Day 36: Talk about me.

"oh, ryan, you lush. We weren't making fun of you, we were merely talking shit."

Yeah, that fucking helps.
I always feel much better when I'm reminded that
"Don't worry, kiddo. We don't hate you, we just think you're an asshole."

Sometimes I feel like maybe even J! doesn't give a shit anymore.
Even though every day we talk, i'm reminded that I had to be betrayed before I could honestly figure out who my true friends are.
Maybe if Sonia started caring a little less, maybe tried not telling me that someone before I was her boyfriend had used her I wouldn't feel like such an ass.

I'm not sure why it makes me feel so guilty that Sonia was used.
I'm not using her.
I genuinely love her.
("maybe, ryan. thats what you said about riley too, until she decided that she was going to rip you apart and puke in your chest.")
might I remind you fuckers that I hurt Riley, not the other way around.
I just keep blaming her because I refuse to believe that Jeremy could get out long enough to absolutely ruin my life.

Maybe I'm incapable of love.
I already know i'm afraid of it.
What's stopping me from being perfectly inable to love somebody besides myself?

Fuck that shit, I don't even love myself.
I hate myself.
I hate what i've become
("So become something else")
slow down, honey, you're starting to sound like me.
Maybe it's the god damn Beiber joke that's got me so damn upset.
It's been two weeks now.
Let's come up with some new material.
"How about no, kiddo. This is as real as it gets"

Dear Sonia,
What did he make you do?
I guess i don't really mind if he fingered you.
I did too.
I know he didn't fuck you.
but what did he do?
because i want to murder him.

No, really though.
If this shit gets out of hand...
Say, I fifnd out he ate you out, or you sucked his dick or something.
I'm murdering him.
Repeatedly.
Hard.

Because I can't stand that shit.





I don't know why it bothers me so bad when i'm NOT the first one for my girlfriend.

Go fuck yourself, insanity.