I LOVE YOU"
Or not.
It's up to you.