Black Jack, 21.
It's either a game of skill or one of luck, depending on how you play.
So is life.
You either learn to play, or you wait for your time to come, either way, you can succeed and you can fail.
See, life is a gamble.
One choice that you make opens up 1,000 new ones right ahead of you.
You can only make the right one.
There are no wrong choices in life, as they all open up a new window.
I'm way too insightful...
Not even just ^ that.
theres more about tonight that's really made me realize that I have a gift...
A gift of finding the truth where it's hidden.
What does that make me?
Am I God?
Am I a boy?
Am I Even?
Am I odd?
Am I an asker/seeker/finder?
The real answer is none of the above.
I am Ryan Thomas Dilks.
20090425
20090424
Day Twenty: Tonight, rat poison for dinner.
So I'd like to start with, Rest In Peace Mrs. Connie Wilhite, mother of our band program.
I loved you, we'll miss you, you'll always be remembered.
We were all very lucky to have known you.
And then I saw something that made me sick to my stomach:
http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/04/23/bullying.suicide/index.html
That's seriously disgusting.
Why wouldn't you say anything?
Why didn't anyone step up for this kid?
This touches my heart so much because I remember being the boy his age who was always picked on, and that kinda made me a better person nowadays, because me and my friends step in when someone is being made to feel weak.
Disgusting.
Goodness.
I loved you, we'll miss you, you'll always be remembered.
We were all very lucky to have known you.
And then I saw something that made me sick to my stomach:
http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/04/23/bullying.suicide/index.html
That's seriously disgusting.
Why wouldn't you say anything?
Why didn't anyone step up for this kid?
This touches my heart so much because I remember being the boy his age who was always picked on, and that kinda made me a better person nowadays, because me and my friends step in when someone is being made to feel weak.
Disgusting.
Goodness.
20090423
I wrote a song
Mmhm, sorry Mrs.White I don't always do the work in your class
Forgive: Forget, by Highschool low
it's day one forgive, forget that we're apart
I know it's dead, but hard to start.
And i'll keep writing empty love songs
and when I look into your face
I'm returned to the place
where everything is back the way it was.
Chorus:
There's no bridge, no chorus.
No hook will reach out for us.
and I'm stuck looking back into the night.
And all these empty feelings,
Stars crashing through our ceilings.
we are not to find our way back home,
cause this, we know, is where we both belong
And when the lights go out
I'm stuck staring at your mouth
Wheres a place that I can call my own?
this is how we find our seperate homes
Chorus(x2)
And take me out, and drop me off this is the end
And we can sleep in seperate beds.
But don't forget that you're my friend.
And when we're looking back
I hope that we can share a laugh
because we know this is where it all begins.
chorus
And when the stars go out,
I'm leaving here without a doubt,
and then we can go back and begin.
(faster now, look me in the eyes and mean it!)
Who told my life to be a fairy tale?
Who said I had to be so fair and pale?
And when did feelings turn into a song?
Who knew we'd love eachother all life long?
Philosopher; Tell me how I'm supposed to feel
when nothing else at all seems real.
if life is a dream
I won't be woken by the screams.
Forgive: Forget, by Highschool low
it's day one forgive, forget that we're apart
I know it's dead, but hard to start.
And i'll keep writing empty love songs
and when I look into your face
I'm returned to the place
where everything is back the way it was.
Chorus:
There's no bridge, no chorus.
No hook will reach out for us.
and I'm stuck looking back into the night.
And all these empty feelings,
Stars crashing through our ceilings.
we are not to find our way back home,
cause this, we know, is where we both belong
And when the lights go out
I'm stuck staring at your mouth
Wheres a place that I can call my own?
this is how we find our seperate homes
Chorus(x2)
And take me out, and drop me off this is the end
And we can sleep in seperate beds.
But don't forget that you're my friend.
And when we're looking back
I hope that we can share a laugh
because we know this is where it all begins.
chorus
And when the stars go out,
I'm leaving here without a doubt,
and then we can go back and begin.
(faster now, look me in the eyes and mean it!)
Who told my life to be a fairy tale?
Who said I had to be so fair and pale?
And when did feelings turn into a song?
Who knew we'd love eachother all life long?
Philosopher; Tell me how I'm supposed to feel
when nothing else at all seems real.
if life is a dream
I won't be woken by the screams.
20090422
And looking back, I wish I'd never even fallen for her.
That's really all I'm going to say.
I'll miss you, you said you wanted me out of your life...
goodbye...
20090420
day Nineteen. and I have smoked away my pride
Ryan:
I'm not over her yet... I should be, but I'm not.
We broke up because of ME.
I was the reason.
I know and she does too.
I never deserved her at all.
But I want her back so badly, she's the only thing keeping me alive.
She keeps using the word break.
I hope she's right.
I pray to God that she comes back to me.
I'm still in love with her.
We broke up because of ME.
I was the reason.
I know and she does too.
I never deserved her at all.
But I want her back so badly, she's the only thing keeping me alive.
She keeps using the word break.
I hope she's right.
I pray to God that she comes back to me.
I'm still in love with her.
But Dilks:
I'm not over her yet.
Nothing about her, I'm still hopelessly in love with this girl.
But we're done because I hurt her...
I didn't know how to take no for an answer, I suppose...
but this.. this Dallas kid.
I don't know...
I want her to be happy...
but at the same time, secretly, I want him to be a bigger douche than I was.
Not so that she get's hurt.
But so that she sees how good Ryan really is.
Because she's worked Dilks to the bone, and I'm nearly gone.
needless to say.
I'm also still in love with her.
Nothing about her, I'm still hopelessly in love with this girl.
But we're done because I hurt her...
I didn't know how to take no for an answer, I suppose...
but this.. this Dallas kid.
I don't know...
I want her to be happy...
but at the same time, secretly, I want him to be a bigger douche than I was.
Not so that she get's hurt.
But so that she sees how good Ryan really is.
Because she's worked Dilks to the bone, and I'm nearly gone.
needless to say.
I'm also still in love with her.
,[Ryan]Dilks
This ^ is the one I prefer.
This ^ is the one I prefer.
20090416
(me having fun with the random question)
Never mind the turtle. Don't you think you're sure to win?
Answer:
Unless I'm the Hare, I wasn't in the race in the first place.
question:
The first time you had your shoes taken off - how surprised were you to see that you still had toes?
Answer:
Possibly very.
Q:
This is a colon : and this is a semi-colon ; - what's a semi-truck?
A:
Obviously neither of the above... but... judging by those two examples it's half truck half comma?
Q:
You're wearing a sweater that stretches down to your feet. What color belt do you put on?
A:
Well, what color is the sweater? I can't have them clash.
Q:
If you were a pirate, how would you avoid laughing when saying 'poop deck'?
A:
First off, I AM a pirate.
Second off, you just say 'ARRRRRGH' and hope you don't sound too provocative.
Q:
When you spilled the milk, did it look like the moon?
A:
Well... The moon is large, spherical, and craterous.
My spilled milk was shaped like a blotch, fairly small in comparison, and smooth.
In short: no.
Q:
Foxes are clever and tigers are cunning. So, what's your cat's safety school?
A:
Annoying as fu*k
Q:
Well, maybe they don't need them, but don't you think that some fish might like a bicycle?A:
No.
Why would you even ASK that?
Q:
If you could peer far enough into the night sky, you'd see a star in any direction you looked. When would you sleep?
A:
When I went inside and stopped looking at the f#@%ing stars.
Q:
Try writing your name with your other hand. Where was that person raised?
A:
Ontario?
That's all for now, I just got bored.
Answer:
Unless I'm the Hare, I wasn't in the race in the first place.
question:
The first time you had your shoes taken off - how surprised were you to see that you still had toes?
Answer:
Possibly very.
Q:
This is a colon : and this is a semi-colon ; - what's a semi-truck?
A:
Obviously neither of the above... but... judging by those two examples it's half truck half comma?
Q:
You're wearing a sweater that stretches down to your feet. What color belt do you put on?
A:
Well, what color is the sweater? I can't have them clash.
Q:
If you were a pirate, how would you avoid laughing when saying 'poop deck'?
A:
First off, I AM a pirate.
Second off, you just say 'ARRRRRGH' and hope you don't sound too provocative.
Q:
When you spilled the milk, did it look like the moon?
A:
Well... The moon is large, spherical, and craterous.
My spilled milk was shaped like a blotch, fairly small in comparison, and smooth.
In short: no.
Q:
Foxes are clever and tigers are cunning. So, what's your cat's safety school?
A:
Annoying as fu*k
Q:
Well, maybe they don't need them, but don't you think that some fish might like a bicycle?A:
No.
Why would you even ASK that?
Q:
If you could peer far enough into the night sky, you'd see a star in any direction you looked. When would you sleep?
A:
When I went inside and stopped looking at the f#@%ing stars.
Q:
Try writing your name with your other hand. Where was that person raised?
A:
Ontario?
That's all for now, I just got bored.
day eighteen; what do those hissy-fits teach you except how to cry, pussy, cry?
So, I went to therapy this morning.
I dunno, It's always noce to talk to someone about things and not feel inhibited.
I also took a personality disorder test today.
I might be Histrionic.
At least, I read up on it and it SOUNDS like me.
God, I love food.
That's why we're gonna eat diner soon.
I also love this band.
And this song in particular.
It's about being obsessive... Like in a relationship
You should listen to it, it's got the greatest lyrics in the world.
-after dinner-
Do you know what's odd?
The fact that I noticed how my left arm does things on it's own sometimes...
Not like... majorly, but the fingers twitch a lot on that hand, and sometimes while I'm walking, it moves up and traces on my chest without me thinking about it.
I would kill for it to rain right now.
I love the rain.
Not like, in a depressed way, but I just do.
-shiver-
OHMAN, Mrs.White, I heard about you being worried this morning, I'm fine.
I was kinda sick for the past couple days, but I'm fine now.
"there's a man assigned to me, and he checks on my sta-b-i-lity."
^maxbemis
He's a freaking role model.
Well, he's mine at least.
He's a genius...
and he's beaten drugs and a lot of other things too.
He got married the other day.
is that weird that I can tell you a lot of details about his wedding to Sherri Dupree?
started at 6
got married in an abandoned church in spain
he got in an argument with his brother during the wedding
he played the song "cemetary" for her as his vows.
awesome right?
i'm a super-fan of that man.
-shiver-
I'm pretty sure that's all for now...
No... philosophy, really.
just an update.
Much love
,RyanThomasDilks
ps. "No matter what, even if I take my meds and I heal myself I'll still be insane."
-Max Bemis
I dunno, It's always noce to talk to someone about things and not feel inhibited.
I also took a personality disorder test today.
I might be Histrionic.
At least, I read up on it and it SOUNDS like me.
God, I love food.
That's why we're gonna eat diner soon.
I also love this band.
And this song in particular.
It's about being obsessive... Like in a relationship
You should listen to it, it's got the greatest lyrics in the world.
-after dinner-
Do you know what's odd?
The fact that I noticed how my left arm does things on it's own sometimes...
Not like... majorly, but the fingers twitch a lot on that hand, and sometimes while I'm walking, it moves up and traces on my chest without me thinking about it.
I would kill for it to rain right now.
I love the rain.
Not like, in a depressed way, but I just do.
-shiver-
OHMAN, Mrs.White, I heard about you being worried this morning, I'm fine.
I was kinda sick for the past couple days, but I'm fine now.
"there's a man assigned to me, and he checks on my sta-b-i-lity."
^maxbemis
He's a freaking role model.
Well, he's mine at least.
He's a genius...
and he's beaten drugs and a lot of other things too.
He got married the other day.
is that weird that I can tell you a lot of details about his wedding to Sherri Dupree?
started at 6
got married in an abandoned church in spain
he got in an argument with his brother during the wedding
he played the song "cemetary" for her as his vows.
awesome right?
i'm a super-fan of that man.
-shiver-
I'm pretty sure that's all for now...
No... philosophy, really.
just an update.
Much love
,RyanThomasDilks
ps. "No matter what, even if I take my meds and I heal myself I'll still be insane."
-Max Bemis
20090410
Day Seventeen: The teachers lable all us dreamers fools.
So.
Why?
Why is it that when everything looks good a single pebble has to hit our building in the right way that it causes it to fall?
Not just to me, this happens to EVERYONE.
And there's no way to make it stop.
I'd ask you to pray for me.
But who's going to hear it right?
I prefer not to SPEAK with God.
But to talk to Him.
Talking doesn't require a listener.
Only a talker.
So if you see me walking down the street talking to, seemingly, myself.
I'm not.
Just turn to the first person to call me crazy and say, "He's talking to God."
I'm saying, "God, rub your q-tip, yeah?"
God is saying, "Hm, I think I'm gonna go to sleep."
I'm saying, "God, are you even up there?"
God is saying, "I think I'll check out my Earth first, real quick."
And he leads people to believe he cares on accident.
Poor guy.
RyanDilks
(has it better off than God)
Why?
Why is it that when everything looks good a single pebble has to hit our building in the right way that it causes it to fall?
Not just to me, this happens to EVERYONE.
And there's no way to make it stop.
I'd ask you to pray for me.
But who's going to hear it right?
I prefer not to SPEAK with God.
But to talk to Him.
Talking doesn't require a listener.
Only a talker.
So if you see me walking down the street talking to, seemingly, myself.
I'm not.
Just turn to the first person to call me crazy and say, "He's talking to God."
I'm saying, "God, rub your q-tip, yeah?"
God is saying, "Hm, I think I'm gonna go to sleep."
I'm saying, "God, are you even up there?"
God is saying, "I think I'll check out my Earth first, real quick."
And he leads people to believe he cares on accident.
Poor guy.
RyanDilks
(has it better off than God)
20090407
Day Sixteen: I have played God
lolkew (10:40:26 PM): In biology, remember when we put the bacteria on the petri dish?
lolkew (10:40:31 PM): and had a culture?
weirdobeaglez (10:40:35 PM): Mhmm
lolkew (10:40:44 PM): That's what I think of god.
lolkew (10:40:58 PM): Did you, look at it every moment of everyday?
lolkew (10:41:08 PM): or a couple times in the course of that week?
weirdobeaglez (10:41:21 PM): Mmmmm
weirdobeaglez (10:41:27 PM): Well my class didn't do the lab
weirdobeaglez (10:41:36 PM): But we saw our teacher's other classes do it
lolkew (10:41:49 PM): Did they do the first or the second?
lolkew (10:42:07 PM): you know, by the way.
you know the answer to that question.
lolkew (10:42:08 PM): (:
weirdobeaglez (10:42:44 PM): Hohoh
weirdobeaglez (10:42:44 PM): ;o
weirdobeaglez (10:42:46 PM): I dunno
weirdobeaglez (10:42:49 PM): I think the first
lolkew (10:43:00 PM): Shut up, you know it was the second
lolkew (10:43:01 PM): haha
lolkew (10:43:46 PM): Now, had you been doing the lab, would you have, upon observing your plate, Opened it, even if for a few seconds?
lolkew (10:43:53 PM): or tampered with it in any other way?
weirdobeaglez (10:45:19 PM): Probably
lolkew (10:46:27 PM): (; Thats God.
lolkew (10:46:36 PM): HE made earth as an expiriment.
lolkew (10:46:48 PM): Now he kinda just checks on us.
lolkew (10:47:11 PM): and every now and then he rubs us with a q-tip again, or shakes us a bit.
lolkew (10:47:15 PM): just because he can.
lolkew (10:47:36 PM): Those Bacteria were praying to me for food, and a mate.
lolkew (10:47:40 PM): I couldn't hear them.
lolkew (10:47:52 PM): they prayed for me to kepp them safe over night.
lolkew (10:47:56 PM): I couldn't hear them.
lolkew (10:48:17 PM): but in my opening the plate for a second, I answered some of their prayers.
lolkew (10:48:28 PM): but, destroyed others.
lolkew (10:48:39 PM): God cannot hear Us.
lolkew (10:48:55 PM): he can only do what he feels like at a specific time, and for some it works out.
lolkew (10:49:02 PM): and for some it doesn't.
lolkew (10:49:12 PM): so, In a way.
lolkew (10:49:24 PM): That lab was us playing God.
weirdobeaglez (10:49:36 PM): I like your mentality
lolkew (10:49:42 PM): Thank you, haha.
lolkew (10:49:55 PM): I always have a lot to say when I exit the shower.
That conversation took place between me and my friend last night.
I realized, I really am a genius.
I might not want to be, but i am.
Have a good day.
RyanThomasDilks
(Think)
lolkew (10:40:31 PM): and had a culture?
weirdobeaglez (10:40:35 PM): Mhmm
lolkew (10:40:44 PM): That's what I think of god.
lolkew (10:40:58 PM): Did you, look at it every moment of everyday?
lolkew (10:41:08 PM): or a couple times in the course of that week?
weirdobeaglez (10:41:21 PM): Mmmmm
weirdobeaglez (10:41:27 PM): Well my class didn't do the lab
weirdobeaglez (10:41:36 PM): But we saw our teacher's other classes do it
lolkew (10:41:49 PM): Did they do the first or the second?
lolkew (10:42:07 PM): you know, by the way.
you know the answer to that question.
lolkew (10:42:08 PM): (:
weirdobeaglez (10:42:44 PM): Hohoh
weirdobeaglez (10:42:44 PM): ;o
weirdobeaglez (10:42:46 PM): I dunno
weirdobeaglez (10:42:49 PM): I think the first
lolkew (10:43:00 PM): Shut up, you know it was the second
lolkew (10:43:01 PM): haha
lolkew (10:43:46 PM): Now, had you been doing the lab, would you have, upon observing your plate, Opened it, even if for a few seconds?
lolkew (10:43:53 PM): or tampered with it in any other way?
weirdobeaglez (10:45:19 PM): Probably
lolkew (10:46:27 PM): (; Thats God.
lolkew (10:46:36 PM): HE made earth as an expiriment.
lolkew (10:46:48 PM): Now he kinda just checks on us.
lolkew (10:47:11 PM): and every now and then he rubs us with a q-tip again, or shakes us a bit.
lolkew (10:47:15 PM): just because he can.
lolkew (10:47:36 PM): Those Bacteria were praying to me for food, and a mate.
lolkew (10:47:40 PM): I couldn't hear them.
lolkew (10:47:52 PM): they prayed for me to kepp them safe over night.
lolkew (10:47:56 PM): I couldn't hear them.
lolkew (10:48:17 PM): but in my opening the plate for a second, I answered some of their prayers.
lolkew (10:48:28 PM): but, destroyed others.
lolkew (10:48:39 PM): God cannot hear Us.
lolkew (10:48:55 PM): he can only do what he feels like at a specific time, and for some it works out.
lolkew (10:49:02 PM): and for some it doesn't.
lolkew (10:49:12 PM): so, In a way.
lolkew (10:49:24 PM): That lab was us playing God.
weirdobeaglez (10:49:36 PM): I like your mentality
lolkew (10:49:42 PM): Thank you, haha.
lolkew (10:49:55 PM): I always have a lot to say when I exit the shower.
That conversation took place between me and my friend last night.
I realized, I really am a genius.
I might not want to be, but i am.
Have a good day.
RyanThomasDilks
(Think)
20090401
Day the Fifteenth: Big news.
I'm getting published.
This blog.
I found out.
Is going to be.
Made into.
A book.
And published.
The publisher is "Avril Poisson Books"
I'm like mega excited, like super mega excited.
Apparently the letter I wrote to them about my blog got read, and they liked it.
A letter got here two days ago.
Of course I'm at my moms house, so I didn't have it yet.
I'm happy.
I dunno when it's going to ACTUALLY be published, but I have to write a foreword and all that.
I told them I want to go at least 15 more days before I allow it to be published.
OHMYGOD.
woot!
,ryanthomasdilks
Philosopher
This blog.
I found out.
Is going to be.
Made into.
A book.
And published.
The publisher is "Avril Poisson Books"
I'm like mega excited, like super mega excited.
Apparently the letter I wrote to them about my blog got read, and they liked it.
A letter got here two days ago.
Of course I'm at my moms house, so I didn't have it yet.
I'm happy.
I dunno when it's going to ACTUALLY be published, but I have to write a foreword and all that.
I told them I want to go at least 15 more days before I allow it to be published.
OHMYGOD.
woot!
,ryanthomasdilks
Philosopher
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