This is a post about dying.

"Ryan Dilks." I smiled at her and she smiled back, as if saying my name specifically brought her intense amounts of pleasure. I had always imagined stairs, but as it turns out, I had to walk up a ramp, not stairs. Which made me wonder why the kid from that episode of scrubs couldn't graduate. He was a burn victim and the problem was that he had to get out of the wheelchair. But there should have been a fucking ramp. This school has to have had more than one cripple.  This was going through my mind and everything was going slow motion and I reached forward and he handed me my fake diploma and shook my hand and he said congrats and I felt different. 

I felt older.

I felt... better.

"Thank you." And I walked off the stage. My family was cheering and so I turned to wave and point and feel proud of myself. I was still walking, down a line of juniors who apparently all knew me, because I knew all of them. On my right was Daniel. I had done it. But it still hadn't really sunk in. I sat back in my chair, after being hugged by the couple friends that had gone before me. Slowly the rest of them walked down the line, being greeted by the whole of us. And when Mr. Wilborn said to switch our tassles and shit because we graduated... I cried a lottle bit.

Here's a boy who didn't think it would ever happen. A boy who didn't really care if it ever happened.

But now? 

Now it happened.

And now I can do anything.

I'll probably lay in bed for the rest of summer.

But I need a fucking job.

How To Make Everyone Learn Your Name.

1. Stay Calm, You've Been Here Before.

"Ryan, I don't get it. You have all this potential and ability."
I hate these conversations. All she ever says is that I have 'potential.'
"I really don't! Why do you just decide it's easier to roll over and give up? You could be anything and you're choosing to be nothing, and you have no explanation for why!"
We have this talk once a fucking week and every week it's mostly the same: She yells at me to do something with my life, I nod my head and refuse to respond in more than a few words. This week it's different though.
"It's like you don't want to do anything, your therapist says you're work avoidant, but this is different. You're not just avoiding it this time, you're flat out fucking quitting and it's not good."
I should say I'm not choosing to be nothing. I'm not quitting on life. I'm not. I should say all of this before she says the next part but I don't. Instead she says this.
"It's just... Why are you so damn insistent on being a huge disappointment?"
I don't want to go back there. I hate everything about that woman. I have never wanted to cry more in my entire life. I did cry.


2. I Know It's Empty, And You're Lonely, But It's Gonna Be Fine.

I'm not usually one to take loss seriously. I roll with the punches and let things bounce off of me. Anymore, it's not a big deal when I fail. Except for tonight, apparently. Not only did I lose/fail/disappoint my self, I lost to someone who didn't deserve it. And in the process almost embarrassed myself. Leaving the school I wanted to pick up a trashcan and throw it. I wanted to push him into the tables. I wanted to kick him in the jaw. I wanted him to have a heart attack. He's my best friend and more than anything else, at that very moment, I wanted him to die. I felt a deep, burning hatred for him suddenly. I almost hurt him for something that was out of his control. But he knew it. He won the award even though she had planned on giving it to me. He won something that had my name on it. Literally. Enjoy my sloppy seconds, bitch, I already fucked your girlfriend.


3. The Answer Is Simple, Baby, Kill Yourself.

I've attempted suicide before. A dozen times. In plenty of ways, but we already knew that about me. Hardly anybody realizes that I did it recently. I tried to tie a tie in a compromising position and fall forward. I tried to do it. I tried twice. I figured it would make people happier if I wasn't around to disappoint them. Namely myself. The first time, The tie fell off. The second time, Daniel needed advice... And he needed me, something nobody has told me for a long time. And so I didn't. I didn't fall forward. And he never knew this until now....

I love you.
There's a reason you're my closest friend.

Melrose, CA.

You know how sometimes we make mistakes that we've made before and you know that you're making that mistake but you still make it?

"I did some bad things before I was a Marine." he frowned a little bit "things that take your memory away."
I was immediately reminded of me saying "I did some bad things before I met you. Things that I can't particularly say I regret."

She, of course, and as is to be expected, asked me what that meant. But I was afraid to tell her. Last night that mistake caught up with me. That mistake was sitting at a coffee shop next to Johnny Rockets. That mistake saw me before I saw her. And she tried not to make it obvious but I noticed.

I don't really know the difference between "I miss you" and "I hate you." They mean pretty much the same thing anymore. And so when she saw me and her eyes said "I hate you," and of course so did mine, I assume that we both meant "I miss you" even though I know it isn't true, because I can't stand her.

I'm not the one making a mistake. My girlfriend is. She knows it. I'm not worth anyone's time and I don't know why she's pretending I am, but I'm a bad person who has done bad things and she should not be dating me.

How To Disappoint Both Parents and Everyone You Love

1. Be Born With "A Gift"

I've always been intelligent. I've always been a talker. Both of these things constantly get me in trouble, because on one hand, I know what I'm talking about, usually, while on the other, I can't shut the fuck up. This has been regarded as both a blessing and a curse, depending on what I'm going through at that particular point in my life. During things like heated political debates and discussions about philosophical shit dealing with God and other bullshit I'm "very smart." But for some reason when I start telling a girl everything that she's doing wrong and start instigating fucking drama people call me a "self-absorbed douchebag." which hardly seems fair. They don't know jack-shit about me, how can they possibly say I'm "very smart?"

2. Refuse To Do Much Of Anything, Really


I used to have shit like "dreams" and "hopes" back before I decided that everything we do in life is really just bullshit anyway and there's no real purpose in trying to get something done if it's only a matter of time before we die and then people forget our names. Hardly anyone has ever gone down in history and whatever you have always dreamed of being likely hasn't had very many famous people in that field. Anyway I used to have a lot of hope. I aspired to do shit with my life, but I gave up on that at a pretty young age and settled instead for "doing whatever shit happens to fall right into my hands." This continues to piss people off because I do VERY little in the way of actual fucking work and yet I seem to have a lot of opportunities.

3. Come Up With A Bad-ass Excuse Like "Oh, I'm Just Waiting For The Right Time"


Theres this girl that I used to know who had a lot of advice for me, always. She thought I was going to be an amazing person, a great dad, an awesome president, a fucking bad-ass rich guy and a good friend. But instead I did a lot of giving up and I told her I didn't really give a shit about anything and she stopped being my friend because I'm a huge asshole. I have a lot of things wrong with me and most of them have to do with the fact that I'm work-avoidant but a huge heaping load of them are due to my extreme self-hatred. But that doesn't matter. Everybody hates themselves.

4. Die Sad and Alone With The Words "What If" As Your Epitaph.


There was an episode of Glee where they all wore shirts with the thing about themselves that they are embarrassed about, or hate about themselves.

Mine would, without a doubt say "HATES HIMSELF."
I spend a lot of time pretending I'm all that, and narcissistic and other shit, but really, I hate everything about myself from my nose to my bi-polar to my sexuality to my lack of fashion sense to my bathroom anxiety to my lack of respect for females to my lack of aspiration to my self-hatred. But since I would never be able to fit all of that shit on a shirt, fuck it.

"I'm leaving."

There's a place that I lock myself in my house every time I feel sad and I listen to sad music and send text messages to no one in particular and write letters to no one in particular and I cry a lot and I sit there and pity myself because self pity is what I'm good at and I wish I wasn't bi-polar and maybe didn't have bathroom anxiety and I cut myself because I'm pacifist and everyone asks whats wrong the next day and I'm sad because I'm ugly and I hate myself because I'm a bad person. And I wish sometimes that I believed in a reason to live but I don't and I always pretend it's fine but it's not. It's a horrible thing. I don't believe that I have any reason to be alive besides that I'm alive now and I've always been alive and that's enough. But I don't have drive because what's the point if I don't even want to be alive? But then it sucks because I think I'm happy and shit and I start fucking doubting myself and I ask people stupid questions about whether they like me and shit and everyone has the same answer and it doesn't help, since they're just saying it to be nice and stuff. But it doesn't REALLY make a difference. I'm always going to be fucking weird.

How To Save Someones Life, While Simultaneously Killing Them.

1. Let Them Know That They Are Not Alone.

She changes her relationship status on Facebook to "Single." There is no lack of comments from perverted guys who want her to make love to them, and kiss them and touch them. She has been single for a week, when they broke up, she told me. Anyway, all these guys suddenly hit on her and she is disgusted, she tells me she is disgusted. I tell her it's cause she's pretty. She tells me I shouldn't have a girlfriend. I tell her that I'm sorry, but I'm in love. A year ago I would have dated her, but now I have a girlfriend and I'm in love with her. So she is single now, and nearly every guy wants her except for the one that she wants and when I tell her that I know how it feels to be able to have the world, when all you want is a marble. And she said that everyone knows how it feels. I gave her a hug and we fell down. My hand hurt, but oh well, because she's my friend and I care about her. But I have a girlfriend and I'm in love. But she doesn't like that fact. Oh well. We all want things we can't have.

2. Grab Their Hand, Kiss Their Cheek and Be There.

One time, I thought I was going to die, and I expected to die, but I didn't die and that's okay. I was just really, very sick, but I didn't die. I was just sick. I never really wanted to die, I was too weak to accept death, I'm always going to want to die later, especially if I am dying. I'm always going to want something to be different and therefore I want to die later. I don't really think anyone wants to die. I think that there are some people who are less afraid of dying, but I don't think that anyone is okay with dying. Even if you commit suicide. You don't want to die. You're just weak. Very very weak.

3. Be Their Ladder, and Help Them Out Of The Hole.

One time, I had to convince someone not to commit suicide, and it proved to be very hard. I kept them from killing themselves by telling them that I wouldn't be invited to their funeral, and they said that I would, and I said that no, I wouldn't. She had been friends for a while, but her parents didn't know me and stuff, so I wouldn't have been invited. It might have been nice to be invited, but theres no chance. Anyway she didn't kill herself, because she decided that if I wasn't going to be at her funeral then what was the point of dying anyway. But really I think she just wanted me to be sad. Some people like seeing other people sad. I guess I would have been pretty distraught, but she didn't believe that I could be sad if I didn't even go to her funeral. Besides what do you even say at a suicidal funeral?

4. Realize That They Have Fallen In Love With You.

Among the amount of people I have helped out of suicide, there is one that I can't get off of my mind, because I helped her out of suicide, and then she killed herself. I had a girlfriend, but my friend liked me a lot. And she was going to kill herself because I had a girlfriend that wasn't her, so I cheated on my girlfriend with her, hoping that it would stop her from doing anything stupid. And for a bit, it did. But when I told her that I had a relationship, and I was sorry, but I couldn't keep pretending that we were going out, she did something stupid and killed herself. I still feel guilty for this. My current girlfriend knows what happened, she knows I feel guilty still.

5. Don't Ever Let Them Know That You Have Fallen In Love With Them.

I tried to kill myself a couple times, but I'm too weak to even die. I tried to strangle myself in the shower, drown myself in the pool, slit my wrists, hang myself and stab my own throat, but none of it worked. I remember being in elementary school and I was so upset with my entire shitty life that in the middle of class, 5th grade, I tied my backpack to my neck and dropped it, choking myself.  My friend panicked and my teacher took me to the nurse. I was a pussy even when I was a kid. How can you not deal with life? Nothing is more shit than death.