Step 1. The Part Where It Becomes A Habit
I spend a lot of my time reading the musings of people I'm influenced by, while not believing in God and also, simultaneously, at the same time and redundantly, believing in God. I find it very hard to believe in something that never gave me my brother back, never gave me a second chance at anything and seems to have a habit of hiding in toast, but I also seem to find it very hard to live my life without this very fundamental belief. I have always thought that I could be a responsible, good person with morals even if I didn't believe in the afterlife or God or Jesus or Buddha or Mohammed or Allah or fucking Reptilian Humanoids from the 4th Dimension or L. Ron Hubbard or some shit. I fully believe that I can, but I'm overwhelmed with the idea that there's no point in it. I can't help but think that if there is no God then I've been wasting my entire life being both a horrible and a great person because theres not some ultimate reward. So I choose to be confused and remain confused. This is where everything starts, my in ability to make up my fucking mind.
Step 2. The Part Where it Starts Making A Difference.
I have trouble deciding sometimes if I want to just give up on life or if I want to maybe do something with it. I think about the fact that many people have been presidents, kings, czars, fuhrers, inventors, authors, magicians, villains, heroes, assholes and douchebags and think to myself that I don't know most of their names, so if the point of the game is to be remembered, then a lot of people have lost. So why even play? If you've struck out your last 300 at bats, do you still go up to the plate? Do you think that you'll still hit that ever elusive home run? That quite possibly you swing the bat and you're remembered forever for everything? At some point it must stop being confidence and start becoming wishful thinking. I say that line is once you start considering giving up. If you've considered quitting, then you've already failed. So what's even the point?
Step 3. The Part Where it Starts Hurting You.
The point is that even if you won't be remembered forever by name, at least make a fucking dent in the wall of eternity. If you've already lost, make an effort to lose passionately. See, I don't know who invented butter but I do enjoy a lot of butter. I'm sure somewhere there's some butter asshole who bathes in that shit and fucks a butter sculpture of Oprah Winfrey and I'm pretty sure he knows who invented butter. So remember, if you're not going to be remembered by name, make sure that you at least leave a god damn foot print. Life is not defined by the choices you make, but the risks you avoid. So don't avoid those bitches.
Step 4. The Part Where it Becomes An Addiction
Throughout my entire life I have known a large diversity of people. I've known so many different kinds of people, I'm sure at least one of them will kill someone some day. Some of them are gay, some of them are straight, some of them are black and some are white. A lot of them are girls, and still a lot are guys. And I have, time and time again, changed who I was pretending to be in order to make one or more of them happy. Sometimes I was extremely homo, because otherwise my entire art class wouldn't have thought I was nearly as cool. Sometimes I was incredibly douchey because it was absolutely necessary in order to maintain this whole "everyone hates me and idgaf" attitude thing that I had going for me. But right now, I can pretty much say that I'm comfortable being myself and that's a good thing. I'm not pretending to be something else. I don't know what happened, but apparently sometimes it's cool to be cool.
Step 5. The Part Where You Become A Fucking Pro
"When your heart feels like that, is it after any athletic activities?"
"Sometimes."
"And sometimes it's just-"
"In bed. Mostly when I'm about to sleep."
"Okay... And it says here that you're bi-polar, is that correct?"
"Yeah. Yeah it's correct."
"Okay. Well, I don't know what it is."
"It's nothing then?"
"We can't say that. But we can say that if it is something, we have no clue what it is."
"Fantastic."
"I'm sorry. We'll call you."
As I was leaving I suddenly realized that if I died at that moment, nobody would have a clue. I was alone in a hallway, nobody could see me, and it would be a good 30 minutes before anyone would even notice that I was there. I could die right now, and I doubt anyone would really notice for a while. There are plenty of times when I feel that way. If I died right now, nobody would remember my name in 20 years. I'm really just a kid. That's all we all are, really.
I spend a lot of my time reading the musings of people I'm influenced by, while not believing in God and also, simultaneously, at the same time and redundantly, believing in God. I find it very hard to believe in something that never gave me my brother back, never gave me a second chance at anything and seems to have a habit of hiding in toast, but I also seem to find it very hard to live my life without this very fundamental belief. I have always thought that I could be a responsible, good person with morals even if I didn't believe in the afterlife or God or Jesus or Buddha or Mohammed or Allah or fucking Reptilian Humanoids from the 4th Dimension or L. Ron Hubbard or some shit. I fully believe that I can, but I'm overwhelmed with the idea that there's no point in it. I can't help but think that if there is no God then I've been wasting my entire life being both a horrible and a great person because theres not some ultimate reward. So I choose to be confused and remain confused. This is where everything starts, my in ability to make up my fucking mind.
Step 2. The Part Where it Starts Making A Difference.
I have trouble deciding sometimes if I want to just give up on life or if I want to maybe do something with it. I think about the fact that many people have been presidents, kings, czars, fuhrers, inventors, authors, magicians, villains, heroes, assholes and douchebags and think to myself that I don't know most of their names, so if the point of the game is to be remembered, then a lot of people have lost. So why even play? If you've struck out your last 300 at bats, do you still go up to the plate? Do you think that you'll still hit that ever elusive home run? That quite possibly you swing the bat and you're remembered forever for everything? At some point it must stop being confidence and start becoming wishful thinking. I say that line is once you start considering giving up. If you've considered quitting, then you've already failed. So what's even the point?
Step 3. The Part Where it Starts Hurting You.
The point is that even if you won't be remembered forever by name, at least make a fucking dent in the wall of eternity. If you've already lost, make an effort to lose passionately. See, I don't know who invented butter but I do enjoy a lot of butter. I'm sure somewhere there's some butter asshole who bathes in that shit and fucks a butter sculpture of Oprah Winfrey and I'm pretty sure he knows who invented butter. So remember, if you're not going to be remembered by name, make sure that you at least leave a god damn foot print. Life is not defined by the choices you make, but the risks you avoid. So don't avoid those bitches.
Step 4. The Part Where it Becomes An Addiction
Throughout my entire life I have known a large diversity of people. I've known so many different kinds of people, I'm sure at least one of them will kill someone some day. Some of them are gay, some of them are straight, some of them are black and some are white. A lot of them are girls, and still a lot are guys. And I have, time and time again, changed who I was pretending to be in order to make one or more of them happy. Sometimes I was extremely homo, because otherwise my entire art class wouldn't have thought I was nearly as cool. Sometimes I was incredibly douchey because it was absolutely necessary in order to maintain this whole "everyone hates me and idgaf" attitude thing that I had going for me. But right now, I can pretty much say that I'm comfortable being myself and that's a good thing. I'm not pretending to be something else. I don't know what happened, but apparently sometimes it's cool to be cool.
Step 5. The Part Where You Become A Fucking Pro
"When your heart feels like that, is it after any athletic activities?"
"Sometimes."
"And sometimes it's just-"
"In bed. Mostly when I'm about to sleep."
"Okay... And it says here that you're bi-polar, is that correct?"
"Yeah. Yeah it's correct."
"Okay. Well, I don't know what it is."
"It's nothing then?"
"We can't say that. But we can say that if it is something, we have no clue what it is."
"Fantastic."
"I'm sorry. We'll call you."
As I was leaving I suddenly realized that if I died at that moment, nobody would have a clue. I was alone in a hallway, nobody could see me, and it would be a good 30 minutes before anyone would even notice that I was there. I could die right now, and I doubt anyone would really notice for a while. There are plenty of times when I feel that way. If I died right now, nobody would remember my name in 20 years. I'm really just a kid. That's all we all are, really.
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