1. Establish Yourself as Someone You're Not.
"It's because I don't want to fucking be here, but I'm getting a grade so I guess I'll fucking be here."
I was yelling, I haven't yelled in a long time and there were people staring, but I didn't stop yelling
I probably should have stopped because by the looks of things you didn't like my yelling, but I yelled anyway because I was angry and you weren't listening. Yelling wasn't making anything better, or even making any difference at all, but it felt sort of nice, in a strange, dark sort of way but I wanted to stop, I just wasn't. You tried to calm me down by grabbing my hands and telling me that I could just leave, my shift was over, I didn't need to wash another car, but I couldn't go home with you, and that didn't... it didn't calm me down. So I slapped you.
2. Hate The Person You've "Become"
This time last year I was showing people a picture of a girl that I was proud of myself for using, but I was also dating a girl that didn't live here. I didn't mind that I didn't like either of them, because I didn't feel emotions like that anymore. I didn't mind hurting them because I was blind to love, I didn't love them, I didn't love anyone. Some people probably got hurt, but none of them were me and I was perfectly okay with that, because as far as I was concerned, life wasn't worth living if you didn't have some entertainment every once in a while, even if the entertainment came in the form of hurting a girl that you told day after day "I love you" just so that she might show you her tits.
3. Cry About It, Write Some Poetry and Cut Yourself
I used to know this girl without a name and we said that we were "best friends" despite the fact that we had never met. We were "best friends" and that's what we kept saying. We weren't even allowed to talk, and yet we did some bad things that we shouldn't have done, that hurt some good people that we shouldn't have hurt. Both of us were either in or had just gotten out of pretty horrible relationships and we went to each other for cheap love and kind words, but mostly cheap love. Maybe a distraction from our lives being so shit, right then, but who cares because then she told me she was pregnant, and she lied and I went crazy and I changed and I became a bad person and it sucks.
4. Really, Truly, In All Actuality, Become That Person
When I was a kid my dad had this habit of being an asshole, and he would hit my mom and although I never saw it happen, I just knew. We all did. He was a friendly person until he got mad at random times, and his short fuse reached the end and he lashed out. And so he didn't let her hurt him, because he was too busy hurting her and not many people knew this, but he was my example as a kid. He's the reason why when I grew up, I thought that it was an okay thing to hurt other people because all that really mattered was not getting hurt yourself, and as long as you hurt her before she has the chance to hurt you, you won't ever be hurt but that was a lie that I didn't get my head out of until it was almost too late.
5. Refuse To Get Help
People still, to this day, come to me for advice about things that I have a tough time figuring out for myself and I seem to give them good advice that I can't follow. I'm a lot better at living someone else's life than I am at living my own, and that's a bad thing. But for the longest time I was afraid of asking for advice, even my therapist had a hard time getting through to me, because I didn't want anyone to judge me, in a kind of "only God can judge me" attitude, which is a weird thing for an atheist to feel... Only I can judge me, is really what it is. everyone else can go fuck themselves.
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