I was thinking today, as my Father dropped me off at school and I stepped through the gates.
I said out loud to myself, "Please. PLEASE. let this be the day that I become..." Then I wondered, What is it that I want to be?
And Who had I just said Please to?
I figure, Something has to not Exist before it can Exist.
So what Existed first?
Answer That.
And you're a Finder.
But I'll simply ask you to think.
And you'll realize that you're wrong.
,ryandilks
(supreme overlord)
20090320
Day Thirteen: You have to have a soul to cry.
My name is Ryan Thomas Dilks and I play God.
Those were the words that led to this bullshit.
All of this, actually.
The blog, my fucked up belief system.
And the next five minutes or so that I spend.
Have you ever contemplated suicide?
Have you ever contemplated God?
Worshiping God has just turned into worshiping my Bullies.
He's picking on me.
Or us.
Well, He's picking on someone.
And for some reason or another I got involved.
It's weird.
I didn't cry when my grandmother died, I didn't cry when I got suspended, I didn't cry when my girlfriend said she was going to kill herself... But I cried when I lied and convinced myself that it was the truth.
Why?
Possibly because I'm insane.
Possibly because I was scared.
I just decided that there is nothing wrong with being a horrible person.
And I assume not crying is a rule for being a bad person.
of course I also assumed that there was someone up there controlling us like puppets, so I could be wrong again.
The only thing I know for certain is that I have a soul.
I'm starting my own religion.
Not Atheism, Not Christianity.
Neither.
Our main belief is that what happens happens.
And What does not happen, is only waiting for the opportunity.
If you can't control it, there's no use fretting over it.
Yes.
By the way.
Me and my girlfriend are... well not FIGHTING anymore.
Mostly because we aren't talking.
But yes, we aren't fighting.
Poetry, Poetry.
We fall.
We drop.
We rise.
We rebel.
We forgive.
We forget.
We read.
We write.
There are three Types of people in this world.
Askers.
Seekers.
Finders.
Askers ask the questions
Seekers search for the tools to find the answer
Finders Land on the answer.
You are one of three.
Figure out which one you are.
Ryan Dilks
ps: I'm an asker
Those were the words that led to this bullshit.
All of this, actually.
The blog, my fucked up belief system.
And the next five minutes or so that I spend.
Have you ever contemplated suicide?
Have you ever contemplated God?
Worshiping God has just turned into worshiping my Bullies.
He's picking on me.
Or us.
Well, He's picking on someone.
And for some reason or another I got involved.
It's weird.
I didn't cry when my grandmother died, I didn't cry when I got suspended, I didn't cry when my girlfriend said she was going to kill herself... But I cried when I lied and convinced myself that it was the truth.
Why?
Possibly because I'm insane.
Possibly because I was scared.
I just decided that there is nothing wrong with being a horrible person.
And I assume not crying is a rule for being a bad person.
of course I also assumed that there was someone up there controlling us like puppets, so I could be wrong again.
The only thing I know for certain is that I have a soul.
I'm starting my own religion.
Not Atheism, Not Christianity.
Neither.
Our main belief is that what happens happens.
And What does not happen, is only waiting for the opportunity.
If you can't control it, there's no use fretting over it.
Yes.
By the way.
Me and my girlfriend are... well not FIGHTING anymore.
Mostly because we aren't talking.
But yes, we aren't fighting.
Poetry, Poetry.
We fall.
We drop.
We rise.
We rebel.
We forgive.
We forget.
We read.
We write.
There are three Types of people in this world.
Askers.
Seekers.
Finders.
Askers ask the questions
Seekers search for the tools to find the answer
Finders Land on the answer.
You are one of three.
Figure out which one you are.
Ryan Dilks
ps: I'm an asker
20090313
Twelve: No don't.
Why does everyone assume that I'm the person to come to?
Like /i/ know all the answers?
I don't.
Not even close.
Is it because I'm smart?
Is it because they... expect that I know the answers?
Why are we sure of anything?
I dunno...
Maybe I'm God.
Like /i/ know all the answers?
I don't.
Not even close.
Is it because I'm smart?
Is it because they... expect that I know the answers?
Why are we sure of anything?
I dunno...
Maybe I'm God.
20090311
Eleven: call the authorities.
you have to.
If you read this, notify someone that I'm no longer healthy.
please.
Before I do something bad.
to myself...
to others.
to her.
Just.
please.
It's imperative.
hurry.
,ryandilks.
If you read this, notify someone that I'm no longer healthy.
please.
Before I do something bad.
to myself...
to others.
to her.
Just.
please.
It's imperative.
hurry.
,ryandilks.
20090310
Day ten: hmn.
Raise your hand if you've failed.
Raise your hand if you've succeeded.
Raise your hand if you looked in the mirror this morning and said, "Who's life am I going to fuck up today?"
Raise your hand if it was your own.
"Smile, Ryan. It's all going to get better."
It did.
crash.
burn.
It suddenly....
Didn't.
Has that ever happened to /you/?
where something didn't go wrong.. Or right... but you tried to make it happen and it simply...
Didn't happen?
Raise your hand if you've succeeded.
Raise your hand if you looked in the mirror this morning and said, "Who's life am I going to fuck up today?"
Raise your hand if it was your own.
"Smile, Ryan. It's all going to get better."
It did.
crash.
burn.
It suddenly....
Didn't.
Has that ever happened to /you/?
where something didn't go wrong.. Or right... but you tried to make it happen and it simply...
Didn't happen?
20090305
Day Nine:
It's my third month.
Hmn.
Tomorrow my mother will schedule more therapy.
,RyanDilks.
Is being cured
Hmn.
Tomorrow my mother will schedule more therapy.
,RyanDilks.
Is being cured
20090303
20090302
Day Eight: Refuse.
is it wrong to have this big a breakdown?
to where my body wants to tear my brain in half?
I could have lost everything on saturday night.
I would have missed yesterday and today.
And tomorrow.
But If I go back In time, I wouldn't change a thing.
I would attempt suicide, and break a heart.
Forgive. Forget.
She said it did not happen.
So I must assume that It Did not.
I had a crush on her.
I had an affair with her.
I love you.
And it won't happen again.
But I already did it.
Thank you for not hating me.
This writing has calmed me down.
but she has fixed me.
Recent events have torn me apart again.
and I've told a lie and convinced myself it was the truth.
She talks as if my mental instability turns her on.
Just like the dead one did.
,ryandilks.
ps.take me
to where my body wants to tear my brain in half?
I could have lost everything on saturday night.
I would have missed yesterday and today.
And tomorrow.
But If I go back In time, I wouldn't change a thing.
I would attempt suicide, and break a heart.
Forgive. Forget.
She said it did not happen.
So I must assume that It Did not.
I had a crush on her.
I had an affair with her.
I love you.
And it won't happen again.
But I already did it.
Thank you for not hating me.
This writing has calmed me down.
but she has fixed me.
Recent events have torn me apart again.
and I've told a lie and convinced myself it was the truth.
She talks as if my mental instability turns her on.
Just like the dead one did.
,ryandilks.
ps.take me
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