Could you stay forever and a day?

I woke up this morning at 6:30ish and checked my phone.
Nothing.
I fall back asleep.

I wake up this morning at 9:30ish and check my phone.
Everything.

I get on my laptop and talk to people.
Nothing.

I get off and play videogames.
Everything.

Moral of this story:
Call me when you're home alone, that way I can listen to you moan my name.

My girlfriend redid my myspace.

my name is Ryan.
i'm 15.
i ♥ Rdoll.
cause she's amazing & the best chick in the whole world.
i talk to her religiously.
she says my voice is sexy.
i go to OHS.
i'm cool.
:]

^that is my about me.

You sound like static.

Reagan Wynter sent me an email this morning.
I cried.
Non-stop.
That is all.

Day 28: Billy Mays died today.

Yeah, sucks...

It's weird how life positions events...
Yesterday, im in a shitty mood, because I was bawling my eyes out over Chloe, and I couldn't talk to Riley, I had told myself that Riley hated me when I get a sudden IM saying "Baby, what's wrong?" it's from Riley. Today I'm thinking in my head "Hm, Yesterday I was going to see Destiny, but then I fucked everything right up" and I get a text from (guess who)
TXgirl. Destiny...

I am cool, too cold to call you, far too stoned to leave my bed.

Haha, so yes. My day started with a giant "FML"
and now it's a huge pile of "How come she knows exactly what to say right when I need to hear it?"

A letter to Reagan Wynter...

I'm sorry...

FUCK
I'm crying.
I feel pathetic.
Like a small child.
But god damn it.
Like, it's my fault I don't have her anymore.
And if I could go back in time to the day we fought, I'd change everything.
I'd laugh it off,
I wouldn't cuss you out.
I'm sorry...

Poem/short story

He slept /right/ through it


Beep. beep. beep.
He slept right through it.
Beep. Beep. beep
He slept right through it.
"WAKE UP!"
He slept right through it.
His door flew open, there was a scream.
He slept right through it.
She pulled a note from the pocket of his hanging corpse and read:
"I couldn't take it.
Five months ago, I went on a date with perfection.
Since that time, I've kissed her, licked her, and fucked her.
I said I loved her, she said the same thing.
After a month, the voices warned me:
"Kill her. Or she'll kill you."
I silenced them with drugs.
Two weeks ago I heard she was cheating, yet refused to believe it.
The voices came back:
"Time's almost up, dollie, kill her."
I ignored.
Yesterday I saw it.
Her making out with my best friend.
And while I set up my place, and wrote this note...
The voices whispered their final warning."
He slept right through it.
She looked up at his body, and there, carved into his chest, were weird markings.
She screamed
He slept right through it
She turned around, and saw in the mirror.
Carved into his chest, the words
"We told you so, darling."
he slept right through it.

Waltz around the house alone.

I'll wait for you.
-sigh-

My phone was taken away (Yippee)
Pretty much, the only thing keeping me happy is RileyDoll...
I mean... Yeah...

I'm not even allowed on the computer very long.
Not only that, it's not like I can sneak on my phone (which is /right/ next to my head)
She put a lock code on it.
Probably her PIN# too, so that I can't guess it, and she can't forget it.

GOD DAMN.
TAKE ME

My name is Never.

Officially the best day ever.
I met RileyDolls friends.
And we got along amazingly.
(KANDYCE IS TINY)
"Fuck the backseaters"
Ahaha
Held hands all day.

I kissed herrrrr.
<3
I held her,
We talked on the phone.
Whattaday

But most of all

You have no idea how much you mean to me. I love you and I'm so happy I told you that I like you. You're the best person in the world, and I've fallen so hard for you. RDoll, you have my heart, and I can't think of anyone who deserves it more. Every time I listen to our song, you're all I can think of. Hell, you're all I think of at any time. You've invaded my mind. You've taken over my heart. I love you so much, you're beautiful and an amazing person. Every moment we spend talking is amazing. All the Bread Boxes, Toasters, and Fruitbowls. This is all for you, lovely. In the past I've written stories and poems for people, but TXgirl had to ask me. For you, I can just write them all day, and never lose my inspiration. But in reality, I'm just a fool with a pen and paper, the only reason my writing is beautiful is because you are. My baby, one day I'll wake up by your side. You mean everything to me. You're the only girl I need, thank you for being here. I love you. Always.

We're all right where we're supposed to be.

"Time means nothing"♥

WAS! is an amazing band.
(We are Scientists!)

Day 27: Oh, what marvelous things.

It's 12:58 and I currently need:

A razor, A shave, A toothbrush, A Hat, Sunglasses, Music, RileyDoll, A pen, Some inspiration, A shirt, To shop, Someone to talk to, It to be tomorrow, A hug, A reason, To meet Max Bemis, To communicate.

It's 1:00 and I currently Have:
A cold, Some Bracelets, Good Music, A heart, A soul, A phone, A life.

Welcome to Ryan Thomas Dilks.
It's a long and winding road through his heart.
And on either side of the road are corpses.
Not many people make it through this valley of death.

Bite me.

MakeUpTheBreakdown

yesterday was the 20th.
It was the best 20th I've ever had.
Ever.
Thank you Rileydoll, for helping that happen.
I love you forever, you're all I need.

DEAR FATHER,
I wish I could be spending this fathers day With you.
I wish you would answer my calls and texts
I wish you weren't being such a dick to everyone.
I'd love to be at the beach with you today, enjoying the coolest Dad anyone could ask for, but instead you're taking your woman problems and taking them out on your kids.
You know that I love you, and we're all here for you, but fuck, Dad, when you act like this it's no wonder I refuse to come home.
I'm staying at my moms house until further notice.
I know it hurts, Dad.
But it's your fault, not mine.

At least, I thought you were my best friend.

Because you know, that's what you used to tell me.
And then you mentioned the drugs.
and My past.
And Riley.
And you made me say things that I regret.
You made me change.
I stopped being Ryan.
But I'm glad you're gone.

(Just realized that even best friends can be total bitches)

Oh god it's almost the 20th

Uh, the 20th.
Has been a huge day for me, the entire year.

I won't bore you with the details
But I'm worried.

And in my dreams, we fly away from all the plam trees of this place, and the smell of it's decay

Just saying.
I love my life

it's official

"Riley, I have a question"
"Ask me"
"Out of all the guys in the world, why me?"
"why you? You're amazing, no lie. you're the only guy whos ever written me anything. I never get bored talking to you. you always make me smile or make me feel better. you told me something that no guy would dare tell anyone. you talk the way I like, act the way I like. you're what I thought didn't exist"
"<3... I love you... what is it that I said, that no guy would dare say?"
"That you've liked me since 8th [:"

I've been -gulp- upstaged.

yay, <3

YAY, chloes good mood is back
So Is mine.
I'm still the optimist, though it is hard.
Sometimes I feel guilty, for loving my life so much...

Did it hurt, Did it hurt, Did it hurt when you fell from heaven girl

I think that I'm gonna make a blog just for my music

-nod-
Well, not just music.
But Music/poetry.
Should I?

Pretty much an awesome day

Me: I hate girls
E: why?
Me: they think it's cool now, to advertise that they're hookers
E: what?
Me: For example, that girls shirt says "I recycle Boys" Why would you advertise that? I mean, that's like letting guys know that you're probably laden with STDs
E: haha
Me: I mean, really, why would you ADVERTISE that you recycle boys? I mean, maybe they're just dumb and they don't realize that recycling boys is totally different than recycling cans?
-long silence-
E: Of when fat girls wear shi-
Me: that's not cool, faggot
E: sorry...
Me: Or when fat girls wear shirts that say juicy?
E: asshole
Me: A little too close to home?
E: No you stole my joke
Me: Shut the fuck up... HEY HOOKER. YOU. THE ONE WITH THE SHIRT THAT SAYS I RECYCLE BOYS!
her: What?
Me: Why would you advertise that?
Her: it's /my/ wardrobe
Me: And it's /my/ small penis, but you still comment on it.

People like you are why people like me exist.

Do you hear me call your name, my throat is bleeding.
<3
So, my darlings, I fell in love last night.
Officially.
I'm finished with all else.
Because my heart was stolen straight out of my chest.

Riley Hutchins.
My love, my life, my heart.

(and the best part, it's mutual)

Do you hear me now? I'm choking.

-sigh-
I had some epiphanies tonight:
Water is Delicious
letting go of grudges can lead to great things
even your best friends can give you bad advice
The girl who broke your heart can often give you the best advice.
&&finally
The fair is in September and I need to win a giant bear for someone, (:

Much love, dolls.
I love you, and you, and you.
Summertimeeeeeeeeeeeeeee and the livings easy.
I love you, riley.

You could've believed in me.

You know what, kids?
My first post today was violent and disgusting.
Also false.

I'm your mortal soldier, you're the queen of hearts

And live for the moment, but that takes too much pride.


All of the above.

Today's been...
Different.
Last night was depressing.
This morning I had pancakes.

FUCK.
I CAN'T GET OVER IT

fucking love me.

Please. I can't fucking stand myself right now.
I need an intervention.
I mean, I haven't done any drugs
But that doesn't mean I'm not on something.
CARE ABOUT ME, MOTHERFUCKERS.
Since obviously, I don't.

Life is out to get me.

"I'd shape up and put on weight
Cross out my calendar marked to the date
where we meet on some mystic veranda"

Fuck it all

I fucking HATE being lied to.
Why do people think that if they fucking lie to me it's going to make me feel better?
It fucking doesn't.
it makes me feel a fucking LOT worse, because once I find out that you've been lying i'm just going to feel stupid and dumb.
I wasted all that fucking time and all those feelings.
Son of a bitch.
I can't believe I fucking fell for you.
You fucked your boyfriend and then played with my heart.
Don't even fucking talk to me.
I fucking hate everything.

I love you.

Sigh

i'd respond by HighSchool Lows

Blacking out on the floor
Same thing as the night before
Waking up on a couch
With puke dripping from my mouth
Say hello to the smile
covered in shit in bile
(blacking out on the floor
same thing as the night before
waking up...)

The look in your eyes as I walk away
I've seen you before, and i don't know what to say
I could sweep you up in my arms and tell you with my skin
But even if I did, I don't know where I'd begin.
With a kiss and smile, let's just sit here for a while
Make things up break them down, judge me pound for pound.
In the end, we'll pretend that we made it out alive
Hello God, it's just me, can you give me back my life?

And if you could
Look me in the eyes and say:
"Dear boy, i've never felt this way
But hot damn, you're taking my breath away."
I'd respond:
"Dear girl, you know how I think of you
It's your smile thats all that makes me true
So somehow can you just come down with me
We both know this it's supposed to be
so doll, i'm wasting my life away."

Look out your window, I'm sitting on my porch,
Look at me sit here, wondering what each word is worth
Doll have you fallen, are you coming home to me?
Doll are you blinded, or can you finally see?
This is the end here, I'm at the limit of my rope
This is the anthem, I'm holding onto one last hope

Just lift my heart up in your hands
Tell me the things to make me feel grand
I need one last love one final call
Or i need to not be teased at all
I need your heart now,
I need to know your touch.
I need your heart now,
I need to know your love.

And every night,
I'm still here, all alone
And every day,
And i'm looking at your home
I'm stuck to wonder
I am stuck, to drink my sorrows away.

Blacking out on the floor
Same thing as the night before
Waking up on a couch
With puke dripping from my mouth
Say hello to the smile
covered in shit in bile
(blacking out on the floor
same thing as the night before
waking up...)

P(ost)S(cript)

I'm living tomorrow, today.
That's probably why I'm always so unhappy.

Day 26: (re)think

Dear Savannah:
On friday.
Ask me to tell you EXACTLY how I feel.
I want to make you fall in love with me.


I feel like the blog is a little dark and gloomy.
I mean, it shouldn't be.
It tends to make me look depressing.
I'm gonna change the layout, probably.

"Wish to God I could've met you as a younger one."

I, Ryan Dilks, have fallen in love.
The girl lives across the street, and has a boyfriend.
We sat in front of my house today and talked, for 2 hours.
I've never liked someone like this, before.
I feel so pathetic.

On friday I was invited to go hang out with her and her friends.
She told me last night that she likes me a lot.
And today she said that we're perfect for eachother...
But theres still that fucking boyfriend...
Chloe's being a doll, she said she'll get them to break up.
Since I feel guilty and horrible.
She's beautiful... She knows how to talk...

God damn...
I'm seriously gonna change this layout.
I might start writing visually, too.
Like...

Centered

With some parts tiny and some parts huge
In different fonts.


"You are timeless, I am a fool in love with time."

-sigh-
And I melt.

When all this fucking fashion brings you down

-sigh-
I'm happy, and it's weird.
It was friday evening, that I met the girl of my dreams.
GOOD NEWS: She lives across from me, and she really is an awesome person.
Bad news: She has a boyfriend

but it's highschool...
Probably won't last forever, with them...
Not that i'm HOPING their relationship fails...
I'm just saying.

I wrote a new poem

Entitled "Poetic"


Clouded with confidence, blinded by danger.
The dainty young boy makes his way towards the stranger
He outstretches his hand takes hers and he shakes
"I'm Ryan" he whispers, as his pale body quakes
a voice in his head tells him "kid say the truth"
and his mouth opens slightly, though the words are aloof
The boy chokes on his words and his voice comes out odd
He says "I have to go" but what he meant was "I'm god"
He walks away dreaming, "her face is poetic"
But he can't stop thinking "Dear god, I'm pathetic"

You know

I feel inspired.
But I don't feel like writing...
it's odd.
OHDAMN, I should go shower.