Sometimes I think that the bitter in you, and the quitter in me is bigger than the both of us

Sometimes i wish you would leave me.
I'm not sick of you yet, is that as good as it gets?


I take it hard, it's hard to take.
I'm wide awake.
one more confession, discretion's not what i need to sell, i never needed a reason for keeping secrets from myself and now that's just how i tell i'm wide-awake i'll wreck this if i have to, tell me what good would that do, i'll wreck this if i have to.


By weekday, I am RyanThomasD!lks, 15 year old band-geek dumbass whore.
By weeknight, I am RyanThomasD!lks, 15 year old poet, professional liar.
On the weekends I am alone.
I suddenly have no life.
No friends.
Nothing to do.
Just me, the computer, and music.
And my phone.
But zero life whatsoever.
Fuck.

I always feel like there's some all-day party I wasn't invited to.
Hm.

she didn't know me

Are you single?"

"yes."

"Good, that means you're interested"

"What makes you think i'm not just honest?"

"Well, I hope you're honest, too. But you don't know me at ALL so the natural instinct would've been to lie. But since you must be interested, you told the truth and said you were single"

"What are the odds that I really am interested, and not simply honest?"

"95%"

"Maybe I fall into the other 5?"

"96%, you're still talking to me."

"haha, you're right, I am interested."

"Knew it."

"You sound like you get alot of practice, you aren't a womanizer right?"

"Not a womanizer.
MY name is Ryan Dilks and I'm just good at what I do, so I do what I'm good at"

"And you're good at getting girls?"

"No, i'm good at talking."

"And being interesting"

"Very."

"So you do this alot?"

"Not with girls"

"So you're gay?"

"Straight."

"Haha, well..."

"73% chance you're still interested"

"I fall into that 73%"

"Good, do you want to go out some time?"

"Too fast. I fall into the other 27%, bye."

FML.

Now don't pretty please me.

It was this afternoon, when you said "I saw them in concert" that I wished i had asked if you wanted to again.
ha.

I'm pathetic.
I can/t even talk to my peers past a couple words.
you're a cutie though, {censored}

I am forever

My name is of no importance, during the course of this post.

My masterpiece is falling apart.
I think I'm destined for someone I don't know.

My name is RyanThomasDilks

And today you kicked me in the face.
I dared you to.
We talked.
You laughed.
I laughed.
I called you pretty.
You didn't hear.
I'm sorry...

You're gorgeous, J[censored]
Don't tell anyone I told you.
I think I like you.
Call me.

this is not the man I hoped to be.

You see.
Growing up i did not want to be RyanThomasD!lks, blogger, writer, poet.
15.455 year old whore.

I wanted to be RyanThomasD!lks, pro baseball player.
15.455year old king.
Astronaut/cowboy/millionaire.
I wanted to cure cancer.
I wanted to fuck the girl who is now my best friend.
I wanted to be RyanThomasD!lks, the boy with a "Monday"

My aspirations have changed.

My life goals:
Find my Laughin' Place.
Get to my room at the HollyWood Tower Hotel.
Lose my virginity.
Have stories to tell, that are as funny as my dads.
Be as sad as the boy I write about in my blogs.

Goodnight, my sweet world of sadness and sorrow.
I set you to sleep once again.
I love you all, whether you love me back or not.

Songs about my childhood:

Singular.
I reminds me of my childhood.
At my Aunt Faiths house with my cousin.
When shit was easier, and we both had a place in the world.
Before things got complicated.
I miss you, Childhood.

I have a confession

I am scared that if I do not find and accept God, my life will continue being like this.
I will be forever stuck in this HighSchool hellhole, of which I am the definition.
I am afraid that if I do not realize that she IS God, I will never be allowed inside of her [head]

I do not want to be like this forever. Sad, scared, dainty, frail, pale, ugly, and a loser. But I fear that I may be.

forever

An excuse. Forever is about to happen in just a few minutes. I am forever. And Goddammit I wish I was something else. I wish I was never. I wish I was you. I wish I was me. I wish I was foreverHAPPY. But instead I am Ryan Thomas Dilks: Loser.

Ryan Thomas Dilks: Child
Ryan Thomas Dilks: Nobody.


I DO NOT EXIST: I am not me. I am not you. I am nothing. I am Time and God. I am Fate and Luck. I am Skill and Power. I am Love and Hate. I am Emotion. I am Guilt. I am the reason you look the way you do. I am Rest. I am Knowledge.
I am a sad child, stuck in this body.
Eternally damned to get struck down everytime he is fully happy.
I am 1000 failed relationships.
I do not know how to be successful. I do not know how to be proud. I am a sad, scary, young man. I wish I knew you, and I wish I could tell you I love you.
I wish I had made an attempt at being more than friends when I still had the chance.
Because I don't like you anymore, but I finally see that you ARE the perfect girl.
You are my best friend and I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
And for some reason, you love me back.
Even though you know things about me.
Even though you know I am a stalker.
even though you know I am a liar.

I care for you more than myself.
It is a sad truth.
But Darling, it's the full truth.

But you are NOT the only one I love beyond reason.
I Love all of 2-3.
With all my heart.
My brothers.

I love my sisters and brothers.
I love my mother, and my father.
I love my curse words and violence.

I love living my life as if it is a movie.
Because it is.
I am a child.
I am not, however, childish.
I am a boy.
I am not, however, masculine.
I am a liar.
I am not, however, a deceiver.
I am a fool.
I am not, however, foolish.
I am a lover.
I am not, however, in love.

Because I lack the intelligence to love.
I believe that love is an emotion, too often spoken, and scarcely shown.
To love is not to say it.
To love is not to make it.
To love is not to hold hands and share a long conversation.

To love is to hand your heart to the people you care most about, and let them inside of it.
To love is to sing your spidersong for your best friend, and sister, even though they might be the same person.
To love is to hold that persons hand and help them through the saddest and darkest times of their lives.

So yes.
I did love you.
And yes.
I do love you.
But no.
I will not stop loving you.

Because this is not what I do (9Crimes)
All my faces are alibis (Alibis)
And I am the spider (SpiderSong)
But i am not fine, i am in pain (Better that we break)
But you are helping me through, because you know, my darling, that is what you do. (You)

I wont say anything at all.

A fellow blogger, Rapha, had this idea to post our desktop backgrounds:


The PORN folder is empty.
It's just there for fun.

Theres a little bit of you in all this.

!

"I know how to get a girl. If she does not know me, and I want her, I use my powers of fucked up persuasion to get her."
"How do you do it?"
"Step one. Get into her head."
"Mmhm."
"Step two. Get into her hands"
"yeah?"
"Step four. Get into her pants."
"And step three?"
"All details."

I am a Child

!

I like you.
I like her.
I like her too.
She is your friend.
She is in color guard.
You're still the best.
I like you.
and I L!ke you a lot.
I shall see you tomorrow.
Goodn!ght.

BOOMBAM@

I am tired.
I am Going to stop using contractions in my writing.
It makes things look very messy.
All those commas.
So there you have it.
I am tired.
I am listening to Cage The Elephant.
I am a boy.

I am a Freak [ReWrite.]

Dear Beautiful girls who keep on inserting yourselves into my life:
I hate you all.
My name is ryan thomas dilks and this is advice:

Stop being a coward and go

okay?
No matter what you're holding yourself back from doing:
Stop being a coward and go.
Because "I tried" is just a grown-up way of saying "I gave up"
So next time you say you tried.
Remember what you're really saying.
You're saying you tried once [twice. thrice.] and gave up, deeming it impossible.
But:
Impossible is nothing.
impossible is a grown-up word for: Too Hard to Try.
But if you never try, you'll never succeed.
And if you never succeed, you'll always fail.
And failure is unacceptable, if you never try.

Giving up is to fail without trying.
to fail without trying is to be a coward.
To be a coward is to deem something impossible.
To deem something impossible is to give up.
My name is Ryan Thomas Dilks.
And this is advice.

I am a whore.

Not even fifteen minutes later
I'm still walking down the street,
When I saw a shadow of a man creep out of sight.
Then he walks up from behind
And puts a gun up to my head,
He made it clear he wasn't looking for a fight.
He said "Give me all you've got
I want your money not your life,
But if you try to make a move I won't think twice."
I said "You can have my cash
But first you know I got to ask
What made you want to live this kind of life?"

He said "There ain't no rest for the wicked,
Money don't grow on trees.
I got bills to pay,
I got mouths to feed,
There ain't nothing in this world for free.
I know I can't slow down,
I can't hold back,
Though you know, I wish I could.
No there ain't no rest for the wicked,
Until we close our eyes for good".





Cage The Elephant: Aint no rest for the wicked.
I like that song.

I am a stalker.

I am a creep.
I am a loser.
I am insane.
I am a lunatic.
I am a child.
I am a stalker.
I am a creep.

i did it for you, love.
i did it for you.
they think that they know us
we know it aint true.
you're leaving me, now, so this is goodbye.
you've left me to rot, how i hope that you die.

BOOM BAM@

It had to happen someday, and I'm glad it happened now.
The words that I was holding back finally came out of my mouth.
I hope that when you hear this you agree that i'm the one
the only boy that ever treated you like you were worth the time.
Even though, as it turns out you really weren't you simply lied
tried time and time again to keep me from getting inside
That pretty little head of yours that you tried to lock down
but i got in with my dick of key. And now i'm letting you drown.

I hope that you don't hear this until it's too late.
I hope that you don't care if any other girls say they can relate.
I hope that you still think of me when you're touching yourself.
Because I know that you're the only one, that I'm not touching too.

i slept with you twice.

And I told EVERYONE about it.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.


Anyways.
Freshman has a myspace.
I have it.
Let the fun begin.

What if it was fake?

He sticks the needle in at three,
injects himself with poetry.
Sends metaphors running through his veins,
hope they stay long enough to ease his pain.
Fills his pulse with lies, and rhymes, and songs
the words to help him lead her on.
And now he's so full of lovely lines,
that he no longer sees the signs.
He's coming towards his finals days,
and he squeaks this out, on his bed, he lays.
He says, "I'm leaving, child, i'll soon be gone."
and he departs, with one final song.
The song is short, the song is sweet.
it goes "I part for now, but again, we'll meet"
So Goodbye, my poet, my genius, my guide.
I'll forever wait, until I too, may die.
Because one day i'll be with you again,
but until that day, this is the end.
So I too will take my needle, here
and stick it in, my words endeared.
So I too have poems in my blood,
Goodbye my poet, for I am done.

It's not fine, not okay.

I never knew perfection til
I heard you speak, and now it kills me
Just to hear you say the simple things
Now waking up is hard to do
And sleeping is impossible too
Everything is reminding me of you
What can I do?


god damnnnn
haha

NOTE TO SELF:
"I wish she would wear shorts every day" is not an appropriate thing to say when you're referring to someone who's 5 yards away.

I never knew perfection till I heard you speak.

I just need a little of your to say the words that I never said.

<3

Freshman has a boyfriend.
Fuck it, it's highschool, rightup?



ps. remember that whole "Romantic-comedy" joke a couple weeks back?
I was serious.

I have no name.(idon'texist)

OH.
MY.
GOD.
SHE LIKES ME BACK.

Her name is [undisclosed]
She's a Freshman in band and plays the [undisclosed]
I'm so excited.
I have two classes with herrrr.
band(obv.) and [undisclosed]

We will refer to her in here as Freshman.

she's REALLLY pretty

The end of summer.

It was a cold day of summer, and the freshmen were sitting inside of the auditorium waiting for orientation to start.
A young man walked slowly to the stage, and a light fell on him.
"Good Morning, freshmen" He announced, "My name is Ryan Thomas Dilks, and this school is horrible. But you guys aren't listening to me talk about the school, I'm here to talk about what summer is like once you get to highschool..."

My name is Ryan Thomas Dilks, and my summer was filled with love, hatred, violent threats, lies, and most recently, Fun.

Summer started like any other, hurrying out of school, to run home and start it. Getting home was the fun part, The Girl Across The Way wanted to hang out. And I like The Girl Across The Way. So we hung out. Talked, mostly. Got to know eachother... I thought I was in love...
CRASH.
BURN.
(i have no name, i don't exist)
Still, a pretty average summer.
And then I remembered HER.
We "dated" for two months, and in those two months:
I kissed her (Sorta)
I loved her
I got in a fight with TX#2
and with TX#1
CRASH.
BURN.
She's over me, she says.
We can still be friends, she says.*
So to heal my pain (And to celebrate my fathers birthday) I go to disneyland.
While I'm at disneyland, I like to take full advantage of the fact that there are girls there, right?
So i'm sitting there, enjoying my meal.
I stand up and I'm carrying my soda, you following me so far?
Now, imagine this as if you were watching it in a movie:
I throw my trash away and go to take a drink of my "Large Orange Fanta" I glance at hot girl#4852 and she smiles at me.
I move my soda back down, swallow, and start to walk away...

My knee hits the cup, and my "Large Orange Fanta" spills all over the floor.
Hot Girl#4852 is laughing at me.
FML

So we get on indiana jones.
It's night.
The ride breaks down and stops in the DARKEST FUCKING PART OF THE RIDE.
Quick list of my fears, in order:
The dark
Dying alone
The future
Clowns
so when I'm stuck on the pitch black part of the ride, its no surprise that I go into a panic.
That's NOT the worst part.
Guess who's sitting near me, while i have this freakout.

hot girl#4852

FML.

I love summer.
My name is Ryan Thomas Dilks, and I'm about to eat a breakfast burrito.

*She lied.

I've been to heaven and i've been to hell.

I found no sanctity in either of them.
I'll live my eternity in purgatory.
That's where I'm stuck right now anyway.

My name is Ryan Thomas Dilks

And this is my Spidersong.

I have no name, I don't exist.
I keep telling myself that.
So that I don't go insane.

My name is Ryan Thomas Dilks, i just kinda wish it wasn't.
I'm sorry to everyone I've ever hurt.
Everyone I've ever betrayed.
Everyone I've ever lied to.
I'm sorry I'm me.
But it's much better than the ladder.
It's much better than:
Mr. Smooth talk
Mr. Sly smile
Mr. Hello, Piggie
Mr. User
Mr. Abuser
Mr. Jeremiah [Jeremy] Sebastian.
Age 16.
Ontario California.

I AM NOBODY.
I HAVE NO NAME.
I DON'T EXIST.

My name is Ryan Thomas Dilks.
And THIS is my spidersong.

Ahahaha, You again, right?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAH
FUCK YOU GUYS, I FIGURED YOU OUT, ROCKAAAAA

OHMYGOD, THAT IS JUST LIKE ME, EH?
they didn't say "Eh" enough though, but Daddies and Child was spot on.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't remember the person who texted me, saying their name was Heather.
I know who you are, Child.
You don't win.

To the music, in your head.

Lay in bed, on rainy days, and I'll hold you like a child, and kiss your head.
But all these states are in my way, so I won't be there tonight.
But soon the day will come when I wake up in a bed next to you.

That song.
Gives me.
The biggest.
Chills.
Ever.

Day 34: the word you're weilding like a knife

I'm taking this easier, than I took Destiny, for some reason.
It's surreal, but I'm happy it happened this way, instead of because of a fight or something.
I'll always be your friend, I'll always love you.

Everyone who's been here for me, the last 2 months, thank you.
You've gotten to see me, in the happiest moments of my life, and I only have one person to blame for that.

I think I'm still going to heaven.
You've still saved my life.
You've made me feel... like a prince...

i-i hate you...
Goodbye, young tutor, you've now outgrown me.