How To Make Everyone Learn Your Name.

1. Stay Calm, You've Been Here Before.

"Ryan, I don't get it. You have all this potential and ability."
I hate these conversations. All she ever says is that I have 'potential.'
"I really don't! Why do you just decide it's easier to roll over and give up? You could be anything and you're choosing to be nothing, and you have no explanation for why!"
We have this talk once a fucking week and every week it's mostly the same: She yells at me to do something with my life, I nod my head and refuse to respond in more than a few words. This week it's different though.
"It's like you don't want to do anything, your therapist says you're work avoidant, but this is different. You're not just avoiding it this time, you're flat out fucking quitting and it's not good."
I should say I'm not choosing to be nothing. I'm not quitting on life. I'm not. I should say all of this before she says the next part but I don't. Instead she says this.
"It's just... Why are you so damn insistent on being a huge disappointment?"
I don't want to go back there. I hate everything about that woman. I have never wanted to cry more in my entire life. I did cry.


2. I Know It's Empty, And You're Lonely, But It's Gonna Be Fine.

I'm not usually one to take loss seriously. I roll with the punches and let things bounce off of me. Anymore, it's not a big deal when I fail. Except for tonight, apparently. Not only did I lose/fail/disappoint my self, I lost to someone who didn't deserve it. And in the process almost embarrassed myself. Leaving the school I wanted to pick up a trashcan and throw it. I wanted to push him into the tables. I wanted to kick him in the jaw. I wanted him to have a heart attack. He's my best friend and more than anything else, at that very moment, I wanted him to die. I felt a deep, burning hatred for him suddenly. I almost hurt him for something that was out of his control. But he knew it. He won the award even though she had planned on giving it to me. He won something that had my name on it. Literally. Enjoy my sloppy seconds, bitch, I already fucked your girlfriend.


3. The Answer Is Simple, Baby, Kill Yourself.

I've attempted suicide before. A dozen times. In plenty of ways, but we already knew that about me. Hardly anybody realizes that I did it recently. I tried to tie a tie in a compromising position and fall forward. I tried to do it. I tried twice. I figured it would make people happier if I wasn't around to disappoint them. Namely myself. The first time, The tie fell off. The second time, Daniel needed advice... And he needed me, something nobody has told me for a long time. And so I didn't. I didn't fall forward. And he never knew this until now....

I love you.
There's a reason you're my closest friend.