!

Why the hell have i changed so much?
i read my first blog, and it's almost completely gone.
That version of myself has faded into near non-existance.
i suppose that's a good thing. I've gone through my fall, so now i'm rebuilding myself from the bottom up.
we're all terrible people.

embrace the shit out of it.

WWJD?

The autumn air engulfs my skin when I step outside. It's oddly pleasant out here. Not nearly as hot as it had been. I shiver, even though it isn't cold. In a few seconds, somewhere around sixty, I'll see her again, finally. After four days of turmoil and hatred for myself, I'll see my savior. She's wearing purple, and her glasses are on, she looks beautiful as ever. I missed her.

smile.

I do. That wasn't bad advice, Jeremy. I missed you, too.

why is Stalker with her? she hates him, you hate him. why is he here?

I frown, she notices, she shakes her head, he notices, he zeroes in on me.

hit him.

I do. Fist meet chin, floor meet body. I smile again, as the blood pours from his lip.

"Back the fuck off, kiddo." I smile sickly, he's mine. I should kill him, but for now, scaring him is enough. Stalker, you are a dirty young man. Go fuck yourself, I hate you so bad.
She isn't smiling.
He is standing still.

I smile as the blood pours from her lip.
The gun in my hand still smoking.
I have hurt her.

You have hurt her.

No, baby. /we/ have killed her.

Catharsis.

Two sides twist and then collide
You're calling off the guards, I'm coming through (Am I coming through..)
Adulteress conditioned to a spin cycled submission
"You know sometimes it just feels better to give in"
(Sometimes it just feels better to give in)






Boy meets girl, who he immediately falls in love with. She just wants to be friends.
So they become best friends.

And it's all too familiar and it happens all the time.
All the cards begin to stack up,
Twisting heartache into fine little pieces that avoid an awful crime
But it's you I can't deny.

He hates himself for letting it happen, but he knows that he's not the first to be put into this situation.

Dull heat rises from the sheets,
I'm both a patient boy... (well) and a jealous man
(Am I coming...)
But double standardarized suspicion is remedied,
Oh My Blue Heaven
"Sometimes it just feels better to give in..."
(Sometimes it just feels better to give in)

boy tells girl that her boyfriend was cheating on her. And of course, she believes him, thereby dumping boyfriend.

And it's all too familiar and it happens all the time.
All the cards begin to stack up,
Twisting heartache into fine little pieces that avoid an awful crime
But it's you I can't deny.

he knows what he did was wrong, but fuck it. He asks her out.

We swing and we sway
as this tiny voice in my head starts to sing,
"You're safe, child, you are safe"
(You're safe, child, you are safe)
You're safe, child, you are safe.

We swing and we sway
as this tiny voice in my head starts to sing,
"You're safe, child, you are safe"
You're safe, child, you are..

Safe.. (Safe).. (Safe)... You are safe..
We swing and we sway
as this tiny voice in my head starts to sing
"You're safe, child, you are safe"
(Am I.. coming through)



She has not said yes, yet. But he knows that now, he wont feel like he used to.
He's safe.


Is this all too familiar? Does it happen all the time?
I'm just asking you to hear me;
Could you please just once just hear me?
More than anything, you wanted to be right
Still it's you, you, it's you I can't deny..
(You I can't deny)
It's you I can't deny. 

we never find out her answer, but instead are left with his admittance.


This is all too familiar.

goodbye, grandpa pat.
i love you.

she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she hates you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.
she loves you.

Are you gonna save anyone but yourself?

No.
No i'm not.
i'm got me and that's all I need, right?

Maybe i'll write a book.
Maybe i'll shoot someone.
I guess we'll have to see, right? :*

How To Break Your Own Heart (A Beginners Guide.)

1. Open Your Heart

His hands are warm, in mine.

I hate it, so i'm trying as hard as I can to warm them up.

His heart is a tad colder as all he seems fixated on are my flaws.

Why the fuck did I fall in love with a lunatic?

He's got no fine points.

Maybe the fact that his hair is soft.

Oh thats right, he can write.

He makes me feel important when we aren't around other people.

But when we're not alone (Or too alone) he's an asshole.

2. Let Them In

her hands are cold, freezing, in mine.

i hate it, so i'm trying as hard as i can to warm them up.

she's flawless, except for her cold hands.

why do i seem like i'm being an asshole?

i'm not, i'm being charming...

right?

3. Let Them Down.

"I love you."

I'm telling the truth, right?

I mean, to the best of my knowledge, I love this boy.

At least, I can't keep myself away.

Even after he forced himself on me at the carwash.

4. Hope They Crawl Back

"i love you."

i'm telling the truth, right?

i mean, to the best of my knowledge, i love this girl.

at least, i've never felt this strongly for someone before.

that's love right?

i fucked her at the carwash.

5. Tell Yourself That They're gone.

"Ryan."

"Yeah, baby?"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, I guess."

"You guess?"

"Well, yeah. I mean, I'm not amazing, but I'm okay."

"What's wrong?"

"Do you hate me, Sonia?"

"No, boo, I love you."

"Okay"

"shes lying. looking for a way out."

"I love you, Ryan."

"I love you too."

"He's lying. Looking For A Way Out."

six. cry.

self-obsession is a big term that just means,

"I've got nobody telling me I'm any good, so I have to say it myself."

I'm not self-obsessed.

I'm just crazy.

I hatemyself.

ihateyou.

ihateeverything.

bright idea, kiddo.

You should tell Sonia about the past, about all the times you've fucked up before you even met her.

Yeah.

That might work.

7. pick up the pieces.

So maybe I am a moron.

But that means nothing about you.

If I'm a moron, you're a lunatic.

If I'm a lunatic, you're a genius.

I've got no format to fit.

you're my everything, and I'm nothing to you.

I get her alone and kiss her until i'm happy again.

Good luck with that shit.

Day 36: Talk about me.

"oh, ryan, you lush. We weren't making fun of you, we were merely talking shit."

Yeah, that fucking helps.
I always feel much better when I'm reminded that
"Don't worry, kiddo. We don't hate you, we just think you're an asshole."

Sometimes I feel like maybe even J! doesn't give a shit anymore.
Even though every day we talk, i'm reminded that I had to be betrayed before I could honestly figure out who my true friends are.
Maybe if Sonia started caring a little less, maybe tried not telling me that someone before I was her boyfriend had used her I wouldn't feel like such an ass.

I'm not sure why it makes me feel so guilty that Sonia was used.
I'm not using her.
I genuinely love her.
("maybe, ryan. thats what you said about riley too, until she decided that she was going to rip you apart and puke in your chest.")
might I remind you fuckers that I hurt Riley, not the other way around.
I just keep blaming her because I refuse to believe that Jeremy could get out long enough to absolutely ruin my life.

Maybe I'm incapable of love.
I already know i'm afraid of it.
What's stopping me from being perfectly inable to love somebody besides myself?

Fuck that shit, I don't even love myself.
I hate myself.
I hate what i've become
("So become something else")
slow down, honey, you're starting to sound like me.
Maybe it's the god damn Beiber joke that's got me so damn upset.
It's been two weeks now.
Let's come up with some new material.
"How about no, kiddo. This is as real as it gets"

Dear Sonia,
What did he make you do?
I guess i don't really mind if he fingered you.
I did too.
I know he didn't fuck you.
but what did he do?
because i want to murder him.

No, really though.
If this shit gets out of hand...
Say, I fifnd out he ate you out, or you sucked his dick or something.
I'm murdering him.
Repeatedly.
Hard.

Because I can't stand that shit.





I don't know why it bothers me so bad when i'm NOT the first one for my girlfriend.

Go fuck yourself, insanity.