How To Marry A Prince and Become Royalty

1. You Have To Be Beautiful.

I've been alive for a long time. I'm young, I'm a kid, and I will always be a kid, but in reality, I have been alive for a long time. A lot longer than a lot of other people have gotten to live, but that's beside the point. Of the people who have lived long enough for me to know, most of them have had this notion that they're ugly, and people are ugly, and everything is ugly. But everything is not ugly, and you are not ugly, and everyone is beautiful. We all have ugly qualities, I'm bipolar with a bad past and no ambition and an idealist view on everything, but the beauty is in all of that ugliness. The beauty is the fact that you're human and you have horrible features and you can feel guilt and whatnot, the beauty is in the fact that we can love, and we can create, and we can learn. And we are all unique. That is the beautiful part. That you are you and that God, or something for which He is a metaphor, made you that way and you can be happy, and you should be happy, and you should never ever ever forget that there are billions of people on this planet. And they are all jealous of you, because they all wish that they were as beautiful as you.

2. You Have To Be Famous.

I once knew a girl who had this obsession with becoming famous. She let it get in the way of everything, especially relationships. She was willing to do everything to get where she wanted to get, and the saddest part is that she'll never get it. She wants so bad to be famous and be a star that she fails to realize that she was, at some point. She doesn't understand that at one time, there were a lot of people willing to do whatever for her because she was pretty, and she could sing and act, but she treated them badly and now they don't like her. It's regrettable, but what, really, are you going to do? Some people were born to be hated.

3. You Have To Believe In Love.

Throughout my 17 years I have stopped believing in things and then started believing in things, but one thing has been constant. Love has always been the message. It has always been what I believe in and stand for. I do everything in the name of love. I support love. I support happiness. Love is real, and it is undeniable, unavoidable, and unmistakable. And it hurts. And it destroys. And it sucks. But that is what makes it so amazing. Love is so complex, and unique that it can do so many things and all of them are powerful. And none of them can be stopped. Fuck the rules and fall in love.

4. You Have To Realize That The World Is Nothing But A Ferris Wheel.

Some people think of life as something to be taken seriously and worked hard at. But that's not what it's all about. You were blessed with the opportunity to be alive, so use that chance however you want. Life is just a giant board game, and that's all it will ever be, so we have to remember and accept and love that. You don't need to worry about God punishing you. You will punish yourself. The homeless drunk on the corner will not go to hell because he is already living it. The racist bigot in the bar hates himself and all he is. Life is a game, but there are no winners or losers.

5. You Have To Be Able To Imagine. 

You will never meet a prince to marry. You will never find your way, suddenly, thrust into the world of royalty and wonderfulness. But life is what you make it. And the key is to remember that you are beautiful, and you can fall in love, and you can be famous if you try, and you live in a theme park, and this world is yours for the taking, you just have to reach out and take it. That is how to finally be happy.

And all those white lines that sped us up.

We hurried to our death.
Well I lagged behind, so you got ahead.


In a few days I'll be in the future and there's not much to do there but that's where I'll be. Maybe I'll be dead, although with any luck I'll be alive still, but who really knows. And we;ll walk across a stage and get some piece of paper that tells us how to get our diplomas, and then we'll go to college or burn in hell or something. But we definitely won't fail.

Failure is not an option.

How To Kill Yourself From the Inside Out, Part 2

1. Pretend To Have A Mental Disorder

i feel very uninterested in everything and i want to get up and play video games or something but i can't because i'm too busy writing. maybe if i talked to my friends while  going fast and turning left i'd suddenly feel happier but i doubt it. my sister and brother in law got back from maryland last night while i was asleep and i still havent seen my sister because shes at work and thats fine because she has to work otherwise i wouldn't get dinner tonight but i'm hungry and i miss my sister. 

2. Base Relationships Entirely On The Basis That You're Insane

I want to leave here. Not to go anywhere specific, but I want to leave... here. And just stop being here. I don't know why but I'm done being right here at this moment in this spot, because theres no reason for me to be right here at this moment in this spot.

3. Create A Blog Based Entirely On The Assumption That You're Insane

Sometimes I used to feel like drinking hard liquor and getting plastered and raping my ex-girlfriend. Thats an unhealthy thought to have, but sometimes I wonder if there will be any real repercussions or if she would react at all. But I'm turned off by the thought of being that drunk. Thats a bit interesting I guess, it's not the rape that turns me off, it's the drunkenness. She fucking hurt me pretty bad in the past and that's a bad thing. Maybe that's why I don't think that much of the rape.

4. Opt Out Of Insanity And Instead Choose Drugs

I wonder what I'll do with my life after I leave high school. Everyone says I should be a writer or some shit, those are the same people who say I should be a comedian or some shit. There are people who say I should be the president or some shit. And people who say I could do anything with my life, because I'm just that smart, and it's depressing that I lack ambition and shit. But really, I want to make enough money to open up the restaurant my family has always talked about opening. That's my secret goal. Thats what I've secretly always wanted. Because I'm a faggot, and my dreams don't coincide at all with my skill-set. I'll probably be a writer or some shit.

5. Reveal That You Never Did Drugs

I cuss a lot for artistic value: That's bullshit. I cuss a lot because I love cuss words. But maybe it is artistic in a way. When most people use obscenities it detracts from their writing or point or whatever. But when I cuss it adds to the point and the value and the point. It makes everything just that much stronger. Maybe people who get criticized for their cussing just aren't cussing right. I should teach a fucking class, because I cuss like a champ.

6. Hate Yourself For Being A Liar

Sometimes I want to be an inspiration, and get in stage with a bunch of people waiting to hear me speak, and praying that the curtain drops and they get to hear me say my name and a few pieces of unintelligent bullshit about mainstream media and turning pages and then i'll start to sing some equally arduous song about being yourself and living life and being beautiful and then I'll leave the stage and they'll chant for me and I'll walk back out and the girls will wet their pants and then I'll play the opening chord to some shitty song about sunglasses that sounds like it's about a girl I loved and everyone will sing it for me so that I can stay silent and soak in all the attention I'm getting because I wouldn't be doing it for the love of music, I'd do it for the lack of punctuation.

How To Break Someone's Heart and Not Consider Yourself A Bad Person

1. Find The Right Girl/Guy

"Um, hey. You know Ryan Dilks?"

"Yes?"

"Well he says you're cute"

"Ew."

"Yo, Dilks, she says 'Ew!'"

Fucking smooth, kid. Why did you think that it would be cool to get your friends to tell the girl you like that you like her. That has never been cool. Nobody has ever thought that that was attractive. There was never a girl that said "Ooh, social anxiety and an inability to talk to me without thinking that he looks like a fucking asshole, how cute and charming, I should sleep with him." Nobody likes people who can't say a fucking word. Thats why you go on chat-rooms and night time and masturbate while talking to weird people who are probably 90 year old faggots with beer-bellies anyway and that's a horrible habit to get into, kill yourself.

And so after that inner commentary and I've calmed myself down with rigorous self-hatred, I decide that it's time to like a different girl, and when I do, I end up either being a shy weirdo or being a douchebag and that's a bad thing, and I hate it.

2. Make Them Love You

"I love you, Ryan! You're really sweet. I've never had a boyfriend before, so..."

I would kiss her, but she looks like shit, and I hate the way she tastes. So I just give her a hug and nod. I should tell her that I don't like her but I don't, because I'm having too much fun being an asshole, because being an asshole can be a lot of fun, when you concentrate, I guess. Maybe I should just ignore her for a little bit and see if she stops caring, but I don't think she will, that tactic never really works. Maybe if I cheat on her she'll be inclined to break up with me. But then I remember that she's stupid, and will refuse to break up with me if I cheat. I wish I had the ability to just dump her. Maybe I really do like her. I've made that mistake before.

3. Slowly Distance Yourself (Not To Be Confused With Fucking Their Sibling)


I have a friend who says the word "Fuck" a lot. I do too, but he says it for fun, I use it for artistic value. Anyway, he says fuck a lot and he uses a lot of girls, not to make things hurt less, like I did, he does it because it's fun for him. He thinks it's a game to kiss a girl just to make her feel stupid, or fuck a girl and then, after a few weeks of telling her he loves her, fuck her sister (or brother, a few times.) But his favorite mode of action is to just stop talking to them. Delete their number, and just avoid them. Because they go nuts and he loves it. They spend a little bit of time hating him, but then they just want his cock and it's horrible. Because he gives them his cock and then makes them feel stupid. I have a friend who acts like a douche bag and knows it, and loves it. He says fuck a lot and I wish he wasn't my friend, but apparently I like running around with a bunch of people who make me feel like a better person, simply by being bad people.

4. Let Them Bleed


There was this girl I used to go with whose name was Riley, we weren't technically dating, but thats not the point. The point is actually a few years before we even thought about going out. Back in middle school, actually. We sat next to each other in math and we hated one another for no reason other than the fact that hating one another was so easy. I was a little, scrawny, annoying white kid and she was a bitchy, stuck-up Pinay who had a bad habit of falling in faux-love with my close friends. And naturally, because I'm attracted to things that are fucked-up, I liked her. A lot. We didn't hate each other all the time, actually, we went through cycles of being close and then being enemies. She invited me to her birthday party one day and there was this girl there that I also liked who would go on to be my first girlfriend, and I think she might have kissed me, but I don't know, because I didn't pay much attention, but she was cute. Anyway, Riley hooked us up, to some extent and I liked that. Riley and I went out a little bit, but not really, between my sophomore and junior year, and we broke up and I stalked her and she thinks I still am, but I'm not. I'm just trying to get back in touch, because frankly, it's not worth it to live your whole life hating someone for no real reason.

5. Forget Their Name


I use the words "I used to" A lot. I'm not sure why, but maybe it's because I spend a lot of time being ignored and then finally forgotten about. Anyway, I used to have these friends that I hung out with a lot and did a lot of things with and was moderately close to. We were like, a group. We were, in fact, the group. Only one of them still talks to me, and I don't know why, but one day we just decided to stop being friends. I guess that it's only natural to one day stop giving a shit about people who you used to hang out with, but that's a reality that most people try to avoid.

6. Tell Yourself That It Hurt You, Too.


The key to success in life is to just live until you die, without dwelling on anything except for what was immediate and unavoidable. That's what I tell myself. It makes it easier to sleep at night, especially when you're a kid with no ambition.

I'm Supposed to Be In Love.

May 21st is when the rapture is supposed to start. Thats kind of a shitty thing to have happen, right? Just... God come down and tell us who's right and who's wrong? To have the supreme being and controller of all that is holy tell a bunch of human beings that they were all sinners and deserved to die and burn in hell. The way I see it, I'm okay with going to hell. I think that it'd be okay to be punished, since I made a lot of mistakes in this life and I've sinned a lot. I sort of deserve it. I think I'd be more happy that I didn't just die than anything. I think that punishment, even eternal punishment would be okay. It's not really that big a deal. I've spent a large portion of my life being punished, and that's alright. We all make mistakes, but there is no definitive right, and there is no eternal wrong, so who's to really say that I've made any mistakes? I'm a virgin, so I haven't done all that premarital sex mumbo-jumbo. Of course, I spent a lot of months being a total asshole to a lot of really good people, but at the same time, I've been SUCH a nice guy.

And if you missed the heaping amounts of sarcasm in that post... Nobody can help you.
Ever.

Just To Make Sure That You Don't Hate Me.

Inside out and upside down is I suppose the way that my day went. I had a tough time doing anything because for some reason I felt really anxious.

Oh well.
Maybe tomorrow will be better, right?

God, please let tomorrow be better...

I'm Happy Just Because.

I saw a girl today at Knotts whose shirt said "God Loves Everyone." and I felt like nailing her right then and there. See, I hate people who hate. Hatred is so fucking weak, and so many people at my school are afraid of gays. Whereas I (no shit) Love Faggots. <3

Theres a hermaphrodite at my school without a name, well, she has a name, but we'll call her M. M fell in love with me a long time ago, and I adored it. M liked that I was tolerant. That's most peoples favorite part about me. Anyway, everyone hates her. because she's different, and it sucks to see that.

I have a twenty-something year old, who despite having a boyfriend, is totally attracted to me, and I'm pretty attracted back, He loves me for reasons I can't even fathom, since he's known me for a while. Anyway, I support happiness. And everyone should.

Love always: Ryan Dilks.

ps. I fucking hate quinceneras.

How To Kill Yourself From the Inside Out

1. Establish Yourself as Someone You're Not.

"It's because I don't want to fucking be here, but I'm getting a grade so I guess I'll fucking be here."

I was yelling, I haven't yelled in a long time and there were people staring, but I didn't stop yelling

I probably should have stopped because by the looks of things you didn't like my yelling, but I yelled anyway because I was angry and you weren't listening. Yelling wasn't making anything better, or even making any difference at all, but it felt sort of nice, in a strange, dark sort of way but I wanted to stop, I just wasn't. You tried to calm me down by grabbing my hands and telling me that I could just leave, my shift was over, I didn't need to wash another car, but I couldn't go home with you, and that didn't... it didn't calm me down. So I slapped you.

2. Hate The Person You've "Become"

This time last year I was showing people a picture of a girl that I was proud of myself for using, but I was also dating a girl that didn't live here. I didn't mind that I didn't like either of them, because I didn't feel emotions like that anymore. I didn't mind hurting them because I was blind to love, I didn't love them, I didn't love anyone. Some people probably got hurt, but none of them were me and I was perfectly okay with that, because as far as I was concerned, life wasn't worth living if you didn't have some entertainment every once in a while, even if the entertainment came in the form of hurting a girl that you told day after day "I love you" just so that she might show you her tits.

3. Cry About It, Write Some Poetry and Cut Yourself

I used to know this girl without a name and we said that we were "best friends" despite the fact that we had never met. We were "best friends" and that's what we kept saying. We weren't even allowed to talk, and yet we did some bad things that we shouldn't have done, that hurt some good people that we shouldn't have hurt. Both of us were either in or had just gotten out of pretty horrible relationships and we went to each other for cheap love and kind words, but mostly cheap love. Maybe a distraction from our lives being so shit, right then, but who cares because then she told me she was pregnant, and she lied and I went crazy and I changed and I became a bad person and it sucks.

4. Really, Truly, In All Actuality, Become That Person

When I was a kid my dad had this habit of being an asshole, and he would hit my mom and although I never saw it happen, I just knew. We all did. He was a friendly person until he got mad at random times, and his short fuse reached the end and he lashed out. And so he didn't let her hurt him, because he was too busy hurting her and not many people knew this, but he was my example as a kid. He's the reason why when I grew up, I thought that it was an okay thing to hurt other people because all that really mattered was not getting hurt yourself, and as long as you hurt her before she has the chance to hurt you, you won't ever be hurt but that was a lie that I didn't get my head out of until it was almost too late.

5. Refuse To Get Help

People still, to this day, come to me for advice about things that I have a tough time figuring out for myself and I seem to give them good advice that I can't follow. I'm a lot better at living someone else's life than I am at living my own, and that's a bad thing. But for the longest time I was afraid of asking for advice, even my therapist had a hard time getting through to me, because I didn't want anyone to judge me, in a kind of "only God can judge me" attitude, which is a weird thing for an atheist to feel... Only I can judge me, is really what it is. everyone else can go fuck themselves.

"You are not even that sad anymore. You have no purpose, people like you better when you're sad, but now you've cheered up and nobody likes you anymore."

Except that from now on I've decided that I will hurt no more people, because I'm a pacifist and I don't particularly like who I used to be, even if he isn't that much different from who I am now but that's inconsequential because I've changed, right? I'm a much better person now, right? People still... People still like me, right? Maybe it's true that people like me much better when I'm sad but that's not the point because you're supposed to still like me when I'm happy because you're supposed to want me to be happy but you want me to be sad and I hate that about you. You like me better when I'm sad. Everyone likes me better when I'm sad, because I think that murder is an okay thing, and I think that suicide is alright and I slit my wrists and pretend that nobody else has problems because I like it when my problems are bigger than everyone else's problems because I am a teenager and that's what I do. People feel like if I was always sad I'd have a better idea of the world, because when I am sad I have the strangest thoughts on people and things and life and you.

And you don't even care, because I'm not sad. I'm happy and I don't cut anymore and I don't condone suicide and I think that violence is a bad thing and I don't like drugs and I maybe don't write the same way or give as good advice or think that my problems are that big because I am a happy kid. I am a lucky boy. I have an easy life. But you don't even give a shit because you stopped being my best friend when I started being happy and stopped letting mental illness be my excuse because I was a liar when I was sad and people loved thinking I was someone I wasn't because I thought I was something I wasn't to the point where I made myself something I wasn't but that's not who I am because I live my life for myself now. And that's all that really matters, all else is sure to pass and die, the only thing that's constant in my life is that I will always be me. I will never have a more pleasant facial structure or a nicer skin tone, I will always be pale and ugly and that doesn't matter to me because I love me. And other people love me. Not everyone suddenly hates me because I'm happy, not everyone likes me better sad because I am still fully capable of writing and giving advice and caring about other people and thinking I'm God and lying and having a fucked up view of the world and the people who inhabit it and the things that we should do to make our lives just that much better for the one constant, ourselves.

So you can go suck a dick, because I'm sorry that my sadness makes you happy, but I assure you I am still a loved individual and if that's such a hard concept for you to grasp then you weren't my friend at all in the first place and I strongly regret ever knowing you, you slutty cunt.

Besides, you aren't even a real person.

First with your hands, then with your mouth.

I am sitting in the middle of the field not doing anything in particular when you walk up to me, and I'm wondering why you chose me to walk up to, but you walked up to me. I must have looked lonely because you sat by me, but I wasn't lonely, I must have just looked that way.

You came out to me.

Why does everyone come out to me?
It's not like he just came out to me, he told me he liked me.
I have known him since I was a freshman and he told me he liked me.
He doesn't even know I like dudes.

But you came out to me. You sat with me and held my hand and told me that you were gay and you were attracted to me and I said that I accepted it and embraced it and that I knew. You looked surprised that I knew but I knew. And I would love you to be here right now because maybe it's my turn to come out, but I guess it's not and I have a girlfriend but I'm gay for you. And in reality you did not sit by me on the field or hold my hand because I guess thats where my mind places us, but you did tell me you were gay and I did know that and you did tell me your real name, which I also knew, but that wasn't really the point because I didn't really give a shit and I still don't. But i'm here for you and I want you to know that I love you, and you're dead but I want you to know that I love you. But you won't ever know it because you are dead. But oh well because one day I'll be dead too and I guess that's how life goes and theres someone else I'm gay for and I think I might also love and theres a girl I've been dating for 8 months who I think I might also love but you're you and I'm me and that's it and that's good enough I guess...

But I think I'd rather you be alive.
Because I wan't you to know that I love you.

My new awareness charity is...

I <3 Fags.

I'm coming back.

I have never, more than at this moment, felt like I matter.
I guess it's the cheap, manufactured serenity of my life right now combined with the fact that I completely fail to grasp the fact that when I graduate, I will have no more plans and my life will essentially be over. I have no reason to do anything anymore, and this is a horrible feeling.
I'm graduating and it's scary.
I'm moving forward and I hate it.
I want to stay a little kid. I want my life to be... like it is now. It's so safe.
But in 30 days, my life will be done.
I will have no more plans, no more daily routines.
I'll be on my own with a girlfriend who loves me and a few close friends, but besides them I'll be myself.
Which is a concept I have a hard time getting used to, being myself.
Who would want to be themselves when you could always be someone else who doesn't suck nearly as bad?

But I guess I have to.
Everyone has to, and it's just my turn.
No more sitting here with the certainty that tomorrow I have school and I have to wake up and that's that.
I'll probably cry, I feel like you're supposed to cry at graduation, but I don't really think anyone ever cries because they mean it, I think they cry because they're supposed to, like at a wedding or a funeral.

Graduation is a funeral for your childhood years, that's why everyone dresses in black, probably. To celebrate the death of all the certainty in your life. After you leave school there's really only one thing thats certain, and it comes in the form of death. That's it. You will always die. Everyone has died. In fact, the majority of your time will be spent dead. 100% more people have died, than have lived forever.

You will die.
Everything dies.

Sometimes I write Stories. This one Is Called "Arienette"

"'Don't go,' I guess is what I should have said, but instead I stayed silent and made a half-assed attempt as grabbing your elbow to turn you around. It didn't make a difference, though, since you turned around anyway and looked at me with a sort of plea for me to say something. Anything. But I didn't. I should have told you not to go. But instead I stayed silent. Anyway, you turned and looked at me and I just shut my eyes. And you turned back towards the door and walked out, I could already hear you starting to cry and it ruined my attempts at telling myself I was right and you were wrong. But I just drew a deep breath and shut the door. Before you made it onto the street I was already leaning on the door. I suppose it was more like sitting at the door, but I was still on my feet. And  uh... And you stood there for a second. Hoping, I guess, that I'd open the door and say 'Don't go.' or that I'd say anything but that's unimportant, because I didn't open the door. And I didn't yell at you to stay. I didn't... I didn't...um... Didn't say anything. I just sat at the door and cried a little bit.

"And I guess if maybe I had said something, or grabbed you, or not opened the door for you to leave, or not shut it so quickly, or never... Never had fought with you that you'd still be here. Still be...Be right here. And instead of wandering out onto the sidewalk, I could have drove you. Or walked you. But that didn't happen and now it doesn't matter anyway. 'Cause... Everything happened the way it did and you crossed the street and he ran the red light and you... well... You aren't here.

"Do you remember how you always told me that I put too much blame on myself, when most things were beyond my control entirely? And that I always thought that when a fast food restaurant messed up our order it was because I wasn't, um... wasn't speaking clearly. And you would always do that thing where you played with my ear and say 'Ry it's okay... Things are gonna be fine.' And you would smile at me because I was letting too much effect me and you would say 'I'll just have lettuce on my burger.' and that would be that... They all think that this is one of those times. But I can't bring myself to believe that it wasn't all my fault, so I guess that should be a sign that it really is one of those times but oh well...

"I brought you that hat you liked, and my shirt... They're going to let me bury them with you. And a necklace. And I don't think that I'll ever have another girlfriend because I don't really think I'll be capable of loving someone else but if I do then I'm sorry..."

He took a pause and said a few more words.

"I think I'll be joining you soon."